This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Asdff

The grief you must have felt then and still do having lost two people who meant so much to you and that you were so close to.

[Leisa68]

Hi all,

I'm sorry Velvetfarie you are going through what you are going through. I hope you get the help you need and can move on soon. It must be so hard. I am so sorry Quirky too, you have had it tough of late. I wish I knew what to say that could help, but can only send good wishes.

I went to go for a swim yesterday up here but was turned away from the public pool for not being able to show that I was double vaccinated. It started to rain as I was asked to leave so got soaked anyway and went to the local park to wait for my partner to pick me up. Have now worked out how to download it on my phone. That will not happen again!!

Take care guys

Leisa 68

[quirkywords]

Leisa

I can relate about not being able to download something on my phone when I need to. Took me ages to do QR.

I am ok .i really find this thread helps me because people understand.

[velvetfaerie]

Went and sat in the park today with an old best friend from school. We sat there and had a iced coffee and talked for 5 hours. Was spectacular, apart from the sunburn I now have. We were in the shade!!!

We had excellent chats about all kinds of stuff. Was cleansing.

My friends are close at the moment. I've said they've not been there over the years but I was wrong. They're there.

Grief is a very hard emotion. It comes and goes. Sneaks up on you. Losing people who meant the world to you through whatever avenues, hurts like hell. It hits you in the chest. It's literally heartache. It comes and goes.

He contacted me yesterday. He was really worried about me and he's sorry he hurt me. I told him I don't believe a word of that. He went away.

[asdff]

Velvet, grief is gut wrenching. You think you are sort of okay, then you hear a song on the radio, a smell, drive past a restaurant you used to visit together. It hits you, we understand. Glad you are catching up with friends.

[velvetfaerie]

Had a little look through 4 years of text messages. Nothing will change. It's the same cycle all the time. The head games basically.

I can't count how often he's played with my head. Also I really cannot discount the possibility of other women. No evidence though.

I am so angry. I am so disappointed in myself too. I'm angry. Hurt and angry.

When I step back and look at the stories he's told me..... he's the problem!!!!

I better try and sleep. Grr.

[quirkywords]

Velvet

I am pleased that you had that long cleansing chat with your friend .

You describe the grief so well . Sometimes it feels like an unwanted guest that overstays their welcome then suddenly leaves and you feel better. Then out of the blue ,grief arrives for another unplanned and unwanted visit.

Have you been writing down your feelings in a journal .?

I hope you managed some sleep.

Asdff,

how are you going. how was your mums visit ?

[Lisa611]

Hi All

Grief no matter the cause is always painful. I'm glad you are being supported by your friends Velvet. It's also great that you can recognise the cycle. Stay strong. Leaving the familiar behind is always tough. This is my 4th day not smoking! Am getting through each day slowly. I'm an addict who is trying to regain control of their life. Wishing everybody well today.

[Airies]

Lisa, good on you for staying firm on not smoking. Food tastes better, you feel better and not to mention the health benefits. Plus savings galore.
I used to smoke, last time was a smoke at my sons wedding. It didn’t agree with me. If I could control my food like I gave up the smokes I’d be happy. Not to be at the moment.

V I’m glad you have some supports and friends. Don’t be afraid to lean on them.
ive given up on a friend as of now, no contact , no nothing, sheer hard work. At times I prefer my own company. Apart from one friend few others have been work colleagues. I really can’t be bothered. Is that a sign of old age? Minimising contact with others. I’d rather be here, at least we all get one another.

Managed a walk but no bike ride .More excuses

[asdff]

Quirky, it happened today. I didn’t get angry or upset. However, I didn’t get to voice my opinion. It’s not the right time. I did get an acknowledgment that I suffered trauma and I could have had some counselling as a young child. Mum did say she was probably inward facing, focusing on herself and new partner. I said these days the school probably would have recommended seeing the school psych.