This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Airies]

Asdff, so happy to see you’re back. Those cuts are annoying. Christmas is fast approaching. My wife takes the reins on that, well on most things anyway. I rely on her so much. Managed a bike ride in the heat, nothing to drastic but erring on caution due to aches and pains. I’m hoping to reduce my meds next year. Scared but will try and if not so be it.

V sounds like good news and happy for you.You sound like a good egg. There are decent people of both sexes. That sounds so old fashioned.

Lisa that sounds wonderful. I’ve been lucky, my first love and 37 years later so lucky to have her. I’m hard work. I guess we all are in differing degrees but we we are worth it 

[velvetfaerie]

There are good and bad people in ever corner of society, you just have to open up to possibilities.

He and I had a chat and he's worried about our communication. Fair play.

Everything else is there but he wants to dial it back a bit and explore friends first because if something happens and we don't have the communication, it's not good.

So we communicated super well regarding that, ironically. Probably because we dug deep out of fear of rejection and loss. I was very sad and hurt, which I expressed, but I also said it's a good idea and I accept it. We have only known each other a month.

So that night he got really drunk, which is not normal, and messaged me at 3am saying emotions and he drank way too much. The next morning he said he flooded emotionally.

Because we both have so much trauma and neurodivergent brains, we need to go easy and gently. I can't argue his logic.

Long term relationships are very hard, and if they're based on chemistry alone they may be toxic. Red flags are things I'm better at spotting now. I hope ahhahah!

These stories are great guys.

[quirkywords]

V, Aries and Lisa I have never had a partner whom even tried to understand me.

when the first two relationships ended they both blamed my mental health. When I saw a counsellor with my marriage hubby blamed it on my  bipolar. Even though I was stable for most of my marriage my ex blamed the divorce on my mental health. 

Aries I am in awe of your long marriage. 
v you both are aware of   the issues  nd are trying to work things out. 

Relationships are hard at the best of time but when one partner blames and dies not even try to understand it is vey hard.

[velvetfaerie]

Blaming mental health when the person is doing everything they can to help themselves isn't fair. Some people need a guilt free out.

I cut him off. I wanted to talk about some triggers for me whenever was convenient, given his were discussed and heard, ironically about communication. The reply was that i don't owe him an explanation and he wishes me the best.

So I guess he didn't care enough about our friendship and I was one of many he was playing with. I did see him flirting with more women today. He likes the vulnerable ones who are candid about mH conditions.

Been very upset for about 7hrs.

[velvetfaerie]

I had a massive epiphany this afternoon.

Everything I tolerate now was bestowed upon me as a child. 

Guess I'm going back to counselling.

[velvetfaerie]

Same with him. Both abused as kids and we haven't dealt with it properly yet. What a shame. Wasn't going to work anyway.

[asdff]

Velvet I was so proud of you and the guy for talking it over, then read dither and it’s over before it began. You are very mature. Hoping someone comes along that is a good fit. It made me nod along when you tolerate things bestowed on you in childhood. Same here. Not with current relationship but with the person that has hurt me my whole life, my Dad. Anyone else I would call them out on it but him it’s same old same old. Trying to please him. Blergh years of counselling and so still don’t stand up to him. Sorry for waffling.  

[quirkywords]

Velvet

i think I didn’t post my reply,

I wanted to offer my support and sympathy. It is frustrating after all your talking to each other  he didn't seem tolisten. 

[quirkywords]

I have been in a relati9n for over  9 years and we have never had a discussion where I are listened. Now he is using language like I use ,don’t shout, don’t be aggressive and others forms of gas lighting.

V I admire how you stood up for yourself. I am a wimp. 
asdff

I feel for you with your dad  .

[Airies]

I’ve been on edge, hypersensitive for a while.it’s funny not how doing a few extra things come at a cost. Yesterday I went to bed, had some meds and then additional meds in the evening so a bit wiped out. The wind, sounds, even colours when I shut my eyes.I bit my wife’s head off over some trivial thing. I am so so over this. Junk food is a refuge. Who am I kidding? Me . Sorry about the rant