Struggling to go on

[Tess2]

Life is being really hard for me and troubles keep compounding. I cannot face wading through what is needed to move forward I feel isolated and alone. I have people who care but I think they can be overloaded with my despair and it can be a burden. There seem to be obstacles all along the way.

Two years ago I lost my job. A career of 50 years. I am 66 and have no partner. I have not coped well with this loss and now have significant financial problems too. I have to sell my home. Pay off my mortgage and buy a new place. I live with my son who is very caring but I have suppported him financially and emotionally through the family court. His ex is trying to remove him from his daughters life. I feel I have reached my retirement years with very little and no joy. Depression has been a big part of my life. But I have managed. Now I also have severe anxiety. It paralyses me. And panic attacks. I don’t know how to do each day.

[Tess2]

I am really struggling to start each new day and see no future for me. I would like to be more positive but it fails me at the moment

tess

[Guest8901]

Dear Tess,

Its been a week since you last checked in, and at that stage you were feeling pretty low. I apologise for not dropping by earlier, but I've been a bit 'out of commission' myself this past week and a half. But I am here now to say hello and to enquire as to how you are doing now.

I do understand that feeling where each day is a struggle, and we dont see a future ... least ways not a very bright one. But there is a future Tess, there is the promise of better things to come. We just have to ride out the bad times and expect that things definitely will get better.

So ... have you completed the move yet? Does everything you brought over with you seem to 'fit' the new house? Are you still opening removalist boxes? Ha ha, in my experience that can take months. And if that is the case, there seems a good argument that what is contained in those boxes may well be superfluous to our needs. I could be a good way to cull any excess?

I'm wondering if you have your car back yet? Did you have any success with Legal Aid? How is your son coping with everything now? Oh dear ... so many questions! Please only answer what you're comfortable in answering, and only when you're ready. I really just wanted to see how you are now, as you have been on my mind lately.

Its a beautiful day here today, winters sun shining, birds chirping, bees buzzing. I think the weather is meant to turn cold and windy tomorrow so I have been trying to make the most of the gorgeous weather today. Had a nice relaxing cuppa out on our sunny deck this morning. It was really nice. Do you have a nice sunny spot in your new home, where you can do similar? Is it starting to feel like home to you now?

Kindest regards to you Tess, and a big warm hug .. because I care.

Amanda

[Tess2]

Hi Mandy, and GRandy,

i just did a post that was nowhere near 2500 characters but it would not post and told me it was too long, but also said i had 403 characters left, this has really ticked me off so i will try again

[Tess2]

hello lovely Mandy,

i have not been here for several months but have been following you and Grandy and several other people.Life has been a real struggle I have been here 3 and a 1/2 months now and it is still not home. when I think about being home it is not here. i have had times of deep , deep depression and and some very high anxiety. I have changed AD meds. i see other people saying they don't think that they do much and i get that, but i just know that when i don't take them i feel a lot worse. But i am not able to put my finger on what it is they change.

I have a very supportive Gp who i have been going to for a very long time. she trusts me and what i say i need so we work well together. I am grateful for that.

I am struggling to adjust to the change in lifestyle. I have always had a comfortable life. As a child i grew up in a working class family, but my parents worked hard for my brother and i to have a really good education and everything we needed. my mother was very highly educated, but ,my father was a tradesman. I suffered no abuse like so many of you report. I had a rather suss uncle and a grandfather who liked me a bit too much, but nothing disturbing or damaging. i was a loved child.

As an adult i built a career, i didn't mean to it just happened and I was lucky. I did well and i married well. since I lost my job nearly 3 years ago my life has changed so my. adjusting to this is overwhelming. I just have the age pension for an income. In comparison to what some people deal with this sounds petty. But i have also had a lot of loss in my life.

I cant shake the sadness for all that i have lost and the feeling that the future is not worth living for.

Tess

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Tess.

I am pleased to see you back on the forums, but at the same time I’m deeply saddened that your struggling so hard...

Tess, I have been sitting here, writing to you then deleting it, several times now for over an hour, my words are not making sense when I try to join them in a sentence. ..but I would like to just sit here quietly with you tonight, if that’s okay....I’m sorry I’m not much help atm..but please know that I do care about you dear Tess...

Kind thoughts..love and hugs..💜🤗..

Grandy...

[Tess2]

Thanks Grandy,

your kind words mean a lot to me. I am feeling low tonight. I am sitting on my bed my doses are on theirs, I need to go and clean the kitchen as I hate getting up to it in the morning. My little granddaughter is here with my son, and they are playing together. Melancholy is how I am feeling. And missing lots of people who are long gone. I am struggling to express how I feel, so I will say goodnight. Take care.

[Guest8901]

Hi Tess,

Hey I am very sorry to hear that you are struggling with melancholy tonight. Its not a nice feeling at all. You sound like me in that I am unable to leave things until morning, when I know they need doing. Like cleaning up the kitchen. I've learned that I should just do it and get it over and done with, and then my mind can relax a little.

Thats lovely that you have a visit from your son and your granddaughter. Do they visit often? I have forgotten if they live nearby or a long way away.

Just getting back to you on your post here a week ago. It had been a while since you'd posted, but thats quite okay. This place is like that sometimes, people come and go according to needs at the time.

Its disappointing to hear that after almost 4 months, your new house still does not feel like home. Any adjustment is hard Tess, and you have had a number of pretty major adjustments to make.

I'm glad you find benefit in taking your ADs, even if unable to quite identify what specifically those benefits are. Knowing you feel a lot worse if you dont take them, is a very strong incentive to continue to take them. So while you are struggling with ongoing deep depression and persistent anxiety, I would strongly urge you to continue with them. I'm sure your very supportive GP would be of the same opinion. For now at least. Perhaps later, when you're more stable, this can be reviewed if your desire is to wean off the ADs eventually.

I'm really happy for you that you had a good and happy childhood, one filled with love and adequate means. A good education, a solid career, married well. I guess we tend to miss more deeply what we have always had. But the fact is, nobody is immune to anxiety and/or depression. It does not discriminate. You have had much sadness, some rotten luck ... and its resulted in a difficult transition to a new and different lifestyle. Not one you would have chosen or expected. Of course you are struggling with this ... most would. It isnt easy. Living on a single aged pension is not easy. People manage, but you cannot live comfortably on it. Any out of the ordinary or unexpected expense need to be weighed up, budgeted for, possibly something else forfeited. Its a different life for you now.

I'm sorry Tess, that this transition is so difficult. You have had major changes in your life, all coming in quick succession. Hang in there ... it will get easier, and you will learn to appreciate this new life you now lead.

Hugs,

Amanda

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely atess,

Awe sweety, I’m so sorry your feeling so low...

I know what you mean by cleaning the kitchen...I think that’s one of the most important things to clean before bed..Nothing like getting up in the morning to a nice clean sink...I have said that in my Daily routine thread...There are many times well,lots of times, when I’m low, that my washing up stays unwashed for a few days some times even a week, because I just don’t care and can’t make me care when I’m down......I was a very house proud person before this sickness found me and took over my life.. Tess sweetheart, it is okay if you don’t feel like washing up sometimes it really is..

How beautiful your little granddaughter is there with you...and you can enjoy watching/playing with her, that is absolutely gold....Beautiful memories can be made with you all...

Meloncholy, yes not a good feeling, but Tess, sweetheart your a very strong person, you have achieved so much...I know living on aged pension benefits from centre link is hard,,I am on Newstart,and it’s very low..and very hard to go fortnight to fortnight...This can take us down so quickly...opposite of my life before we moved out here.

Tess, Sweetheart, I have made a very close friend with “Betty” not her real name, here now for the past three years...She is a lovely lady, and we try to meet once a week for pot of tea. She has her great grandchildren visit once a month, they call me Aunty, They have adopted me as their Aunty, Betty’s whole family has made me feel apart of their family.....Im thinking, that if you could meet even one person and become close to them, then maybe I’m thinking that you might start to feel more comfortable living their. Betty has certainly made me more comfortable living here....I love her like a sister would love a sister...

I’m pleased you have a good Psych, and the meds work for you...Tess changing over to different meds will I think lower your mood, it did for me, but please continue to take them and let your mental health team know of your meloncholy...next time you visit them....

Im sitting with you beautiful friend, holding on to you....if you feel the need to talk I’m around most days...I am feeling very lonely today, some days are worse then others, so I’ll have to try some distraction or I’ll tumble down..My lawn needs a mow, maybe that will work..

Take care of you lovely lady, your important and matter to me a lot, be gentle on you...

Love and hugs 💜💜🤗🤗 Dear Tess...

Grandy..

[Tess2]

Hi, Mandy and Grandy,

thanks for not forgetting me and replying. While the last three years have been terrible for me, and especially this year. And these events have led to my anxiety. I have had depression since my early twenties. It first started when I was living in London and studying midwifery. It culminated with a suicide attempt, well two actually, but one that landed me in intensive care in the hospital where I was studying. I was fortunate to have a very good friend from whom I got lots of support. My tutors were also wonderful. But the psychiatrist who spoke to me in the ICU was not very pleasant. I remember it well once I was able he took me into a room , I was only in a hospital gown, I was 22, he must have been in his forties and well suited up. He proceeded to tell me how I had wasted the time of staff who should be caring for really sick people not girls like me. He said he could have me certified if he wanted to but agreed to discharge me to the care of my friend and support from a tutor. It was a rally hard time in my life and the depression lasted , I think , until I met my future husband some 6 or so years later. I am not by nature a sad person. I have had bouts of serious depression since then. And they seem to last at varying intensity for 3 to 5 years. My experience of psychiatrists since then has been quite different. I had a wonderful one for many years in my forties. He was so supportive, and I remember him saying “ Ann for a seriously depressed person , you have the best sense of humour including laughing at your depression.” I have quite a black sense of humour and being a nurse that seems to be part of the territory. Each time I sink into a major depression I think that it gets worse, but that may be time and distance from the other experiences. They were certainly triggered by much more traumatic events.

Coming to these forums helps me to see that depression and anxiety are no respecters of a persons educational background, wealth or lack of, relationships, career, or any other aspect af a persons character or place in the world.

the darkness that is my depression is overwhelming at times. And the anxiety on top of it I think is too much. But each day I wake up. I am trying to find the positives in the world and focus less on myself.

Tess

[Guest8901]

Hi Dear Tess,

I'd like to thank you for telling us more of your story, for trusting us with some more of your history. You have certainly been through some very tough times, and little wonder you continue to deal with depression and anxiety now.

It sounds like you've been through a mix of good and bad when it comes to MH professionals during that time. The good experiences gives us confidence that there is good quality caring help and support out there. But often its elusive and we need to keep looking for a best fit for us as individuals.

You explain that your depression is overwhelming at times and that the anxiety on top of it becomes too much. For me, its the other way around. I always have the anxiety, in varying degrees ranging from moderate to extreme. But its when the depression hits as well, that I find it so hard to cope on a daily basis. At least for me, the depression passes in time. Its usually event based (family drama's and illness, personal pain levels, etc) anyway, so when things settle down a little, then so too does the depression and the thoughts that go with it.

Good on you for looking for the positives which can still be found in the world. I agree that it does tend to reduce the focus on our own troubles. There are a number of threads in the Staying Well forums here which you might like to contribute to. They are related to focussing on the positives of life, things to be thankful for, etc. Nice threads to read and also something you might enjoy posting to as well. There is also a thread in the Staying Well section called "Laughter - the Best Medicine?". You mentioned you have a good sense of humour, and laughter is so very important to our personal wellbeing. I would love to read something from you on that thread, if you'd like to. I too can have a somewhat 'black' sense of humour at times, very definitely self-deprecating. The thread goes into all that sort of thing, which I find quite interesting. Anyway, if you're interested, take a look.

Thinking of you dear Tess.

Amanda