This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Also, thank you for sharing the things you all do here. To be vulnerable in the hope of helping others is a saintly act.

[Lisa611]

Happy birthday Velvet! 

[quirkywords]

Velvet

thanks for your update .

All my partners have been at least ten years older. 
i rush into things as they say marry in haste repent at leisure.

[velvetfaerie]

I rush too, which is why I've found myself in less than ideal relationships. 

Now, I'm very aloof and distant. This happened because of the guy I met in November. We both were in then he decided no. Friends, and yet flirt with me in extreme ways. I'm still very sad about losing that friendship or whatever it was. He never used me. I miss him a lot. 

[quirkywords]

How is everyone.?

[velvetfaerie]

I haven't been able to function properly for a week and I'm very down.

The weather is cruddy too. 

I am trying to go to the shop. 

I have been piecing together my issues and it's hard.

[quirkywords]

Sorry velvet, 

It must be hard but you are still trying.

you have been through a lot in last.year or two.

[asdff]

Hello, Happy belated Birthday to Velvet. Lisa, I hope the appointments are lessening. Aries good luck with the operation. Quirky, I laughed at your comment about waiting for the wisdom. Me too friend, me too. As for people pleasing I am attitubed to passive aggressive. It does not serve me well. I get hung up on being independent, hello childhood trauma and not having backup or stable parenting to fall back on. So now I see other people getting what I want/wanted as a kid and I get all bent out of shape. Yep, all that therapy and I still can’t ask for help. I am feeling very part of my diagnosis today, I’ve cried lots. 

Quirky, I feel like I was doing all of the contacting, checking on friends. It’s sad when they don’t take the time and effort to keep in contact with you. I had someone ask me about a person that I would have called my best friend. Have you seen ////:? Nope but they did send me a message. That was nice as it was out of the blue.

[velvetfaerie]

Asdff... oh I feel this. And thank you re birthday!! 

Passive aggressive is something I rarely do, I just directly say what I think and feel. No matter what, I'm always in trouble anyway. Oh, I have resorted now to leaving people on read. I guess thats passive aggressive. Hahaha.

Asking for help etc, why bother when you're dismissed? 

[velvetfaerie]

I wish to add that being conditioned by abusive parents during childhood sets us up to accept these types of behaviours later on.

I have a few friends who make everything all about them every conversation. We could be talking about some pretty sad stuff, about others and they'll make it all about them. 

I've endured emotional and psychological abuse most of my life and I've been conditioned to tolerate it.

Now I disengage if it's nothing more than one upping and dissmissing. 

They get left on read hahaha.