This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Kazzl]

How are my bipolar buddies?

Mallow I hope you haven't melted into mush-mallow in the heat. How's things?

Len are you OK mate?

And other buddies and friends - hiya!

I'm mostly good at the moment, though I had a lost day today. Not depressed, not even flat, but no energy, fuzzy head and lots of CBA (can't be arsed). I have these days now and then - don't know if I'm just lazy or if the medications zap me out sometimes.

Do you have days like this when there's nothing wrong but nothing really right either?

Hugs guys

Kaz

[SourceShield]

Big Hugs Kaz!

I find that CBA sneaks up on me, when I least expect it.

I'm having a complete CBA moment, right now, TBH.

I've just scoffed 1/2 litre of Candy Cane Ice cream.

...and, I'm still scoffing!.

CBA <- I like it!

MuchLove

Kaitoa

[Kazzl]

Ooohhh, I like ice cream! Never had candy cane kind though ... must seek it out. I had a creme caramel tonight. After a sanger for dinner because I CBA cooking. Glad I'm not the only one Kaitoa. And it doesn't cause any harm eh? See, maybe I'm improving. There was a time I'd have been very hard on myself after a day doing nothing.

Actually, I did do something! I read more of a book I'm wading through - Change your thinking, by Dr Sarah Edelman. Very good and readable CBT textbook - looong though.

Cheers gorgeous

Kaz

[SourceShield]

Dear Kaz,

I completely agree.

I used to 'punish' myself in some way, for doing 'nothing' too.

What I've come to remember is that these 'disorders' etc, that we have lived with, for however long we have lived with them...some of us, all our life...they take a lot out of us.

Somedays, I'm so whacked out and flat.

I wish, I wish, I wish...I wasn't like that, because I'm also very ambitious, but I've had to come to accept that this 'healing process', looks different on all of us, and that process needs whatever 'time' and 'space' that it needs to do it's thing!.

Somedays, I feel like I can barely move.

Other days, I'm off like a rocket.

There is light and goodness in both sides, right?

But, these diagnosis's, and 'disorders', and 'labels', can be so exhausting some days.

Holistically exhausting.

I totally relate to CBA.

It's just about making your life, work for you, in the best possible way.

With whatever cards you've been dealt.

Make the most of that hand.

We've all done so well with what we've been dealt!.

This is why it's wise to have our 'practise' in place, whatever that is for you.

Seeing a psych or therapist once a week, practising mindfulness every other day, eating well (without being obsessive), having loving connections with family and friends and community etc...this can all be part of one's practise, after all the CBA is done.

I've come to recognise that I have to have some form of routine in my life.

It's really good for me, otherwise, I just get too distracted too easily.

I have studies to finish.

I have books to write.

I have a man to marry!.

But, one must remember that whatever it is that we have lived with, the 'disorders' etc, also need some our our time as well.

That's why including "doing nothing", and CBA is a great addition to one's practise!.

So thanks for that, Kaz!

Instead of Nikes "Do It!" ad, ours will be - "Do Nothing" brought to you by CBA!.

I'll look up that book, sounds good!.

MuchLove

Kaitoa

[MsPurple]

HI everyone
I myself do not have bipolar, but my mum and brother both do. Actually I have quiet a strong family history of bipolar on my mums side. Her sister has it, my grandmother and maybe even before that. Both my aunty and grandmother suffered from alcoholism, my aunty recovered, my grandmother didn't.

I am here because I was wondering what hypomania is? I have read up on it, but I am having trouble understanding the difference between hypomania and mania. I know mania is more up, but I am still struggling to get it (maybe an example may help). I am always worried I will develop bipolar, or whether it is something you always have. Maybe its like a switch. I have GAD and I remember having it as a child but I assume it is possible to get signs and symptoms of bipolar later in life. I worry that my pressure of speach and fast thoughts could be a hypomania or if it could be anxiety? I was told I had ADHD when I was a kid, but again that could have been anxiety misdiagnosed. Its hard to tell, but all I know is I did not respond well to ADHD medication as a kid and I turned into a zombie so never would consider taking that again. I feel my moods go up and down and sometimes I feel excited over silly things, but I don't know if this is normal or not. I wouldn't say I am ever completely manic (I've seen manic in my mum) and I'm probably over exaggerating my moods a lot. I also have terrible PMS (yes diagnosed by a dr) so I do notice it does correspond with that a little. I don't know. I am just worrying for the sake of worrying I guess. Stupid anxiety does this to me sometimes. I feel anxious about my family history sometimes and think I'm doomed.

Hope everyone is well.

[Kazzl]

Hi MsPurple, welcome!

Even though hypomania and mania are often used interchangeably, in clinical terms, from what I understand, there is a real difference. Mania is most commonly a symptom of bipolar disorder type 1, the more severe condition, and is differentiated from hypo and bipolar 2, by the pressence of delusions, losing touch with reality and hallucinations - psychotic states. At this stage people often need hospitalisation. People with bipolar 1 experience the symptoms of hypomania too, which can escalate into mania and psychosis.

Hypomania can manifest in some or all of these - highly elevated mood, very high energy and activity, increased risk taking, a tendency to addiction, racing mind, periods of sleeplessness, unrealistic ideas or plans, difficulty concentrating or focussing, overspending, also talking very fast and incessantly.

In some people too it can take the form of explosive anger, fixating on someone or something that has upset you, rage and tears that are disproportionate to the event that set them off.

A lot of people know when they're getting hypo, they can feel it building. Your mind becomes kind of fractured and you can't concentrate. It gets busy, racing with impulses to 'play' or talk incessantly. That's a good hypo. For me at least, a bad hypo can come on suddenly, sparked by anger.

According to the Black Dog Institute there is a 10 percent chance that a child of a bipolar parent will also have bipolar. So there's a 90 percent chance you won't. That said, it is genetic and does seem to run in families.

Can it develop later in life? Yes. At least it is not uncommon for it to be diagnosed later in life, often after years of being treated for something else, most commonly depression. (After all, we are more likely to go to the doctor when we're depressed than when we're feeling unusually up). And it's common for it to be masked by things like addictions (in my case alcoholism).

Recent theories also suggest that people who have a genetic predisposition might go through life quite normally until it is 'triggered' by a highly stressful event. And a series of stressful events can 'develop' it.

The good news hun is that despite your history, there's every chance you won't develop it. But if you do, it is very treatable with appropriate medication, and good self-care. Talking therapy with a psych that understands bipolar also helps you develop strategies to cope with episodes.

Hope that helps

Cheers

Kaz

[Airies]

Hello Kazz,

supposed to be Summer and I've the heater on and it's raining and ever so windy out there. I do so hate the wind. Hope it's better in your neck of the woods. I'm having a bit of CBA myself. Couple of very early nights and a bit of self medication. Taking the break I need I guess. I try and ride my bike at least twice a week or walk the dog or do something physical most days. Still not eating red meat, potatoes and bread which is starting to reflect on the scales.One more week of Dbt then it's the Xmas break. I've managed to attend all 12 weekly sessions and my one on ones so that's a big tick for me.

Kazz that sounds like interesting reading I must admit I struggle with the stuff I get with my course but I continue to learn and it's helping. How are those new shoes going.?Doing anymore retail theraphy? I've a harmonica on the bench gathering dust lol. One day I will get back into it. Gees I hope this weather warms up and we have some consistent warm to hot days. Nothing to drastic . I'd be happy for run of endless mid twenties and no wind, sheer bliss with the sun on your back as you potter around.

Kazz it's good to see you being kind to yourself after a day of doing very little. I too used to beat myself after such a day. I'm learning to be kind to myself, finding the middle ground and not going to the extremes. I still have my days, sometimes a run of them when I've been slammed but thankfully not as often. I hope you are having a good one my friend,

hugs Len

[MallowPuff]

Morning all.....

still about and certainly not melting down here in Melbourne with some left over weird spring. Certainly not summer here yet!

lovely to see you cheery Kaz, and for a regular high achiever, always busy, CBA can be both a great relief and a torture at the same time! Think of the white rabbit, always flustered and needing to be somewhere/doing something.

But I have some of my own progress.... and in many good ways. Has been a couple of weeks on mood stabilisers, and it has been so different. I am now semi productive at work, I am not a scared little puppy inside, with a big strong (draining) mask out front. The hamster and I have made friends, and I am able to read books again, or at least a few pages before distraction hits 🙂

My family have commented that I have been happy 🙂 heck I thought as a hypo I was happy, but more scared, nervous, weird happy I think.

Ms purple, as a newly diagnosed and medicated Bipolar Bunny, with no family history, expect for past medicated depression, hypermania in me is racing thoughts, little sleep (ie 4 hours a night), running 60+ kms a week, roller coaster emotions,racing mind (I thought that was just normal me) off/on irritability, being over exuberant at social events (ie embarrassing, no alcohol required), and the little spoken about hypersexuality...

one theory on me is medical induced issues, as I've been on all sorts of nasty meds since 25 for a chronic condition, including nasty stuff used in chemo.

I am still not totally convinced of my diagnosis lol, still coming back to that river in Africa, but the medication has been magic.

Also although DSM IV and V are quite specific on point of diagnosis,from my reading it really does seem to be a broad spectrum, which manifests itself differently in everyone. For me, much of my teen years look to be a mild, productive hypermania. It's just when it goes past a threshold and becomes an issue, and for me, I guess one I lost control of (I thought I was in full control! )

But welcome to the chat Purple...

Len, dust off that harmonica for Christmas 🙂 I've got a couple of guitars I need to dust off and get back to learning guitar... truthfully, I have 6 guitars and two amps... but can only play a few chords poorly... one of my phases a couple of years ago 🙂 (see analysing everything now!)

happy Friday all

[Kazzl]

Oohhh goody! My fellas are back! Hiya Len and Mallow, and Kaitoa of course - you are always welcome here my friend.

It's helpful to know that CBA is a common thing haha. And I agree with Kaitoa that with all we've been through and go through, no wonder we sometimes CBA. In fact, I think we should take an executive decision that doing nothing occasionally is a valid form of therapy. Hey, there's an idea for a book!

Len it sounds like you're doing good stuff for yourself mate. Sorry to hear the sun's a bit elusive. We've finally got proper sunshine and heat here and, like you, I love the feel of it on my skin. My war on weeds continues but I'm finally winning. Hubby's been building a path, walls and garden beds so soon I will get to do what he calls 'proper lady gardening' and plant. Can't wait!

Mallow I'm so glad to hear the drugs are working for you. Isn't it a relief when they kick in! Take care though, it's easy when you start feeling so much better and normal to think there's nothing really wrong and decide you don't need them. Aparently a lot of us do that ... and end up suicidal or in hospital or such. (I did that with antidepressants once ... very bad idea.)

So, between us we have one harmonica, nine guitars (I have three, with one amp) and two ukuleles, and I sing. We need a drummer and a bass player. Kaitoa, I know you sing too, do you play? MsPurple?

Guess we need a song or two as well .... suggestions?

I'll ponder this while I pull out more weeds. Great to see you guys. Take care and enjoy yourselves.

Kaz

xxxx

[Kazzl]

Kaitoa, just read your post again. I think you're spot on. Living with a disorder is exhausting, and people who don't live with a disorder don't understand that. And even we forget sometimes.

I have jokingly said I could sleep for Australia, and I know I'm extremely fortunate that I can sleep, I only have trouble if the head hamster is full tilt, or if I'm really distressed.

My doctor always tells me to not sleep too much, especially during the day, but I find it healing, especially if I'm depressed. It feels like it gives my mind time to work on stuff without me having to get involved. And anyways, it's nice. An upside of being unemployed. 😄

Cheers

Kaz

xxx