This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[white knight]

Hi all.

Just wanted to drop by to congratulate Kaz in reaching 200 posts for this valuable thread.

🙂

Tony WK

[Kazzl]

Hi Tony - wow! I hadn't even noticed. Thanks mate, and happy new year to you. What are you up to?

Happy new year to all our bipolar buddies and friends on this thread. Hope you have splendid time tonight and dance your way into 2017 (even if just in your mind).

Love to you all

Kaz

xxx

[Kazzl]

So, as we clear away the scraps of the year, I thought I'd leave the (possibly) last word to my hero Carrie Fisher. And yes, I'm gutted. Couldn't believe it.

Here are two quotes from her that I love - I hope the second doesn't offend anyone. I laughed my head off.

“One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking

“I thought I would inaugurate a Bipolar Pride Day. You know, with floats and parades and stuff! On the floats we would get the depressives, and they wouldn’t even have to leave their beds - we’d just roll their beds out of their houses, and they could continue staring off miserably into space. And then for the manics, we’d have the manic marching band, with manics laughing and talking and shopping and f___ing and making bad judgment calls.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking

RIP Carrie - and medals and parades for us all!

Love

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Just popping in to say a quick Happy New Year all!!!!!

this has been one weird, terrible but wonderful year...

hope everyone has a safe and happy night...

bring on 2017.... please....

[Kazzl]

Hiya Mallow - I'm with you there!

Happy new year to you and yours my friend.

Kaz

xx

[white knight]

Thanks Kaz I as usual spent a quiet night with my wife and her friend here in the countryside.

I thought long and hard about my bipolar 2017 year ahead and a few resolutions have been put in place.

Im embarking on writing more poetry. Something I shelved some time ago.

Ill listen to the pan flute on YouTube more often and the great Leonard Cohen. One of his songs 'sisters of mercy" I love and tower of song and I'm your man. He was s great poet. I'm in awe of him.

I want to be more tolerant to my beautiful wife. She puts up with my moods that never disappear fully with those stabilisers.

I want to value every breath I take. Listening to YouTube Maharaji- sunset and "the perfect instrument" helps a lot there. I bang on a lot about his teachings but they have formed a large part in my recovery.

All the best for 2017

[MallowPuff]

Morning Len, Dottie, Kaz and Tony,

2017 is in full swing now, back at work, kids still off school, but starting to get back into routine. A few things I'm trying to focus on to help me is sleep, routine and my eating habits 🙂 but there is plenty of healing/fixing to be done....

I guess now that I've settled down a bit and the medication seems to mostly be doing the trick, what do people do to support their wellness? Do you just read a lot and try to find out what works for you? My Psychiatrist seems to want to see me many months apart and is more focussed on making sure my mood stabilisers are at the right dose. But there are so many other things to consider/change/review!!

This is me in the "I'm new here, wtf do I do now? How do I manage this thing? Bipolar seems to be different for everyone, how do I work out what triggers, issues, symptom, thoughts, feelings, etc that I need to work on to keep myself well?

psychologists? Group Therapies? Chat forums? Yoga? Excercise? Mindfullness? Stress management? Specific books to read? More medication? Less medication? Sleep? fix a mixed up body clock? Diet? Routine? Couples counselling?

i guess, what now?

I have experience taking on board one/two chronic illnesses already (psoriasis and bad psoriatic arthritis), so what's another one 😞 humpf.....

[Airies]

Hello Mallow Puff,Dottie, Kaz and Tony,

hard to believe it's 2017. No New Years resolutions for me just grateful I made it through the most challenging year of my life.

ive had deep and meaningful with my wife regarding getting off my meds. She reminded me that the reason why I'm well and stable at the moment is due to the right meds, counselling and ongoing theraphy. I would have to stay in the psych hospital to monitor my condition a and deep down I know I'm not ready. Anyway will see what my psych says. She's the expert and will be guided by her. Keeping busy gardening , excercising , I need those endorphins.The other day i rowed on my rower for 90 minutes , went for a long long walk with my pooch and had a walk with my wife in the morning. I over did it, struggled to sleep and it's taken me days to recover.Buying stuff on EBay, hardware shop. Not a week goes by when I'm not indulging in some retail therapy for myself. Not having the high highs or low lows at the moment but impulsive as.Survived Xmas and New year. Accepting my condition a bit more these days and my lot in life. It was a bummer last year. One of the positives was the wealth of support here. RIP Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. Tragic to say the least.

hope you are having a good one folks

cheers Len

[Kazzl]

Hiya Mallow. What now? Well, I'm not that much further down the track than you are - but I can tell you what I've learned so far.

I think the key thing is acceptance, and that took me a while to get to. Acceptance of the past as well as the present. Once I was diagnosed and started learning about bipolar, I went back over so much in my life and resented that I hadn't known. But I've reached a point where I'm reconciled with it and try not to ruminate. I think that just comes with time. Keep looking forward.

Next I think is self-awareness. Really noticing how you're feeling and whether something has influenced that. Get to know your triggers and ways to avoid or manage them.

I found learning as much as I can helpful, but that's me. Others I know just want to be guided by their doc and 'go with the flow'. But I'm still reading everything I can lay my hands on - I'm determined to manage and live with this myself (with my doctor and drugs of course).

One thing I have noticed though is that a lot of the reading is 'clinicalised' - ie it focuses on what happens in episodes. It describes episodes lasting from days to months, then there being months or years between episodes. And that's to be expected for clinicians who have to treat the more extreme symptoms that present in episodes.

But a lot of it doesn't focus on the dailyness of living with bipolar. For example, the fact that our heads can feel 'out of kilter' day to day without there being a full-on episode happening. The daily battle with fatigue, memory problems, difficulty making decisions, mild depression, or mild hypomanic symptoms like impulse buying or being easily distracted. I've found 'lived experience' blogs helpful. (Google Natasha Tracey).

So, I think one of the most useful things I've done is to accept that it is a daily situation. In doing that, I've given myself permission to 'go with it' rather than fight. If I have to cancel something I do. If I need to sleep I sleep. That's easy at the moment when I'm not working and when I am I'll need to change strategies and make the most of my home time for self-care.

I think you're doing all the right stuff Mallow. Just be self-aware now you're back at work that you might need to approach things diffently - avoid conflict and stress as much as you can, rest as much as you can, but otherwise just live your life. Be kind to yourself - bipolar 2 is a manageable chronic illness, no more, no less in my view.

Very best wishes mate

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Hiya Len, good to hear from you mate. Wow, you must getting fit! Good on you. I need to get me some of that fitness thing ... but I still struggle a lot with fatigue. And I am lazy, I know that. It's not just a bipolar thing.

Now, about these medications ... what's the reason you'd like to get off them? Are you having side effects? Or just hate being medicated? Either way I understand, it's crap feeling like we're chemically controlled. However, my view (and it is just mine for me) is that I'm chemically controlled either way. Without drugs, my brain chemistry is pretty stuffed and does bad things to me. With drugs, it's much better. Simples. That's the rational argument. But I still get the other argument (be free my wayward mind) lodging itself in my thoughts from time to time.

How's your garden going? I am very pleased to report that my front yard of rocks, pebbles, weeds and spiky things has been transformed into a very pretty cottage garden in the making. I've kept Bunnings and local nurseries in business recently and now we just need to turf in autumn and we're done. Love it. My happy place.

Glad to hear the acceptance is growing (take a look at what I posted to Mallow, it might be useful to you too).

Best wishes to you mate, hope to talk soon.

Kaz