This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Velvet

I need to be busy and stimulated.

Lisa

I am glad your daughter had a good time. 

[asdff]

Velvet, do you have coronavirus? some of my gym peeps were out of action, with that during the week. Please take care.

I am feeling more like myself now. That episode was something I’ve never experienced before. I think non bipolar people don’t understand an episode and our mood we can not control. With our strategies and maintenance, lifestyle choices we try and prevent the big dips but ultimately it is what is happening in our brain that controls it. It’s the most frustrating, exhausting and scary thing for us. I wish I could get others to understand. 

[velvetfaerie]

Yep. I have it. I've had symptoms for 5-7 days and only now it was detected. I'm OK. Just annoyed now I'm banished to the property. Guess I'll be getting a lot of gardening done. Oh and regrouting haha!!! I placed a home delivery food order. My appetite is back now and I had not shopped in a week.

Folks don't understand. I can't get my work to understand about what I need. But you can bet the rest have their needs acknowledged.

Had a nasty email today for no reason at all which was the last straw. I emptied my desk. I don't intend to be back in 2 weeks. My psych will cover that. My boss won't address the bullies. So, long leave and then formal process. If the employer does nothing I have a pro bono lawyer who specialises in cases like these at the ready.

Hey maybe I left them covid for their efforts. Meh.

I am a bit spaced out. Foggy. If I repeat myself I'm sorry.

[quirkywords]

Velvet, 

how are you feeling. No need to be sorry, I find your posts so honest and informative and they make me think and I always learn something. 
Asdff I agree with what you wrote that 

” ultimately it is what is happening in our brain that controls it. It’s the most frustrating, exhausting and scary thing for us. I wish I could get others to understand.“

At times I did not understand and I would rage at myself and others until I realised I could not control it.
 Medication and changing behaviour and lifestyle changes all help to a certain degree. As I read your posts I wanted to give you a big hug and make you soup.

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Quirky. I'm OK. Mild symptoms. I am on day 6-8 ish. The thing definitely progresses slowly!!!

Frustrated at being in covid jail. Frustrated at the fatigue. 

I did clean my floors today though! 

Realised most of my mates are selfish. 

I did receive a lovely phone call yesterday which was unexpected from a work colleague.

I realised today that having been infected and symptomatic for a week, it affected my cognition. I knew full well I had a very good exposure, was displaying text book symptoms and didn't get a pcr. I relied on rat tests which are far less reliable. The fact knowing and understanding these things is literally a part of my job, I just didn't think. I've been pretty meh all week!! Facinating how it crosses the blood brain barrier. (Not many infectious organisms do that).

Last night I slept 8hrs. Didn't wake up. Didn't need anything to help sleep. Didn't wake up when the heater and podcasts stopped. Guess my body is putting up a fight!! 

We have had some lovely sunshine today

[quirkywords]

Velvet

That was nice to get an unexpected phone call from a colleague. 
I know things but don’t understand.

I think too much. I still touch things I know are hot.

I think when one is sick one’s cognitive processes are diminished.  

[Airies]

Velvet take care and look after you. Made it to Bali, haven’t jumped in the pool yet and it’s day 3. Haven’t even walked out of the hotel complex. It’s rather large. Challenged physically by the tiles in the complex. They’re like glass and physically my foot and knee are not that flash. Yesterday was my wife’s birthday and son organised the most beautiful cake and flowers.Quite a feat and it made her day. We even had a dance in the hotel room. I’m doing what I need to survive. Other holidays I’d be out in the sun, having the odd drink, massage and pedicure. Not so now. 

[quirkywords]

Aries enjoy your holiday sounds  relaxing. What music did you dance to.?

[velvetfaerie]

Oh the sunshine. We have it here. I'm going to be out in it again today!! 

Did you feel the earthquake Airies? 

I'm jealous. Hey I haven't made it out of my apartment complex either hahaha. 

I'm still totally covid. I am not convinced I'll clear this by the end of the quarantine period. Spoke to my GP. She said given the length of symptoms so far I either copped covid and another respiratory virus, or I have one of the other nastier strains. She isn't concerned yet as I am, (was), fit and healthy. Why not. I never do things by halves.

I was awake middle of the night making food ahhaha. That's a good sign surely. Oh cake. I hope your wife's birthday was great!!! 

I have cake mix. Maybe I make a cake today. 

[Airies]

Hi folks, re what we danced to haha I can’t remember. Velvet others around felt the shock, cabanas , chairs , the whole pool moved. Me I didn’t feel it but I heard it. It was a loud rumble something akin to a quarry blast . Once it was over everyone was a tad shocked.we finally figured out what the little plaque on the foot at each steps with a symbol of a wave, a person and steps guiding you to the 4 th floor- a sunami.