This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

No one has visited or wanted to so far anyway. Mum called but she's unwell.

No other calls.

No effort.

I joined groups to make new friends at least. I need to just get out there.

[velvetfaerie]

I need to just stop validating them constantly and allowing them to mistreat me.

Low self esteem does that.

Seems covid has turned most people into super selfish people. If I behaved that way I'd be mud.

[Leisa68]

Hi all,

Happy Birthday, Velvet! I am sorry you are on your own. I am thinking of you. I remember a lot of birthdays when I was alone and it wasn't fun.

Went to the local art gallery to watch a film today. They are free and they have themes, this theme is called the "art of the heist" and has all these bank robber films. The one I saw today had Ryan Gosling in it and it was called "Drive". Was great but very violent. I guess that is what you have to expect seeing a heist film. The cinema was quite full, apparently, this film has a bit of a following. I had a great time. My son has decided he wants to learn all the flags of the world and has found this game where you have to guess the flag for which country in all different zones (ie Oceania). He has become obsessed with it and is doing well.

Despite all these great things going on, I had a bit of a spiral today. BiPolar never fully leaves you alone. But I came out okay. Hope you are all well.

Leisa

[quirkywords]

Velvet

I think this has been said before but because we have all been treated badly we would never do that to anyone. So that means people take advantage of us.

[Airies]

Velvet, thinking of you. I hope things improve for you sooner. Leisa I do love your descriptive writings. Ryan Gosling does some great movies.Good to see your son engaging in the flags of the world. You’re right bipolar never leaves up. I’ve been told by my wife that I’ve been a bit off lately .
I see my psych in a few weeks. I start my Ukulele lessons next week. Apparently if I master 3 chords I will play a song. That’s a challenge. Also walking into a group of strangers will be a tad scary.

[quirkywords]

I just lost my post so annoying.
Aries, you are amazing to be learning an instrument.

I tried learning piano, violin and guitar and was told by all 3 teachers how untalented I was and to stop wasting my parents or my money !!!

Leisa I know after nearly 50 years of living with diagnosis that bipolar is always lurking or in my face.

Like all mental illnesses , bipolar is always with us.

[velvetfaerie]

When people use tokenism it's insulting. Anything requiring effort isn't on the table.

2 friends today were very cool. The rest have made me feel super unimportant. I understand life happens and stuff. It's just too hard for them to even phone. Token text.

Well yeh enough talking about it. I'm cutting them off.

My friends when I stand up to them have a sook about it. Says a lot. I need to be under their control to be worthy.

[velvetfaerie]

The unbelievable run continues. Now mu mechanic is gaslighting me. I took the car in for service early due to a couple of issues. I explained. They didn't look. Didn't bother. Can't do it now. Too busy.

I'm at the end of my tether i really am.. I am not sure who has cursed me.

[Leisa68]

Wow, Airies, I couldn't play an instrument, let alone a ukelele! What song will you play to the masses? I look forward to hearing about it! I share your fear on Wednesday I've got to practice a Ukrainian song for my club "Oi Khodyt Son Kolo Vikon" (The dream passes by the windows) for my club's annual party and I haven't started yet. I'll get there, I always do. Then we've got Bastile Day - a few French songs there, but they are easier. Good luck with your psych. I'm glad you love my narratives.

I felt so silly thinking about being better Quirky only to spiral again this morning. It really is a lifetime thing. I have to work out how to handle it better. Well back to the books. Am awaiting two assignments to be marked and am working on the third. I hope everyone is well. I'm sorry things are going so crap at the moment Velvet, and hope things turn around soon.

Leisa

[velvetfaerie]

With this run of luck I should be set to win lotto and retire to the bush and be a hippy.

Many songs are 3 chord wonders hehe. Will you headband too Airies?

I joined a singles old farts group. The main focus isn't dating and romance!!! It's hanging out and being mates. I like this. They seem like a great bunch too.