This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Dottie!!

All will be ok regardless what happens today. Hard word time!!

My colleagues at work yesterday were the best. I wish I could share them with you all. I spent three hours in tears and they all helped me feel better.

(I can't figure out how to put your names in bold lol. Need my morning coffee I think).

Mallow -8km run!!? NIIICCEEE. Ah the aerobic rush. 🙂 and such an accomplishment!

Kazzl- glad class went well!! Hope you got a good rest also. I find school sedating lol.

***Hugs to all***

urghh I woke up at 4am... can't sleep.... and I have a long day of work and TAFE today.....

happy Friday everyone!!!

Chae

x

[Lady_Stardust]

Morning, all! How is everyone?

Sounds like a lot of achievements going on! I'm proud of everyone. (:

I had a bad day yesterday, hence why I wasn't around. I was feeling very bad and my appointment with a employment caseworker didn't go particularly well. My regular caseworker wasn't there, so I had to see a stranger. I didn't like that, since I had already built a relationship with my regular caseworker and didn't want to have to go through all the details again. I was pretty teary already, but that certainly didn't help. On top of that, I was offended by her question of whether I actually wanted to work when we were going through what I would and would prefer not to do.

Even if I wasn't feeling fragile, that would have offended me. I thought it rude, because I've been trying really hard with my attempts at finding employment and of course I actually want to work, otherwise why would I be there? I'm a voluntary client at the organisation, I have no financial obligation to be there (as in, I'm not on Centrelink support) so obviously I want to work. Urgh. Made a bad mood worse. 😕

[velvetfaerie]

**hugs** Lady.

Some people have no tact or self awareness. Hell, at times I am like that 😕 I do hope you are feeling better today.

I want to make you all laugh. I am 1.5 hours late to work today because my friends goats escaped. This threw things a lot because we car pool. Buggers! They had a great time eating grape vines, shrubs, washing, etc. My friend was NOT impressed. She is still not at work. 🙂

[MallowPuff]

Hehehehe, finally got their goat huh... brilliant... 🙂 *chuckle*

Lady , you really do wonder how some people came to work in their roles, or how they even keep their jobs, and/or their need to feel superior by lowering others, particularly in a client facing role! I usually flip it around and wonder what made their life so sad and what troubles they have that shaped them into such a bitter or insensitive person.

Dottie yup, it's a dull persistent ache that is underlying. It's not always present, when I'm busy or distracted, but when I stop, it's like I sink. It's like the hamster on the wheel has gone, cobwebs and tumbleweeds float through, and it's no longer a buzzing head, but a heavy heart. Probably mostly realisation of the altered state I was in for the last 12 or more months, the damage I caused, how much things got out of control, how far I fell, and the whole re-calibration of expectations, thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. It's a strange process, but I'm grateful for strangely being a basically optimistic type of person, thankfully that trait hasn't left me. It just has to work a lot harder at the moment. ​

And you are all in my newly formed bunch of weird. Welcome aboard the good ship lollipop!

Some day I'm going to fly.
I'll be a pilot too.
And when I do, how would you
Like to be my crew...

On the good ship lollipop.
Its a sweet trip to a candy shop
Where bon-bons play
On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.

Have a good Friday all... time to make an appointment with my shrink (psychologist), to catch her up on the past 3 months 🙂

Cheers!

[MallowPuff]

*Mania and hypomania

When superheroes lose control of their powers

----

*Kryptonite

smallest effective dose required to keep superpowers in check

[Airies]

Hi Mallow

8 k run around the zoo, sounds idyllic and there's some lovelly parkland there. A very green vibrant part of the city. No excercise for me today funeral and my mums birthday she passed away 5 years ago.Payed respects and grateful to see a few old family friends.

Velvetfaery that's a great excuse for being late for work. No mean feat in capturing a goat in full flight , scary things

Lady_Stardust ​proud of you as well. Some people have no tact or consideration in regards to how cutting their remarks can be. I'm slowly regaining a thick skin or trying too on any day some remarks cut deep. A cyber hug from a fellow sufferer and hope your mood gets better I'm sure it will.

My first job was in TAFE , Fond memories and TAFE like many industries was in full flight in the 1980,s one could say in the good old days.

Dottie it's only money, one comes into the world with nothing and leaves the world with nothing that's something I heard today.The tech rang and the screen sounds promptly stuffed so a newer upgrade will have a few more bells and wistles, like Hearth rate, Bluetooth.As much as I m trying to simplify my life I do love a new gadget, I also need to cut back on purchases I think it's a bipolar thing, impulsiveness one never knows what one will do.

i too am extremelly familiar with sad., been very sad , sad at the Wong times, politically incorrect at other times.. Someone today described me as always being happy.. I open ed up about the last year, no shame in opening up about being biplolar and hues to show how we can ,mask things. You come across as a happy, very giving soul via the written word and hope th is brings a smile to your dial.its great that you are here !! we are weird in a wonderful way.

it would be rather dull without us wouldn't it?

Kazz big steps and well done. That's fantastic news, sounds like you are recharging the batteries . I must profess to having many an afternoon nap even long periods of being bed bound when I was really struggling. I need my sleep, I tend to zone out a bit with the meds but have noticed that with ceasing/cutting back on the meds the last few days I'm a bit more hyper in a good way and waking up before 8am and alert.Not looking forward to Winter, suffer the Winter blues big time, hopefully by then learning more and more techniques and coping better.one thing I can be assured of is of many friends here.As a learned scholar once said I hope you are all doing alright or alrightish if struggling

xo​

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

Totally agree on a tall and elegant bookcase ,

maybe Victorian Ash, cedar or Maple.Lets see certainly well read and going back to my Library days 150 Psychology, 641.994 you'd find something on Australian Cooking, 700s are the Arts , Literature in the 800s and a bit of Aussi History around the 994. Nothing like a good read is there.

Hopfully as I continue to improve, I will have another fortitude to pick up a good book and read it from cover to cover,

Any ideas?

cheers Len xix

[Lady_Stardust]

Dottie forgot to reply to you! My memory is terrible. Cold calling is a good idea, I could try that out. I hate making phone calls, but honestly I have to try and get past that anxiety. I tend to fade out a little bit on phone calls, but I'm working on that, too. (:

Hugs to everybody, thank you for your kind words! ❤️ I'm thinking I may make a complaint to my regular caseworker; I'm not usually one to do so (complaining to mates is my thing) but this time I think I should say something. Next time I see him. And velvetfaerie, that did make me smile! What naughty goats, hahaha.

How is everyone going?

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Chae, thanks for the hug! Here's another virtual hug in return 😊 Your colleagues sound amazingly supportive. I'm glad they were there for you.

I enjoyed the goats anecdote ha, ha. Well, I bet the goats had a blast even if your friend probably didn't feel the same way about their escape.

Lady Stardust, I agree with everyone else's comments about how some people are in the wrong jobs,and have the sensitivity and insight of a brick wall (obviously I'm referring to your awful employment caseworker).

As you said, you clearly wanted/want to work. You attended the meeting of your own volition yet she had the nerve to make a snide remark about your willingness to work. Pfft! Says everything about her and nothing about you.

No worries at all. I'm sure you're just being nice and your memory is perfectly okay 😊 Cold calling is pretty tough but can sometimes do the trick. No pressure though as it was only an idea, and it's 100% up to you to choose what you do and don't do. We will support you either way.

Mallow, the past 12 months must have been very overwhelming. You sound emotionally wiped- looks like the enormity of the past 12 months has finally hit home.

With emotions and with pain, what's that saying about how "you can run but you can't hide?" I admit that it's a tad hypocritical coming from me but that doesn't make that statement less true. Life huh?

On a lighter note, I'm honoured to join your merry band of Weird (capital W). Boarding the lollipop ship as I type (first class please ticket please).

Len, I'm glad your screen is being sorted. Nothing wrong with gadgets as I feel many people have their interests and favourite things to buy. Kaz (hi Kaz!) likes her plants and gardening related buys and my dad loved gadgets too! As for me, I've a bit of a soft spot for art (mostly can't afford it on my student budget though), fashion and skincare.

Public face and private pain is something that I personally love to say. It looks as though you can relate to those words too.

Kudos to you on your openness about living with bipolar as well as your other struggles to that person. Appearances can be deceiving and it's hard to always know how much is hidden behind a person's smile and "cheerful" demeanour.

I guess my writing depends on my mood, the thread, the conversation at hand, etc. I generally write with humour but I have a serious side too.

Thank you, and yes, life would be dull without us ha, ha.

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

Exceeded word count so had to create a new post ha, ha.

Kaz, I hope you're having many, many afternoon naps this weekend to make up for your busy week.

Ivan, Tony WK, Resilience plus everyone else- warm Sunday wishes to all of you.

Everyone, I've had a decent weekend. I had a day to myself yesterday sans friends and away from my housemates.

Did my own thing and checked out some musicians busking on the streets, visited a market and picked up some awesome secondhand fashion and looked at buildings (the last one might sound strange but I have a weird fascination with architecture and design).

Dottie x