This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Good morning all - so I pop on to see how Mallow's appointment went and here you all are! Goodness! (In every sense.) Thank you so much Kaitoa, Corny, Wishful, Mallow and Len - what a fine bunch you are. I feel like I've been encircled by kindness. Thank you.

Kaitoa - thanks for the reminder of ethicaljobs.com, a very good site. I'll check it today. Big cuddle for Bundy (and you).

Corny hun - I'm a bit biased about the disclosure thing at the moment. I could just be being paranoid, but I don't think I'll be totally open from now on (I would have thought it wouldn't be a problem for a mental health peer support position ... sigh).

Wishful my lovely - I intend to find a reason to wear every one of my new shoes! (I do love how you all seem to understand the shoe thing. 😄)

I'm still a bit wobbly but trying to focus on weeding - in my mind every weed I pull out is a nasty, cruel or stupid person that the world could do without. And the really big ones are Donald Trump.

How's your garden going Len? Is it hot down your way - we've suddenly skipped spring and gone into low 30s. After so much rain, the weeds love it.

Mallow mate, it sounds like things are progressing as they should. I remember being at your stage, starting to up the dosage and being impatient and thinking it wasn't working properly. Then, suddenly it was. And don't kick yourself about trying to go drug-free. I admire you for testing it - now you have a baseline so to speak that you can compare against. I'd love to go drug-free but like you I need to earn a living and stay married.

One thing I can tell you is that once you get the dosage right and settled in, you will feel immensely better. It's not a cure of course - I'm still up and down but it's very different going up and down from a regular position of stability than just freewheeling.

Hope the psych appointment goes well today mate.

Love to all

Kaz

xxxxx

[SourceShield]

Hi Kaz,

Youre very welcome.

Glad to be of assistance...anytime!

Take all the time you need with the 'weeding'...get 'em all out!

MuchLove&Support

[MallowPuff]

Morning all,

Hoping that the weed pulling is going well Kaz 🙂 thinking of you! And hello all others and the rest of the web 🙂

What a difference a day or two makes. Yesterday I felt a kind of control and calm I haven't felt in a long while.... or can't remember when. Everything (ie my mind) has slowed down. The hamster on the wheel in my head has reduced to a nice stroll, and isn't going 100 miles an hour!

So I then went to the psychologist, and she was thrilled. So much so, that after asking me a bunch of questions, and finding a very different response, probably both in physical appearance/behaviour and the content of my verbal response, that she recommended not to make a follow up appointment! She pushed me to follow-through on some relationship counselling with my wife, and that she was happy I was heading towards stable, and needed to now move on to repairing my marriage. She also explained that the last few weeks was more about keeping an eye on me, trying to decide whether to hospitalise me, rather than actually treat me as such. So it was a little sad/confusing after I left.... she said that she was there if I needed anything, but I feel a little cut loose... going from being annoyed at all the doctor visits and how much it all cost, and time it takes... today I'm feeling a little alone.

I have a psychiatrist appt in 3 weeks, so is that who I am primarily working with? Is that who now helps me to not just give me my medication, but help adjust my life/skills/etc to cope/manage/love with bipolar? I've read articles on mood diaries, mindfulness, understanding triggers, managing stress, etc... what do I need to do?

Where's the roadmap, what's next....

confused but medicated Mallow.....

[Kazzl]

Hiya Mallow - how are you today mate?

I understand why you might feel a bit adrift after your psych appointment. At least you know she's ethical and not just after fees.

As for what's next, I think that will become apparent. Just live day to day, take notice of how you're feeling and especially notice what triggers you. I kept a mood diary for a few weeks - nothing extensive, just 'up', 'steady', 'down', 'really down' etc - so I could track patterns. When I started on medication I was pretty much on a weekly cycle and by the time I stopped the mood diary I was steady most of the time.

I think managing stress is really important. Maybe try and build some times into your day to consciously relax and be calm. I haven't really got the hang of mindfulness - I only seem to remember I should practice it when my head hamster is full tilt and I have absolutely no chance haha. I used to find just closing my door, and closing my eyes for a short time helpful during the day. Listening to calming music helps me too.

I guess one way at look at this stage Mallow is that you're not on your own - you have your doc, family and us - but you are now at a point where you need to manage things yourself and try to make them work for you.

Once we're stable we all have different things we need to focus on (anger for me, perhaps relationship things for you). But we can, and we do. I am so glad to hear things have slowed for you and you're feeling more in control. It's nice when that happens. 😄

Cheers mate.

Kaz

[SourceShield]

***Sorry, dont mean to interrupt but - Head Hamster - that just made me laugh!***

Thanks for that, Kaz!

MuchLove&Laughter

[Kazzl]

We have to give MallowPuff credit for that one Kaitoa - it's a beauty eh? Absolutely perfect description of a racing, hypomanic mind.

So Mallow my mate, you have contributed to the nomenclature of bipolar. Well done. 😄 And I intend to borrow it as if it were your pen.

xx

[SourceShield]

...hide your pens...

The FETH-Meister is about!

[Kazzl]

hehehe ... so many pens, so few hands for them to FETH into. Sigh.

[Cornstarch]

Kaz,

Your plight with the job really peeved me.

Both of my siblings lived in Canberra for over a decade and the younger one in particular still knows a lot of people down there. One mate that comes to mind is very successful in the not for profit sector and I will ask her if she has any full sick connex to any community based alcohol rehabilitation services or the like, where you're lovely self could shine with all of your direct lived experience and intelligence.

I don't know what the employment situation is like down there at the moment, and if it is as appalling as other non-major city centres, but it will not hurt me to ask the question.

So I will do just that and ask!

[Kazzl]

Oh Corny, you are a sweetheart! Thank you, that's very kind, and I'll never say no to a lead of course! Alcohol rehab is definitely an area I'd like to work in, and addiction treatment and recovery will be included in the studies I'll do next year.

Cheers possum, and big hugs.

xx