This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[1113]

Hi kazzl,

Thats fantastic news..

Made me smile. Excellent.

Hope ur holding well in your pattern.

Always a pleasure.

Peace

Matt

[Kazzl]

Thank you Matt - peace to you too lovely friend.

Kaz

xx

[1113]

Anytime kazza,

I hope you find balance anyway you can. You deserve to be happy even if life and body doesn't allow it. I hope your medicine works for you😊

I will keep an eye on you! You've always been a favorite.

I can assist with mindfulness but you'll find it difficult. Been there.

Peace

Matt.

[Resillence]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum.

Looking forward to getting to know everyone and offer mutual support. Thanks for inviting me here Kaz, and huge congrats !

A little about me: (single mum, 4 teenagers) . My bipolarity was finally diagnosed some years ago after yet another major crisis. I had mixed feelings of relief and regret at the time. Relief to know it wasn't all my fault for not 'trying hard enough' and regret of how much impact on my life and others might have been avoided or at least lessened.

After being given a myriad of medications, some which were even more detrimental than my episodes, I found the one that suits me best and so my inevitable highs and lows have not been not extreme or long-lasting.

However, I am really struggling with anxiety and depression, have been for some time, so am reaching out for support here. My youngest son has been battling cancer for the last 4 yrs and his prognosis is very poor. Under my doctors recommendation I have upped my meds a little, but I've also gone back to self-medicating with alcohol. (Thanks Kaz for welcoming in that thread too).

My only friends these last years have been other mums in hospital, but have understandably lost contact as they have all lost their children. I'm still living the daily rollercoaster and am feeling very lonely. I live in a different world to normal society at the best of times.

When I called the help-line last week, the kind young gentleman suggested I join this online forum, so here I am. Thanks for listening, xxx to all.

[Kazzl]

Hi Resilience, welcome! I'm so pleased you joined us here. And a big virtual hug to you.

I think you're amazing. To cope with having a very sick child and three other teenagers, on your own, is more than enough for anyone to deal with, let alone someone managing their own difficult and unpredictable disorder. I know you're struggling hun, but please just think about that for a moment - what an incredible thing you are doing!

We often say here 'you are stronger than you know', and I reckon you are a gold star example of that.

I'm so sorry about your son, that must be devastating for all the family. As a mum of two, I can only imagine the pain you're in. How is your son coping? And his siblings - brothers or sisters?

Resilience, I know the drinking is troubling you, we spoke on the other thread. All I'd say here is don't let it add to your struggles. If it's causing you grief then try hard to stop or cut down, or at least be aware of whether it's increasing. When you're ready you will stop. That time will come, just be aware that sometimes it doesn't comes till we hit rock bottom, and that's never good. So maybe try to keep it in check, and make sure you're safe when you are drinking. It took me about a year of attempts to finally manage it (after a drunken attempt to end it all).

This thread is a place for we bipolar folks to look after each other - give and receive support when we need it, and also share some lighter times and things we enjoy. If you read back you'll see us chatting about music, gardens, travel plans, ummmmm spending sprees (not so good), sports etc. In my view this is not idle chatter, it's really important for folks battling the rollercoaster and the black dog to maintain our 'normal' interests and talk about them - it gets us out of our heads for a moment and can make us smile, that's always a good thing.

I know your time is probably fully occupied, but what things do you enjoy when you can?

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better hun. Post when you can.

Cheers

Kaz

[1113]

Hi all,

I have to completely agree with kazzl. Drinking is a huge issue with mental health. I have come to a point where my body is a temple. I haven't had a drink for over a year now. All I drink is water and real coffee, one a day. I don't eat sugar or have anything that contains any chemical products at all.

I am super sensitive to the slightest change in my health routine. Every day this gets better. Peace for me is on the horizon. The pattern for me is old but new at the same time. Every eposide I learn more about it and how to overcome it.

My issue with bipolar is its only short cycle periods (2 - 3 weeks). Strangely enough PTSD triggers it. In this time all I can do is focus on nothing except the rapid cycle. This is a wave that stops if i ride it out. Unfortunately major depression is a much longer process being 90% bigger than bipolar. My symptoms are quite rare. Placing me in a confusing situation in regards to diagnosis. The dr likes to sort the biggest issue only. Because I am super sensitive to medication. My body rejected bipolar meds extremely fast causing me much distress and hospitalization. Which took some time to recover from. It affected my thought processes to halt. Body nervous increased and internal digestive system stopped working.

In extremely rare cases medication can cause symptoms which make diagnosis impossible. Thats me.

I am here to return my thanks and offer my assistance in help form.

Unfortunately I cannot change my medication that would cause a time reverse affect. I do find a strange sense of belonging, mainly because of my perspective veiw. I am sorting this all out for myself and after that I will be happy.

I'm doing this through philosophy because I relate to it more than anything else. Please come and help me see straight, it would be mighty helpful to me.

Im signing off for the day peeps. Chat you all tomz.

Its hot and my boy and are going to play zen ninja in the pool. The game is posted at "walking shoes - walking group". This is a cool mindful meditation game.

Peace to you all.

Matt.

[Lady_Stardust]

Hey, everybody.

I saw the word 'bipolar' and thought I'd make a tentative appearance and introduce myself. I'm Lady_Stardust. I don't really mind what you call me - I'm all about those nicknames. I'm nineteen and when I was eighteen I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I had a major depressive episode when I was … seventeen, maybe? It's hard to remember. So, naturally, I was treated for depression and went through a bunch of medication, all of which worked for only a short while before I went downhill again. That was very frustrating and put me in a pretty dark place. It's hard to remain hopeful when you've tried so many different things and nothing works. Dealing with the side effects and washout periods was pretty rough, too.

I decided to do some research of my own, because I felt that I didn't always meet the criteria for depression. That's when I stumbled across the criteria for Bipolar II, and related to it far more than I did depression. I took my concerns to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed and started off on a medication that is also used for people with epilepsy. I still don't completely understand the connection between the two conditions, but I don't really care, because the medication greatly improved me.

I still get very sad and irritable sometimes, as well as (not often) experience symptoms of hypomania. But my medication keeps me level for the most part, staves off the episodes, which I am very grateful for. However, I feel the down moods hit me a little harder when they appear after a long period of levelness, because I seem to still be falling into the trap of thinking I might remain level forever. I realise that this is incorrect, but wishful thinking is appealing.

In general life, I am hoping to soon get a job. Just casual/part time. I think that that will help me, give me something to do, and an income would be nice (I do not like relying on my parents and do my best to want for nothing, regardless of their instance that it's okay).

I am okay today emotionally (I'm feeling physically unwell, gah) and hope that I will remain level but am trying to be realistic about the possibility of a shift in mood. Reality can be so difficult.

[Kazzl]

Hi Lady_Stardust - what a beautiful name! Welcome to our little gang. It's lovely to meet you - sorry you're feeling a bit off colour and hope you feel better soon.

I know what you mean about the down times hitting harder because you live in hope you'll stay level all the time. I had a similar but different thing when I was diagnosed. I'd been treated for depression for a long time and with each depressive episode I hoped it would be the last ... maybe mine was one of those depressions that disappear eventually. Once I was diagnosed bipolar I knew it was forever and my heart sank. But, we learn to adapt don't we.

It's great you're stable at the moment, I am mostly too - a vast difference to a year ago.

Best of luck finding a job - what sort of work would you like to do?

What do you enjoy doing in your free time? Any hobbies?

Cheers hun, hope to chat soon.

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi folks, regulars and welcome aboard newcomers,

Kazz what great news re scholarship and the new job. Wow you will be busy as. I've walked for a few hours, rowed on my machine for an hour and done up teen stomache crunch Es. I've discovered an ap called zero where you log you last meal, based on intermitant fasting with the goal of not eating for 13 hours with the hope of getting rI'd of some weight. There's some science too it .

Love the name LadyDust.Weve all different stories but we supportive here. Since being on meds I can't even have 1 glass of alcohol . It just doesn't agree with me. I was never a big drinker so I've brought a soda stream so mineral/soda water is one of my new vices.

Lady_Stardust, I hope to remain sort of level for the foreseeable future with meds, couselling and hardwork.The extremes I have endured in the recent past were scary.

Echo Kazzs sentiments with best of luck of finding a job. I was very high functioning and career minded for close to 25 years. My diagnosis explained a lot to me, I'm good for the moment and hopefully it lasts a while. I have a few side effects with my meds, would love to be off them, but the benefits far outweigh not taking them. I'm Bipolar but I'm also a lot of other things as well.Join the gang here, we bounce off each other and ride the rocky rollercoaster together,

cheers Len

[Airies]

Mindfullness has helped me no end. Each session of DBT starts with a session.just another tool in the ever expanding toolbox,

cheers Len