Struggling to go on

[Tess2]

Life is being really hard for me and troubles keep compounding. I cannot face wading through what is needed to move forward I feel isolated and alone. I have people who care but I think they can be overloaded with my despair and it can be a burden. There seem to be obstacles all along the way.

Two years ago I lost my job. A career of 50 years. I am 66 and have no partner. I have not coped well with this loss and now have significant financial problems too. I have to sell my home. Pay off my mortgage and buy a new place. I live with my son who is very caring but I have suppported him financially and emotionally through the family court. His ex is trying to remove him from his daughters life. I feel I have reached my retirement years with very little and no joy. Depression has been a big part of my life. But I have managed. Now I also have severe anxiety. It paralyses me. And panic attacks. I don’t know how to do each day.

[Ggrand]

Hello Tess,

listening to your last post really made me sad.

Please don't give up on trying to help yourself..Depression is something that imo cannot be fixed on your own..I know you have told us that councilling has not been beneficial to you in the past..Please I'm going to gently ask you to give them another try...Just make a long appointment with your gp, speak to him/her.. gp will give you a referral to councilling, the first 10 visits are free..Please you are so very much worth trying councilling again.. I tried for a few years to fix myself, I only went deeper. I was sceptical about councilling, but I tried and it's helped..

Please Tess, remember to us here on the forums you are important and we care a lot about you...

Tess keep talking here if you feel to, we are here to help you get through this latest phase your going through..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy

[PamelaR]

Hello Tess

You are sounding very very low at the moment. I've just come across your post, I haven't caught up on your thread, so please forgive me if you've already said things.

Thought it best to let you know I'm here for you. You're not alone. Life can suck. Being down is the absolute worst place to be, the best place to be is anywhere but there.

Do you mind if I reach out my hand to you. Will you let me take it in mine and can we just sit.

You don't have to talk if you don't want. Just so I know how I can support you though, it would be good if you were able to tell me whether there was anything that triggered your current thinking or feelings? No pressure to answer, just let me know your there by saying hi!

In the meantime, I read through your thread to get a better understand of what's happening in your life.

Sending you lots of loving and caring energy to pull you through.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Croix]

Dear Tess~

I hope you don't mind me popping in. I'm doing so having chanced on your last post, and then going back and reading your story.

You are not in an enviable situation, that's true. The worry over the house is natural. Your son'd battles with his ex too are a source of feeling helpless and maybe despair.

In passing I wonder if you are helpless there. I'd imagine your presence can be a comfort for him when facing custody battles, one can feel very alone. You have helped in the past. Those things are real deeds and say a bit about you.

As I said I read your thread but although you have talked of your GP, of counseling, of Lifeline and the rest you have not mentioned medications. I know perfectly well in my own case words by themselves were simply not enough to have a meaningful impact. At best they they had a temporary effect which faded, leading to a feeling on my part that such offerings were pretty meaningless.

I ended up on medications, the first few lots did not work, and in hospital. There things turned around. My actual physical circumstances (loss of career, financial worries and other things) had not changed, but to a small extent I had, and that made all the difference

I think it was partly isolation. Being away from the whole world in a new small universe of wards, hospital meals, other patients, nursing staff and all. Being on the umpteenth story above street level also lent an air of distance. The other part -probablyt he biggest factor- was a change in meds to ones that really did have a positive effect, something I'd thought was basically a myth to lend encouragement.

In there I re-found my enjoyment in reading. Not straightforward as concentration was very poor, but enough to start to provide an escape -one I've maintained to this day.

Now Tess I've talked a lot about myself in a post to you, the reason being to try to show that no matter how crowded in your mind is with depression, apathy, hopelessness and all those other horrible things there are possibilities.

I'm glad to be here, and feel accomplishment and enjoyment, things that I would never have thought possible.

Hang in there Tess, and please go back and try the medication path, if you have before then try again

Croix

[Tess2]

Hi thank you for your thoughts. What triggered all this was the loss of my career two and a half years ago, having no money now and being forced to sell my house in a depressed market. There are also family worries that i shoulder. I am terrified for my future and that of my son. I dont think i can claw my way back from this. I am nearly 67 and see no future. I am alone. A lot of it is my doing, making bad choices along the way.

I have been on antidepressants a long time but have stopped taking them. I dont think they help. I may go back to my gp to discuss. But until some of my current problems are resolved i am not sure what antidepressants will do.

Thank you.

[Tess2]

Please do drop in i need the support. I have been on medications, antidepressants for years, but have stopped them. Honestly i dont think they help that much. I have been putting off going back to my gp. She is very supportive but has heard it all. I feel stuck and lost. I am desperate to feel better . But life seems futile to me right now. But it keeps going on.

[smallwolf]

Tess2,

Bad choices. Possibly? But I like to think that you made the decisions using whatever information was available to you at the time. If we could look into the future and see what would happen, then ..... well, we can't. I would hope you might therefore go a little easy on yourself on whatever you think went wrong.

I think that you also know that you should see your GP again. You mentioned her twice in your last posts. She might have heard it before as you said, but that she is also supportive would seem to indicate that she does care about you.

You know I got a stack of homework from psychologist today... have to create a list of things to show her next time I see her. Each day I have to write down something that gives me pleasure, something for gratitude, and an accomplishment. Because of my triggers, I also have to write notes (emails) to wife and she has to reply with nice messages also. It is all to do with positive messages.

Just know this... you matter.

Smallwolf

[Croix]

Dear Tess~

Thanks for the greeting. No ADs or other meds will not improve your situation any more than it did mine. I found I was more able to deal with it. without going into too many details I was invalided out of my career with no possibility of going back and of course had the specter of financial matters looming over me.

Later on as it happened things did improve. However at the time of my partial recovery that was not the case. What changed was my ability to cope and see a glimmer of light. I was still most unhappy but my doubt in how inexorable things were had been shaken.

Those pills in the hospital were not my first venture into medications. Far from it, but they were the first ones that had a discernible positive effect.

People here agree that trying to distract oneself and do things that have at least in the past been enjoyable do help. With practice it really does work. So what in the past have you enjoyed reading? I used to like all sorts, now I have to have a happy ending, but read widely, everything from textbooks to romances with lots of SF.

Knitting would be for me like many things, something that occupies the hands whilst the brain is engaged elsewhere. Now it might be better to concentrate on what does engage the brain.

Croix

[Tess2]

Thank you. Yes i love to read and read quite widely, i dont read much popular fiction but prefer what is more literary i suppose. I need to go to a bookshop. As i am sure i dont have much that i have not read. You may be right about the knitting. And I find it hard to stay fixed on doing it. I find reading these responses helpful. I lost my career and it devastated me. It has shattered my sense of self and confidence. I have been very surprised by my lack of resilence.

[Croix]

Dear Tess~

Resilience is a funny thing. I'm sure you see a lot of your responses here as negative, discouraged or minimal. I see them as you coming back again and again, despite your feelings. My idea of resilience might be a surprise to you.

My local library has a web site that covers all the libraries in the state. There are many digital books to download direct to computer, tablet or smartphone. You keep them for the allowed period then they expire and someone else can read them. No cost. There are many others on-line, try Googleing 'Gutenberg' for a start.

Mind you getting out the house to the local second hand bookshop might be a good idea too:)

Croix

[smallwolf]

alternatively...

If you would prefer to listen to a story you can also find audio books on YouTube.