This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Being civil is good , hope it continues.

[velvetfaerie]

Yes. He's moving out when he can get a place. Nothing much out there but he won't take months either. Also we will be sharing time away from the home to lessen time together. It's at least a separation for 6 - 12 months. Very sad but it may help us realise we don't work and are happier that way. I just want to be fair. I am scared because I'm definitely co dependent now. He thinks we both are due to trauma. I said hence separating will be very hard but probably helpful long term.

The interactions between him and child and ex were extensive and showed the cycle of psychological abuse. The same games He pulls on me. He sees it. I said this needs addressing if not for me but for any more relationships you have. You brought this learnt abusive behaviour to my home and It doesn't work!!! You guys did it to each other and now here. All the relationships are damaged or destroyed.

I'm OK just tired.

Work tomorrow.

The dog is happy he's here. The dog just watched me mope and cry for 3 days.

[asdff]

That seems like progress Velvet. I hope work is okay and cool indoors.

My mother rang me last night. I didn’t feel like answering but did. She is up doing something for someone else. Surprise, surprise. Asked what the kids and I had on tomorrow. We have something on. For a few hours. I don’t want to see her. I’m sick of being her back up plan. Her plan when all the others are cared for. She should put her biological children first.

Do you guys know about attachment types? According to my mother’s psychologist I have an anxious ambivalent attachment type. So of course I’ve gone to read up on it. Yeah pretty much. As a baby doesn’t get their needs meet. When the caregiver returns as an older child. We cry and want to be close to them. Yeah, that is because they’ve been away. I did have a traumatic first year. My mother ran away from my father when I was baby.

[asdff]

After all the Christmas hullabaloo, I wanted to go into a facility. I want help. These issues aren’t going away. My strategies aren’t working. Thankfully it was cooler last night. So I could get a better nights sleep. We have broken a heatwave record over here. It was disgusting. Anyway back to the Christmas stuff. I can see why people go away at Christmas time. So they don’t have to see people that they see once a year or family that annoy them.

[velvetfaerie]

It hurts a lot to realise all the things I have. Works cool. Apart from vital machinery breaking down at critical times haha!

I ponder the question- what emptiness is your mum trying to fill? If there's one?

[asdff]

She used to be an alcoholic.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

I person I know is adopted so she has abandonment issues and is wary of attachment as her adopted parents were strict and did not show her affection .

[asdff]

Oh I have abandonment issues in spades. I can’t give away why because if people are reading this, they could identify me.

[godless]

Feelings are such a pain and strong feelings are excruciating so it is good to see your heat wave ending. Good for you and bad for me cause the heat is headed East. 38 today and 40 tomorrow

[velvetfaerie]

Hmm. Needs to fill a void.

I tell ya I'm broken. 😞