Dearest Pepper;
I'm so very relieved your panic has receded. It's par for the course though with healing a wounded heart, so know I understand it happens for a reason; that being, we don't truly know how we feel until we feel it.
Your quote said much about why we risk letting people in. You're not the only one to be triggered in our relationship. However, I'm well seasoned at identifying triggers and dealing with it in my own way.
Both you and SN are dear to me, more than I knew. You've both been moving forward and this scares me. It's a 'mother' thing; seeing my children leave the nest so to speak. My son's attitude towards me after leaving home changed dramatically. It hurt me terribly. I feel like I've lost him.
My comments about you being a child probably reflects this; it's more to do with me than you.
What matters most, is we're getting to know ourselves and recognising certain aspects of our past will enter 'the now' for evaluation; learning as we go how to accept they're opportunities for new ways of dealing with them.
I'd buried my maternal feelings for you a while ago when loss occurred, so when you panicked that feeling returned. I feel very close to you and quite protective, I probably always will. It just is. So now we both know eh? Mothers never stop being mothers, and adult children will sometimes need their mothers.
There's no reason to say 'sorry' so there's naught to forgive. You're getting closer to the cause of your sadness; it's bound to be uncomfortable.
I'm so very glad you've decided to return to therapy. There's much to discuss. As for your views on thunder, lightning and rain; to me, it's still a reflection of the 'quickening' - a phase where healing speeds up and life's thrown into disarray for a period, then cleansing can occur.
That's just my view though ok. It's not who you are, just what you're going thru.
Your post to me was beautiful and full of self insight. That makes me happy and so very, very proud. It takes fortitude to keep going, pushing on. '...chosen family' is really apt and is indicative of my feelings toward you as well. So now we know...
Khalil Gibran's book is from a time when I needed to know connection and love again. If you read it, you're knowing me thru his words. It might even resonate with you; who knows?
Take care beautiful child; you're in my thoughts;
Love you to infinity and beyond (copyright problems? lol)
Sez xoxox
