This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

godless,

I moved to a new year where I had a rundown cottage so we were lucky to have a place to live but fra far from community and friends.

Velvet that was a real coincidence to walk with that person.

I think your mind will be processing and overthinking.

Abusers playing the victim, I have seen and heard that happening.

[velvetfaerie]

I've been trying to get access to modem to change passwords for 4 hours. All sorts of phone calls. It won't work.

He's done something to take control of the modem. He's smart enough to do it too.

So now nothing works. No internet. No CCTV. Nothing.

All I want is my life back.

[quirkywords]

Velvet

that is so mean.

I hope you can get someone to help get access to the modem.

[velvetfaerie]

I gave up. Try again tomorrow.

The reason I ended it is the cycle of abuse.

His child and ex pulled the same techniques with him today that he has done with me. I said "thats beautiful. If you can't see the cycle here you're a...............you all need therapy."

The heat is yuk. BLARG.

[velvetfaerie]

Sleep fail. Learning about addiction to explicit material and it's affects on relationships.

Narcissists are almost always addicted to explicit material and/or infidelity. It destroys intimacy in relationships.

That's one of his things. Plus the relentless narcissistic abuse. This is domestic abuse.

He's very much a misogynist and bigot. Controlling. Manipulative. Never wrong. The perpetual victim. No concept of how his actions hurt and damage others. Acted like a good guy by appearing to rhe outside world as if he cared about me and helped me.

I can put this here and someone will hear me. He won't. He denies constantly even in the face of proof.

My friends believe me. My friends never liked him because of how he changed me. Made me miserable. Destroyed my self esteem and sense of self. Controlled me.

I can't wait until he's out of my life.

I need counselling. Maybe there is a specialist area for this type of abuse.

[quirkywords]

Velvet,

we are listening. You write so clearly. There will be people reading your posts who will recognise their relationship as narcisstic abuse but have never seen that before,

What you wrote about addiction to explicit materials and infedility and controlling and other behaviours, I could relate to in a previous partner but he was just seen as heavy drinker. Makes so much sense.

I wonder if 1800 Respect would know about specialist counselling.

I hope you get sleep.

[velvetfaerie]

1800respect know about the counselling and I have some numbers to follow up on today. 😊

It's hard but when I reflect I see what he did and does. He doesn't. He is never wrong.

His mother told me once that if his father and her had a fight it was up to her to appologise and take the blame no matter what.

In the message last night from the ex wife masquerading as the child she pointed out he had no right telling her to be respectful with this house as he had his mother clean up after him in his 20s, and 30s. So basically she can do as she likes because he did & he's a hypercrite.

Can't wait until he is gone. The rental crisis is not going to help but I won't allow him to use it to his advantage.

[asdff]

Quirky, I forgot to say what I do for anniversaries. I cry. I spend all day thinking about them. I am probably not a good example. I feel everything.

it’s been super hot. I am over it. It affects my moods. We haven’t been sleeping well. Even with aircon on all night. Christmas and this lack of routine has done a number on me.

[godless]

that V person is in a pickle and I feel very sorry for her

the weather does cause some people heat stress and on top of BP then I feel for their troubles too.

[velvetfaerie]

Adulting well this afternoon. It's definitely over but being civil is good.