This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Kazz,

your garden sounds idyllic. It's great theraphy I think. You know a water feature is very therapeutic as well. Yeah I know without those meds I'd be a mess and have been even when medicated so it's been a combination of a lot of things that's keeping me well.

im pretty stuffed when I overdo the excercise thing. Its takes days to recover. Going to bed at 4 in the arvo. Struggle with moderation but I'm learning. You makes lots of sense.i know what it's like to feel out of kilter. A stranger in the crowd that sort of thing. I'm managing and managing to stay out of hospital and having those dark dark thoughts and I don't want to go back there.

so what have you planted in your cottage garden. I imagine the conditions in Canberra must be favourable though you have snow on those hills. I'm a Bunnings fan as well.

My garden is full of Native plants. I'm starting a couple of veggie patches. Very sandy soil down here but lots of horse poo and mushroom compost and time will fix that. I've also dabbling into vermiculture or worm farming so turning into a real greenie. Plan to grow some of the weird varieties and old fashioned veggies out there.Being bipolar we always do things differently lol.its good to string more and more periods of for want of a better word normality. I know I will never be normal again but then again I never was.

My diagnosis, the right meds, family and medical support and not throwing the towel in have made me what I am today. Self care is a big thing and a continual learning process,

glad you are here and doing well:)

cheers Len

[Guest_322]

Hi Kaz, Tony, MallowPuff & Igbran,

Happy belated New Year to one and all!

First things first, in case you didn't know, I don't have bipolar so my advice or insight is extremely lacking. I just sometimes pop in to chat and offer encouragement- I hope you guys don't mind. I'm personally more familiar with bipolar's sibing illness, the black dog, than bipolar itself.

MallowPuff and Igbran, you both sound on track. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to trivialise anything that you're going through. In saying that, you both seem to be taking a proactive approach in managing the bipolar, which can only be a good thing. Besides, you have Kaz here who can share her lived experience with you guys.

Take care!

Dottie x

[Kazzl]

Hiya Dottie, you are always welcome here sweet pea! I love your cheery visits. How are you?

Len - I wish I'd written this:

My diagnosis, the right meds, family and medical support and not throwing the towel in have made me what I am today. Self care is a big thing and a continual learning process.

Nailed it my friend.

Your gardening sounds great - you're far more advanced than I am. Once I get all my gardens established I want to learn about worm farming, composting etc. I have a large area marked out for a veggie garden, so I'm hoping to eventually grow lots. There's nothing quite as good as homegrown veggies. I have another area marked out for fruit trees too, so I'll need to learn about managing them and keeping the birdies off when they're fruiting.

My cottage garden sort of encircles the front yard, with a path through to the front porch. It is now full of roses, lavendars, dianthus, dahlias, carnations, a magnolia, margurite daisies, african daisies, penestmons, petunias, verbena and other pretty things I don't know the names of (Bunnings $2 pots). Makes me happier than happy to see them, water them, talk to them (yes I do).

Couldn't have done any of it without my fella - he did all the stone wall building, shifting dirt, levelling, building the path etc. I just chose the plants and did the planting (what he calls 'lady gardening' haha). The last thing we'll need to do is lay turf on the large area in the middle, but we won't do that until it's cooler, probably March. It's been a wonderful project to do together while I'm not working.

Next week we start on the back yard - a massive task with lots of ground work involved. Eventually it will be lawn, trees (already have some beautiful mature autumn trees) and evergreen shrubs and a pebble path to the veggie garden. I think of it as our park (It's quite large for a suburban block).

Are you still awake? Haha. Sorry, I do love a chance to rabbit on about my garden. Plants are my favourite people, present company excepted of course.

Cheers mate, hope you have a good day.

Kaz

[Guest_322]

Hi Kaz,

Thank you! Your garden sounds very lush and I love the line "Plants are my favourite people, present company excluded" ha, ha. I have the blues/greys (of whatever colour fits) but your plant talk made me smile.

May your suburban garden paradise continue to bloom and I hope you have a good chat with the plants today. Say hi to the African daisies for me please. Hmm...maybe I should get some (small) pot plants for my room.

Dottie x

[MallowPuff]

Hey Kaz,

Thanks for taking the time to write that response. Have read it a couple of times now to help it sink in, and it all sounds like good advice.

Acceptance, maybe, although I'm still wary of my diagnosis. Mild Bipolar, high functioning? Or just a messed up guy who went off the rails in a high stress environment, making bad life decisions? So I guess that's a no to acceptance at the moment.... sometimes I want to tell everyone, to help others understand why I'm so hot or cold, why I'm excited and highly motivated, or why I'm withdrawn and not present, and sometimes I don't believe the diagnosis.

Self awareness, this is a new journey. I thought I knew it all, who I was, how I was feeling, in control, self aware. But that became totally scrambled and part of the delusional me. Now I wonder who the heck I am, what is normal me, what happened to the past Mallow. I feel I've changed, feel like I've sort of grown up, no longer naive, now more aware, but learning to understand myself again from scratch.

Your comments about the 'dailyness' of bipolar though is now so true. All of that hits he nail on the head of a medicated me. And I am still reading more when I can, when I can focus or have the right motivation.

Oh and I have a small garden growing with my 8yo daughter. Ate our first lettuce from it on the weekend and have plenty of basil, chives, rosmary growing. Tomato plant has grown massive and hopefully chillies soon...

Read a good article by Ayelet Waldman this week too, on NY times site. My wife stumbled across her, and it was a good read that made sense, also being a mostly manic person with little or no depression. Just fluctuating high to irritable/angry/mixed mood.

Ill also go back and look at Natasha Tracey 🙂

In the meantime my weight is still going up :(.... trying not to worry about it at the moment. Need to get/keep stable.... a functioning Mallow is better than a thin, manic, losing my family/kids/job Mallow puff, I have to keep telling myself. But I do need to get active again... just totally lacking the will/motivation,,, and putting back on older/larger clothes I thought I had moved on from....

ah well..... it's Friday....... soooooo looking forward to the weekend. Except for most likely pulling out of a 28km punishing trail run... be kind to myself, yup, even if it pains me to.

[Airies]

Hi there Dottie, Kazz and MallowPuff,

Dottie I love your posts. Another vote for your cheery visits and I hope 2017 is a good one for you too!

Kazz you garden sounds like magic. Not a day goes by when I'm not in mine. It's a proven fact that tinkering around with the soil is good for the soul.

Mallow sounds like you have a green thumb as well. Good on you and it's great that your 8 year old is tagging along. A 28 k trail run, just makes me tired thinking about it. I've had a hip resurface, number of knee scrapes which I can attribute to lots of long distant running in my 20- 40s. Man I'm paying for it now. I cycle but only for a little while, row on my machine and finally lifting some light weights that have been gathering dust for years.

ive always been addicted to excecise, food, something.its all or nothing in the past and finally my 'moderation' now is an hours xcecise most days and lots of sleep. I've never needed rest so much as since my meds, treatment and the rollercoaster that was last year.im lucky to be here and I will leave it at that. That's a medicated me I like that, so true as much as I hate the array of tablets I consume each night , the alternative is not pleasant.

Mallow when you are ready you can get back into it.short walks are great, walking laps at the pool, even swimming if you can. From the time I was really ill it took me 18 months to get back into excercise. Some days I do nothing. If I need to go to bed at 3 in the Arvo I do. Most nights I'm in bed by 8:30. I try and do whatever it takes to get through each day.

its great to touch base with so many genuine souls here.

cheers Len

[Kazzl]

Hiya Dottie - I'm sorry you're feeling bluey grey - wanna chat? We all know bluey grey. Here if you want hun.

Also, cyclamens are good small indoor plants. Very pretty and long lasting if you water them.

Love to you possum.

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Hiya Mallow. What you've described about acceptance and self-awareness was me six months ago. It's a process, and you will, or won't accept things in your own time. But you will, I hope, come to a point of understanding what's right for you. Take your time.

I feel like I was living in a delusional bubble and now I'm not. The realisation of it at 53 is irksome, and I still struggle with how could things have been different if I'd known - especially concerning the alcohol addiction. But, then again, things happen for a reason. I met my now hubby during recovery, and I wouldn't have that any other way.

I'll check out that article you mentioned, thanks for that.

Nice work with the veggie garden - I love homegrown tomatoes and lettuces. So much nicer than the supermarket types.

Take care mate and have a good weekend.

Cheers

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Morning Len - hope all is well for you today.

Interesting what you say about always being addicted to something. Yes, tis in our nature sadly, we are far more prone to addiction than most people apparently.

So yeah, me too, though not good things like exercise and food unfortuately. Booze and cigarettes for me. I sorted the booze situation over five years ago, but do you think I can get rid of the fags? Still trying, I have little successes, go a few weeks, then something happens and I'm back on them. Sigh. And they're so bloody expensive!

Maybe that will be this year's recovery project.

Right, I'm off to the still-weedy back yard, with destruction in mind.

Cheers mate, have a good weekend.

Kaz

[Guest_322]

Hi Kaz,

Thanks for the warm and supportive post. I'll keep the cyclamens in mind. Pot plants might be the next best thing to pets seeing as I can't have any at my place 😉

Random side note: I remember you mentioned something about reading books about bipolar to self educate. You've probably already read it as it's pretty famous but "An Unquiet Mind" came to, uh, mind. I stumbled upon it in a bookshop a while back and it looked interesting.

I mean, it's not everyday that you get to read about bipolar from a person who has seen it from both the perspective of someone who lives with it herself and as a clinical psychologist (or was she a psychiatrist?) You've probably either read it or heard of it before though...

Len, I really appreciate your kindness. Good on you for your new things-in-moderation approach! I guess moderation means different things to different people but you've found what seems to work for you- 1 hour exercise and heaps of shut eye- and that's the important part.

Take care.

Dottie x