This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Hi MallowPuff - I know what you're saying mate.

First, yes it is possible to be high functioning, hold down a high pressure job etc and be bipolar. I did and I know others who do.

LIke other mental illnesses, bipolar is on a spectrum. Some of us (especially bipolar 2) have a much milder version than others (especially bipolar 1). There is also a form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia which is milder still (in which your moods go up and down but you don't get the extreme highs or lows).

As for accepting things we 've done or believed or trouble we caused in the past, I don't have any real answers (I'm working on it with my psych). All I can say is that it's very hard to come to terms with, but somehow we have to aim for a point where we just look forward and try not to stay in the past (yeah, I'm not there yet).

DId you know that studies have shown bipolar people often have higher than average intelligence and are very creative? And do you know that in the majority of cases bipolar is genetic? Our brains just work differently.

I hope this is helpful Mallow. Here anytime if you want to keep talking.

Cheers

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Thanks Kazzl.....

yes, the spectrum was mentioned, and I'm not sure where I fit... or how, or what it really means....

but I guess we just keep going huh, keep working it out.....there just seems so much time in between appointments, coping, struggling, riding the waves 🙂

thanks for listening, replying back... and for other that also follow this thread...

I'm off to bed, and we will see what tomorrow brings, and what version of chocolate biscuit we find in the morning.

Night all.

[Kazzl]

Morning Mallow, hope you slept well.

Yes, we do just keep going - that's the best thing we can do. But we also need to take good care of ourselves. If you've been reading around you've probably seen this but thought I'd mention it anyway ... it's important that we maintain healthy habits that help keep us stable. Eat well, stay hydrated (especially important with mood stabilisers), keep the booze to a minimum, try to get a good sleep routine going, same times each day, and exercise.

I know how frustrating it is waiting between appointments and waiting for drugs to kick in. Where are you up to with drug treatment? Have you just started? It can take a while, and there might be some side effects (minimal in my case fortunately).

I found everything seemed to intensify for a while when I started on medication, but it did settle down in time.

Hope your day is a good one mate.

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Hi again all,

3 weeks into treatment, and appointment with psychiatrist next week to review. Side effects have been annoying. I dropped from 120kg in 2011, down to a sprightly 76kg last month.... in 3 weeks I've added 5kg 😞 bam! Half because I've been eating carbs and chocolate like an animal, but I expect based on reading up that the medication is a strong contributor to that. Scares me, as I don't want to be that big again..

i can feel the difference on the medication, in that it's put a ceiling on my highs, and when it's at full strength, approx 45 mins after taking a dose, I function pretty 'normally', and feel pretty level. But then it wears off, and particularly in the morning or if I miss a dose, I get back the racing thought, irritability, anxiety, can't sit still, and a bunch of other things (hyper sexuality is in there)... no where near as bad as a few weeks ago, but it's like the engine is running just above idle 🙂 getting the occasional rev.

routine is a challenge, sleep is a challenge, exercise not so 🙂 it's 2am, feeling great, just cleaned the kitchen, hung out the washing, took out the rubbish, cleaned the stove, and I'll be up at 6:30, and on a work call at 7:00am..

i am pretty crap in the morning though, just the getting out of bed part.... don't want to get up and face the day usually... but once im up and had brekky, full steam ahead!

[Kazzl]

Hiya Mallow, it's early days mate. I remember thinking the medication wasn't doing anything for me during the first month or so. It was, but as with you, as soon as it wore off I'd be back to the racing thoughts, aggitation etc. It has to build up to a therapeutic level over time. I also found each time the dose was increased I'd get side effects but they only lasted a couple of days then settled.

Hang in there mate, it's worth waiting for.

The weight gain is a real bugger. I know many bipolar people who have put on weight quickly, and I certainly have. The drugs make me hungry, not just 'oh I feel like a snack' but the actual physical pang of hunger. Not sure what to do about it. Like you I don't want to put weight on (I'm already a woman of substance haha). If you come across any tips, or know anything from being an athlete, I'd be grateful to hear it.

Hope you have a good day today Mallow. Be nice to yourself.

Cheers

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Evening, and an update!

Got through another week, and doing okayish. Some key stressors in life have started to settle, and I've decided I'd like to challenge my diagnosis, and even more so, the medication I've been put on. Too much reading on the nasty issues of scaling up the medication, let alone the challenges getting off it. And the weight, one of my biggest problems 😞

Reading more and started on a mood journal, as well as non medication alternatives to coping, particularly re the anxiety, racing thoughts, and being more conscious of my actions... And sleep, getting back into a regular sleep pattern!

I have a follow-up appointment with my Psychiatrist on Tuesday, shall be interesting. I've also deferred my next psychologist, feeling too much like a play toy for medical practitioners at the moment, and certainly the bank balance is in a very bad state.

Good news is my wife and I are in much better shape, and I've been able to tell her all my plans, and been quite open at what/where I want to go next. She seems mostly open, as long as we keep a close eye on things, and we keep talking. We have quite a few things to sort through, including some infidelity on my behalf. I've got to the point of mostly working out that the infidelity was some stupid poor coping decisions around my relationship at home (over a long period) and with life in general, and not something that fits into a bipolar behavior. Apart from the massive hole I've driven into my wife's heart/life/head, we've spent a lot of time discussing things we've parked and avoided for many years, on both sides.. and we've almost started afresh on quite a few fronts. Hard work, stressful, but we've made more progress in the past 3 weeks, than we have for 5+ years.

But it's the weekend, and I had a good run on Friday post marathon, which gave me a lift, knowing I could still happily run (have had a few friends do a marathon, and not run few months... scared me a bit, don't think I could cope without running lol).

Enjoy the weekend all.... MP!

[MallowPuff]

Morning psychiatrist appointment, she was really good, particularly when I informed her I didn't like my mood stabilisers, and stopped them last week with a view to manage things without medication, and the hope that the settling down of some recent stressors and getting off anti-depressants should give me more of an idea of what I can cope with...

I challenged the diagnosis too, was quite a good chat, she is still convinced.... I sort of used the hammer/everything is a nail argument 🙂

[Kazzl]

Hiya Mallow, good to know your stressors have settled. I hope it all goes well without medication - I'll be keen to know how it's going. Will you be drug-free then? I'd love that but don't think it's possible for me.

I've had a reminder that I'm still a bit fragile. I started yesterday morning feeling great, then my brand new computer carked it (operating system got stuck in a restart loop) and I lost it. Went into a shaking, crying rage that felt like it would rip me apart. I wanted to throw things and smash things (fortunately I didn't). When I came out of it I went down, flat as a tack and teary. I'm still really flat this morning.

I'd been going so well, thought I was over the anger of losing my job, but this has set me back. I know I just have to take it back to the shop, but I've got files on there I need and it seems an impossible task to do anything. I hate the world again, and I hate knowing I'm still fragile.

Kaz

[MallowPuff]

Ahh bugger..... I work in IT 🙂 IT Director..... have you turned it off and on again? (Hope you chuckled)...

re your laptop, do you have another computer and can download a bootable USB stick of any Linux OS and then you may be able to at least boot and copy off your files..If you're lucky enough to have a Mac, find someone else with a Mac, and download the El Capitan installer, put it on a USB stick and boot your mac off that, and you can see your whole Hard disk and use the mac (assume hard disk is okay).

But yeh, that really sucks...

Re me, im taking the approach that if I go on medication, I'm not expecting i will be coming off it any time soon, so let's try without it first... I had the medication close at hand though, one of the agreements with the doc. I had the same issue with my psoriasis/psoriatic arthritis. Went on some new medication, got better, took myself off it, and the arthritis all came back 😞 so now PBS sponsors me about $2000 per month... hooray taxes and PBS.

It was a little worrying that the doc wanted to check if I had private health insurance in case of hospitalisation required. I put it down to worst case planning, not a bad thing 🙂

I'm also off to get an MRI, as I challenged the late in life diagnosis and no family history. Let's go look at my brain!

How it's going though is hard to tell, I just feel weird, super attentive/aware/cautious, what is 'normal' me, what is hyper me? Am I just excited? Am I just normal confident me, or is that not normal.... argh... thought I got to a place in life that I had mostly worked myself out, and it's sort of gone of the rails a little.

As for you, I am grateful to have you and this forum to waffle in, and so thank-you 🙂 I hope the flatness doesn't hang around for long, pump up the music and open all the doors me windows at home and enjoy 🙂 or if it's raining, go for a walk in the rain, I love running in the rain... usually there is no one else out and about and the streets are all yours. and it's just so liberating. it's just water 🙂

But welcome back to the online world, hope the computer gets fixed soon! I'd normally offer to meet and help you, I love to help! But that's part of what got me into trouble, striking up emotionally charged friendships with women, because you are all so gorgeous and and caring, and huggable! So no direct contact, just the safety of a public forum (and the ability to have others contribute too)

Cheers

marathon Mallowpuff!

In for the long haul

[Kazzl]

Hey Mallow, what a lovely post! Thank you, that did lift my spirits. 😄

And yes I did chuckle at 'switch it off and on again'. I loved the IT Crowd, great show. Well, the great great news it, it seems to have fixed itself. I held the off switch down for about 5 minutes out of desperation and the start up screen came up and a thing that said the update was completed. What bloody update? I neither know nor care but whatever it was it took 24 hours! Anyways, it then started going through its start thingy and next thing I know it's working! And it still is!

So, I'm still jangled and washed out but very glad I didn't smash it when I wanted to.

I like your approach Mallow - and yes it is very hard to come off drugs once you've been on them a while. So it's definitely worthwhile finding out if you can get by without them, with help at hand if you can't.

I talked with my psych last time about the 'what's me and what's bipolar'. She helped me see it's all me, just different aspects of me or my mind. It's hard to stop thinking that way though. I don't want to be defined by my condition, yet I see clearly now how it affects me and has in the past. Hard to reconcile sometimes ...

Anyways, eyes front and onwards my friend. We can do this ... whatever this is. 😊

Cheers

Kaz (hug)