This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Got a quote on an MRI, $310 to start, and if they get a little excited and need to add contrast, put on another $75 to that. The kicker, no medicare or private rebate...

So no funky big magnets for me!

I looked up all the medicare rebates, and there are only specific conditions upon which medicare rebates apply... But I'm not sure how they line those items up as such...

[Kazzl]

Hiya Mallow - yep, I'm learning too what an expensive business it is having a wonky brain. Between doctors, psychs, drugs and blood tests I reckon I'm keeping the economy going.

Hope you had a good day mate despite the lack of funky big magnets.

Cheers

Kaz

xx

[MallowPuff]

It's oh so quiet.... at least on this thread...

Busy weekend... sleep is still a problem. Too much stuff to do 🙂 but I got a sleep in over the weekend, have cut back on the running. But going to bed at 1am this morning, to be woken up by a work incident at 5am doesn't help..

But I'm feeling okay, weird and troubled, but okay. Or maybe even it's more that I feel I can manage the mild highs I have, or is that just normal me? I have a tenancy to overthink things, and I've always been full of energy at times. Spoke to my parents about it this weekend, and they sort of thought it was just me being me.

Theory is that after leaving a very stressful job last year (laying people off for 12 months, winding down my teams, running the place into the ground), going into a new job I've never really 'clicked' with and struggled with massive anxiety/confidence issues, a troubled friendship that fell apart, and then an infidelity, and now my wife having to deal with all that.... Who wouldn't feel all over the place? Isn't this just a regular mid-life crisis hey? maybe I just need to go buy that Harley Davidson (and if I did, would that just be a bipolar self-fulfilling prophecy, dang, can't go buy that bike with the money I don't have... will just have to be content with my new ipad mini lol).

Maybe it's all just in my head *chuckle*.... sigh, poor dad joke...

[Kazzl]

I say buy the Harley anyway Mallow 😀 Bipolar or not, we're all entitled to a mid life crisis. I bought a red convertible when I had mine (true - sadly my then husband pranged it).

You know, being diagnosed doesn't make you any different to what you've always been. It just gives you a context for troubling behavioural things and, in particular, otherwise inexplicable depression. But, I know, there's the label to contend with and all the associated stigma.

Seems to me your main focus now is to see how you get on without medication. Focus on that, don't tie yourself in knots over the diagnosis. I so hope it works for you and wish you every strength mate.

Cheers

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Mallow and Kazz,

It has been quite on this thread. Congrats on conquering 42.1 km Mallow , I've done 3 but my running days are long gone. I used to cycle but haven't cycled since August last year when I become unwell. January 1 2017 is when I plan to get back on the pushy. Been making radical diet choices lately in an effort to loose weight gained due to lack of excercising and side effects of the meds.

As Kazz states it's just a label. In the year since my diagnosis I've tried a couple of cocktail of meds, seen so many Psychs and now doing other theraphy in an concerted effort to get well if that's possible. It's a daily battle and I must admit it's getting easier.Lots of support here:)

cheers Len

[MallowPuff]

Hey Len, Kaz,

nice to hear from you Len, and I hope to catch up to you on the marathon count! one day... The weight issue is one of my fears, and I put a bit too much emphasis on it probably. But coming down from 115-120kg to 76 kg in 5 years, I'm not wanting to go back up!

But it's been a rough (long) weekend, and I think I need to reconsider the medication.... Haven't been back to my psychologist either in a few weeks, sort of been avoiding her. Mostly since she informed me she wanted me on mood stabilisers so she could actually get somewhere with me, and because I don't want to see her face when I told her I took myself off them... I think I can do this... (throw me some more motivational quotes and block of chocolates, we can do this!).. I've also been really good... staying away from the alcohol! but sleep... is still all over the shop...

My wife though is struggling a bit with me, and although supportive of my no-medication attempt to get through this, she's also petrified I'll go off the rails, either up (risky behavior) or down (there be dragons)... Although the down side was worse when I was on anti-depressants, and I'm well off them now 🙂

So we'll see what the next few days bring. Not long to the weekend...

[Kazzl]

Hiya Len - good to see you mate! How's things? I'd like to hear about these radical diet choices, especially if they work - I really have to Do Something about this weight gain.

Hi Mallow, hope you're OK today.

Cheers

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Friday... TGIF!

Booked in for a follow-up with my lovely psychologist next week. Sort of had to after counselling my wife to go and see someone for her challenges (mostly of my creation), and she aptly called out my hypocrisy 🙂 I've also stopped reading up on Bipolar for the moment, and am listening to a couple of counselling podcasts on infidelity, and I'm learning a whole lot more of how I've really really hurt someone I love 😞 so much I had no idea of what the impact was... but also some points to let me know what we are going through, and how we are handling (and so many of the good things we are doing!) is 'normal'. So overall it's hard work, but it's been great to be on the same page as my wife, helping me understand what is going on.. *heart sinks*

But I'm still powering through. But work has been super stressful this week, not helping.. other than fueling my anxiety (or is it hypomania, or just stress, or irritability, or, or, or )..

Speaking of! Kaz, and news/plans/hopes on the employment front? and what industry/role do you work in? or are you planning a change.... I'm trying to work out what's next for a possibly burnt out IT guy. Trying to work out if it is just the current job/company I'm in, or lingering pain from my last job. Or would I just re-engage with my CIO like aspirations are the right company, or do I need to see what skills I have to totally shift into a new area (really really really tempting!).

And Len, can you get back into running? have you seen The Oatmeal comics, my favourite. Look up 'the Blerch'. I've spent the last 18 months trying to outrun the Blerch. I thought the Blerch for me was my 115kg self, and my desire to eat everything. I think I've found a new Blerch, and it and I have just got far too close lately, and boy am I now feeding it rather than running away. We're spending some quality time together. You need to know the beast to properly look after it yes? 🙂

Happy Friday all. Tonight I strap some wheels to my feet and skate, some of the best therapy around. Near effortless, self propulsion, round and round in a rink, to (mostly) dance music... the rest of the world does not exist!

[Kazzl]

Hi Mallow - sorry it's taken a while to reply. I forgot to post that I'll be off the forum for a week or so while my daughter is visiting from overseas.

Hope you're going OK this week.

Cheers

Kaz

[Airies]

Hi Mallow and Kazz,

glad to hear things are on the improve. Enjoy the time with your daughter Kazz families are everything. Mallow I'd love to run again. Had a hip resurface op 3 years ago and years of long distant running on hard surfaces are to blame. Back in the days of running lots and running hard. Nowadays I think there is so much info out there and short sharp interval training is the go. If running long distances rocks your boat my friend do it while you can.

very soon I will be back on my road bike. Cleaned it and my cycling gear the other day. Haven't ridden since April last year and ever so glad that I didn't sell it when I was at my lowest.They were dark days and I wouldn't have trusted myself at all out there. It will be a big step when I do but excercise, any excercise, even a short walk releases all those beautiful endorphins. Have a good one folks,

cheers Len