This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[asdff]

V can you do an online shopping order? You are strong. I am woman song, just came into my head.

Lisa, one hour at a time. What are you doing to distract yourself? I’ve just baked cupcakes and a chocolate cake. Teen daughter started with me and then just wanted to lick the bowl.

[Lisa611]

Velvet be kind to yourself. You aren't only traumatised but are grieving the loss of your relationship.

Today I spent the morning tidying up. Then went to the local shopping centre. Saw the movie House of Gucci based on a true story. Asdff to keep myself distracted I'm knitting...I'm not a knitter but I've decided everybody is getting a scarf lol. I brought myself a bunch of flowers. I have to be careful that I don't sink into a low.

[Leisa68]

Hi Quirkywords,

He must see something, one minute I'm organizing a gigantic party (for nothing), and the next I am finding it hard to get out of bed thinking the world is ending. I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist, that should be enough! The medication helps, and he is always around to support me in other ways. Maybe this is his way of coping.

Have taken up swimming to try and calm these troubled waters just to zone out. Have had a good day today, however, and hope you all have too.

Leisa68

[velvetfaerie]

Asdff - yeh online shopping has been suggested by a few people haha. I don't need much so I'll just go tomorrow.

Have to be strong. No other choice. We are all strong in here.

He started the hoovering an hour ago. *ignore*

[asdff]

Leisa68 I know someone that swims for meditation. As for the party planning, then bang into depression that is me.

Velvet, for hoovering do you mean hanging around or vacuuming?

I must be hypomanic because of the cooking. Husband gets cranky when I cook more than one thing. I have to use up the excess energy. I haven’t been hypo in why feels like two months. I have been sluggish.

My Mother rang earlier. She thought I better visit Asdf. Surprise surprise she is combining it with picking someone else up. I am never her first option and I feel she has replaced me with Step Niece. I need to explore this with my psychologist but don’t have an appointment anytime soon. If so see Mother and say something she will no doubt say something about attachment. If a friend was treating me this way, I would tell them I wouldn’t want to be friends or let it naturally end. She doesn’t see anything wrong with spreading herself thinly, people pleasing so many people. I would rather please the important people. I sure don’t feel like an important person. I have aunties who have awesome relationships with their daughters.

[velvetfaerie]

Hoovering aka sucking up. It is a part of the cycle of abuse.

[velvetfaerie]

Don't think I mentioned the threat he used to control me which is very triggering last night. Towards himself.

I had to involve police.

I'm a bit worried still. Past traumas and stuff.

[velvetfaerie]

Asdff that must suck with your mum. I understand similar feelings from a different place.

Always the option never the priority.

How do you even have that conversation with a parent?

[quirkywords]

Velvet,

it is so complicated and I am sorry his threat is triggering.
It seems there are always more hurdles.

Asdff that is an awful feeling to feel like an important person in your mums life.

[asdff]

Velvet it will probably come out angry and hurt. Then Mum will make me feel like I’m four years old again. I wish I could talk about to two people in my life that I was very close to and then bam within two weeks both were gone. You wonder why I have abandonment issues. I used to have reoccurring nightmares.