This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Hey Kazzl,

Hope the dip is short lived..... took your lead last night... crappy day... stopped by DFO, Nike had 40% off everything 🙂 tried on 5 pairs of new runners, went to buy two, settled on the Fluor green ones 🙂 happy days... took them for a run this morning,.,, I now have 15 pairs at home to choose from 🙂 watch out Imelda...

Other than that.... I think my head is going to explode...

[Kazzl]

Hi Mallow - I like your style with the runners. Fluro green is excellent. 😄

Just wanted to let you folks know I'm going AWOL for a while. Need to lick some wounds. The job offer has been withdrawn and I'm gobsmacked.

It was a peer support position with a large NSW-based not-for-profit. They offered it to me about two weeks ago. Then, apparently it had to be processed by their HR people and they decided my degree isn't relevant and I have no experience. Well, that was clear in my application, and at interview, and when it was offered. And qualifications weren't required. No idea why they let it go this far. I suspect their HR didn't like the b word.

Still, if this is their level of professionalism, I'd rather know how they operate now than after committing to them. One off the list.

See you later guys. Take care, and enjoy the runners Mallow.

Kaz

xx

[SourceShield]

Hey Kaz,

That is disappointing - I get it too.

Thats happened once before and it did actually feel like a 'loss', that I had to go through a grieving process, to get it all out my system.

The fact of the matter is...its their loss, but I know that may seem far from what you think at the moment.

I just want you to know, that I think that you are an absolute blessing here on these forums - I love your quirky sense of humour, and careful, thoughtful words that you have sent me, on my posts.

Bless you big time sister.

Big squishy hugs from me and the wolf!

We are here for you...and trust me, I do get it, so take all the time you need to process this!

MuchMuchMuchMuchLove

Kaitoa&Bundy

[Kazzl]

OK, right, well, that made me cry and smile at the same time. 😊

Thanks Kaitoa (and Bundy) - means more than I can say. Big squishy hugs to you too lovely fella and doggie.

xx

[MallowPuff]

Awww No!

As SourceSheild said above, their loss, and certainly you've got the right logic in that if they stuff you around at this point, it's good to know before you jump into the role and possibly jump into a poor workplace/experience.

But I know logic doesn't stop how it feels (been working off pure logic, suppressing feelings since forever).

Lick your wounds gently 🙂 look after yourself. I always look at the stories of big successful people that get knocked back, often, and go onto something so much bigger (like it feeds their will/desire/determination). Like Jack Ma, now worth $28billion, and taking on Amazon and Ebay. Took 4 years to get his equivilent of HSC/VCE, and then couldn't get a job... from Wikipedia..

"After graduation, Ma applied for 30 different jobs and got rejected by all." I went for a job with the police; they said, 'you're no good,'" Mr. Ma told Rose. "I even went to KFC when it came to my city. Twenty-four people went for the job. Twenty-three were accepted. I was the only guy ...". In addition he applied 10 times for Harvard and got rejected"

As for me, I'm off to the Dr psych tomorrow to hopefully get some more serious meds. I need to sort myself out so I can help/support my family, stop being pig headed and selfish etc. Trying to find what was the 'usual' me... which seems to be lost in a fog of crapola... Have found my mood stabilisers quiet the mind a bit and allow me to focus, but not all the time (on a low dose), and sometimes they really make the angry/irritable 😞 So sometimes they make everything feel nearly normal, and others, like I'm going absolutely crazy...

Hope you don't go too far Kazzl.... I always look forward to your replies... considered feedback. I know we've only just met on here, but it's really nice to know you're there, and willing to chip in. Even though I feel I can only offer a glimpse of what's going on in my head on here, you're there... and that's awesome. It helps...

Go put those new shoes on, and go strut somewhere, own it... be the boss 🙂

[SourceShield]

MuchLove Kaz!

Also - on a more practical note...and I know youre going AWOL for a bit, but when youre ready - Have you checked out EthicalJobs.com?

As it sounds they list work in all sorts of fields, but especially those that deal with social change, peer-support etc etc etc...if you havent, and when youre ready to start looking again, this could be a site for you to subscribe to, and look for work that best suit your career needs and wants - just a thought.

You take good care of you now.

PeaceOut

[Cornstarch]

Oh Kaz that is SO disappointing.

It is a completely reasonable response to feel lousy and frustrated right now.

How dare they!

That really worries me too! i.e.: do I disclose or not disclose.

Employment is one area of life where there is still so much work to do with regards to mental health.

When the economy is sluggish they can afford to be picky and do ridiculous things like this. What a waste of money, why put you through it.

A similar thing happened to someone I used to know in the APS. Got offered the job, quit the crappy job, 2 weeks later got a call "there's been an employment freeze by the government, sorry there is no position after all!"

So unfair.

xxx

[MallowPuff]

Morning,

Back from the docs..Time to up the medication and try to try to rediscover the non hypomanic MallowPuff 🙂 the mood stabiliser I am on, at the dose I was on was a temporary anxiety treatment at best, but since I am tolerating this okay, we are getting all serious and upping the stakes.

Pdoc part proposed me to have a week or two off work and jump up the dose, but since I've pretty much used too much leave, we are going to step it up over the next month or so.... sort of kicking myself for trying to go it alone for a few weeks, but guess you gotta try yeh? I'm still standing 😉

Back to psychologist tomorrow, then off to the bank to re mortgage the house to pay for all this special attention 😂😂

[Wilma1]

So sorry Kaz, you deserve much better than this. They are by far the losers here, though it probably doesn't feel,like that to you yet. Thinking of you. Wishful. Hope you get some wear out of those new shoes!!!

[Airies]

Kazz,

what a bunch of tosses that mob were. Take care and thinking of you. Keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other and you can do it in any pair of shoes you choose,

mega hugs Len