This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Leisa

I hope you keep on improving.
i am lucky I have been on one medication for over 30 years.

[quirkywords]

Lisa

i relate to same old same old.

i find I was criticised as a mother and now as a Grandmother. I try hard to please everyone

but I seem not to please anyone.

[white knight]

Hi Quirky,

That's really sad.

Criticism is hard to take especially when you would respond to such concerns more positively if they were conveyed not in a critical manner (1978-1981) a long time ago, I was trained correctly to minimise uproar, over defensiveness from inmates, de-escalate and AVOID conflict of hurt feelings, all in the name of prison harmony for our safety and inmate care.

Eg It was the rules that we address inmates by their surname. One guy refused to acknowledge his surname. "My name's Terry" he'd say. He refused to mop a floor. Every guard there tried but failed "my name is Terry". So I went up (I was only 21yo) and whispered "Terry, do you mind please mop the floor". He mopped the floor. The guards were outraged. I said to the group of guards "you are only outraged because you were inflexible and in his mind you are tyrants, try bending for the sake of harmony". I was ostracised for some time.

So how do you take the high road with over critical family? My answer is - withdraw from all conversation that they see as an invitation to criticise eg try to not provide them with the reason to do so in the first place. That is also to say it is not fair at all on your good self.

So, being a grandmother your natural instinct is to have input into their well being yes? Hence your expression towards that well being. Well for harmony, you'll need to simply revert to being a loving grandmother in terms of giving cuddles, playing with them with their toys and cementing that affection in their minds of that loving grandma they need and want. In other words- not get involved in any other way into their lives. It is simply not worth the turmoil of people criticising you when that behaviour of theirs is automatic.

It's such a shame that your illness, your maybe submissive demeanour is seen as an invitation for negative remarks. Sometimes in posts like yours as a man I feel immense internal desire to be there to straighten out attitudes that are deplorable.

The world in general talk about "rights", "black lives matter", brutal invasions of countries by men that have this belief - "might is right"

It isnt.

TonyWK

[Airies]

Tony, I worked in that environment for a number of decades. Like you early 20s. I can recall vividly a Chief who like you had the training. Fast forward 25 years and my undoing was bullying from someone who ran the facility , I was in.

Thats where my PTSD stems from

[quirkywords]

Tony

what kind understanding post.

I never ever criticise or comment on how grandchild are brought up, I am only supportive.

I do as much I can and as fairly as I can, I never had favourites in my children and not with grandchildren.

[asdff]

Hi, Yesterday I went down. All the way down. I reached out to two friends and a family member. I showed them a photo that detailed my condition. Being World Bipolar Day and all. Told the family member that it was debilitating. I had a scheduled psychologist appointment, it helped but minimal. I am riding the wave now.

Lisa, as for Will Smith’s behaviour. I could emphasise with him. I am reactive person. I have been pushed or baited in May situations in my life. I do not condone violence and have never hit anyone. I just mean his buttons were pressed and he reacted.

[quirkywords]

Asdff sorry you were way down I hope the people you reached out to helped to support you.

Aries that is sad about how your career ended.

I find the longer away in time I am from my trauma the harder it gets which makes no sense. I seemed to be coping better in first 6 months than now 27 mths away.

Is that common. .?

[Airies]

Quirky, I don’t know. Luckily the hospital admissions, treatments , various courses , meds, supportive family and an ounce of luck helped.

Touch wood, it’s been a while since I’ve been in hospital.

asdff , i hope it’s a better day today. It’s takes courage to reach out and let people know, more so family members, or so I think.I hope they were understanding and gained some insight into your plight.

Yesterday I did housework all day. I tend to have a better day if I keep myself busy.
Hoping others are travelling ok

[asdff]

Airies, yet again we are so similar. Saying you are better when you keep busy. Me too. So after reaching by out yesterday. We arranged a coffee date. I drink herbal tea though. Do I feel better today, I’m never going to be 100% but I am heading in the upwards direction. I find this another hard part of being bipolar, it is so unpredictable. When will I have the downs? When will I have a slight up? When I’m down for how long shall I be down? My downs seem to be 4-5 days. Maybe I am getting more tools and strategies to get out of them quicker. I’m not sure. I am getting better at preventing them. As they aren’t as frequent as they used to be. I didn’t like what my psychologist was suggesting yesterday or maybe it was my brain. That I liked being down. Who in the world would want to be depressed? I sure don’t. I am trying my best with what I have to get better.

Airies, so the bully they should have known better?

[quirkywords]

Like Asdff and Aries I try to keep busy . I like routine and a plan, that’s why Idont like being away from home.

Asdff I think bipolar affects people differently I had Mostly 6 to 10 weeks up and the y to 12 weeks down, then the odd day up or down in between,