This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Hey dudes! I've been working on myself. Focussing on my own growth. Let me explain based on something mentioned in the thread: 

People pleasing? A sign / symptom of trauma. Me? Guilty all my life. I'm breaking the pattern. If I don't please someone on demand, I will no longer fear losing them or retribution. Why? It says a lot more about them and I don't want people in my life like that. A friend has been bombarding me for many weeks about her troubles. This is ok. We all need a mate. Has she been interested in my life? Nope. Asked? No. Dismissed any comments I've made unprompted? You bet she has. 

Workplace people pleasing? Not anymore. I balance things, and will not destroy myself for an employer who will soon be at the mercy of industrial action and media coverage. I am solid and ok. Some of my colleagues I am truly worried about as I see their struggles through the eyes of someone with heaps of personal experience. I'm there for them. They know I am. 

Us underlings are so close now through the last 2.5yrs of covid and associated trauma from employers. I work in higher education and these are no longer public entities progressing knowledge, but seem to be silently becoming private enterprises all about profit margins and KPIs!!!!

Happy birthday Aries....belated...

It's Taurus time. 😁

Much love to the exhausted, traumatised, annoyed, lost. ❤ 

[quirkywords]

 Velvet

thanks for your up date.

i have tried not to feel guilty but I find it hard.
After the fires I stopped bring the  one who keeps in contact with friends and family . All I got was criticism how I wasn’t keeping touch but not many asked how I was. I felt guilty and eventually started the communication again but I did not keep on contacting if I got no reply. Now I hear , quirky is so bad at keeping in touch.

I like the way you have broken the pattern. Maybe I am too old to change. 

[velvetfaerie]

Behaviour like that from friends is very devaluing. Don't they know we can devalue ourselves well enough? (Jokes).

I understand life is busy and people have partners and kids.

Since when does that make me less valuable because I don't have those things? Since when does it give me more free time?

I know I'm valuable when they need help with drama, I'll tell you that much!!!!

[quirkywords]

Exactly Velvet I am my worse critic .

i think we can make time for others. 

[Lisa611]

Hi All!

Velvet I really admire your strength. You don't let people walk over you. I am often the one who makes contact with friends and family. I don't have alot of friends which is ok because I don't really have the time. I work, see my family on the weekend and spend time with my partner. 

[quirkywords]

Lisa I too admire  velvet for sticking to her principles.
I admire you for coping with recuperating husband and family and your job as a reacher. 
Aries I admire the way you keep going despite physical  problems. 
Asdff, I admire your insights into your personality and the energy and time that you put into your family.

I like the way we all support and get each other. 

[Lisa611]

Quirky I'm going to add to your last post. Airies I admire your persistence to keep going. Quirky I admire your life experience and generosity. Asdff I admire your drive to be the best version of yourself even when you're struggling. I like having a safe space where I can vent and feel supported.  

[quirkywords]

Lisa thanks for your kind words.

This is a welcoming and supportive place.

[quirkywords]

Velvet, I admire your honesty in your posts,
i like the way everyone here opens up to help others.

[velvetfaerie]

Hey guys. Oh thank you for the kind words. That means a lot!!! I am trying so hard to not fall into old patterns.

I have been on holidays. I have had to stand up to friends who cannot understand that some things they do and say can be very damaging, offensive and selfish as hell. I was very firm with my points. Long stories. 

Monday was my birthday. I ended up having a great day with a work colleague/friend. No one else has wanted to catch up over the fortnight I have off, unless it's a phone call telling me to get where they are right now as an afterthought.. NO!! 

I met a nice random dude while out monday. No, nothing like that. I simply can't. Too broken. He is very good looking and into many of the same things I am. Personable. Authentic. Since Monday I've barely slept. Nightmares. I have been triggered. He didn't do anything but he has many attributes of the guys who have damaged me over the last 7yrs. 

The funny bit? He's 15yrs my junior HAHAHAH!! 

I really hope I can nap a bit today.