Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

dearest Jojo,

tried BB through the online chat. Feel even more stupid now.

Guess the advice is the same everywhere, distract or admit to the hospital. I can't do the later, I would doing anything but that.

I have been 'working' from home today, gotten some done, just nowhere near what I should've been able to do.

Jojo, any other ideas? Or you simply think this needs outside support?

Thanks so much Jojo

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry you didn’t find the BB online chat helpful. I am glad you are able to work from home as hopefully that is a bit of a distraction. However, I do still feel you could do with outside support at this time.

The only other suggestion is using the helplines such as crisis care or BB, although I know you find it difficult to do this. Please be brave and reach out as I am starting to worry about you.

Thoughts and prayers are with you dear friend xox

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,. Psychologist can't see me till Monday, at the same time as psychiatrist. So no help.

Sorry jojo

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

If that’s the situation with your psychologist and psychiatrist I would suggest you touch base with your GP in the meantime. That will hopefully get you through a really rough patch. Just talking to someone apart from your partner or family can often be helpful.

Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[smallwolf]

I have been on the sidelines for a little bit. Sorry.

I am just going to shoot some ideas/question to you based on sessions with my psych. Yes, that can be dangerous, however your last post reminded me of a few things.

distract of hospital... what is a distraction for you? Or are none working for you?

working from home... In my mind I had to do a certain amount of work a day otherwise I failed. You said you got some stuff done and not as much as you should have. Is this pressure you are putting on yourself? What happens to the items you don't complete today? Or the worst thing that would happen? These were the questions my psych asked me.

feeling more stupid ... what made you feel stupid? Was it a logical vs rational type argument? You know from your studies you are quite intelligent. I bet if you wrote a list of things you are good at, the list would be quite long. Perhaps it does not not include online chatting. I should be able to do this?

There are many things I should be able to do and if I am feeling low... all the wins I might have had don't count for anything until I acknowledge them. And if you will permit me, here are some positives from your post...

• you talked online with someone from BB and gave it a good shot.
• you were able to work from home
• you were able to complete some work items

I am sure that if you allow yourself to think through day there would have been other positives.

Peace and love to you,

Tim

[Saree_p]

Sorry to you both,

I apparently crashed and only really just gotten up and out of bed (in the afternoon).

To be completely honest Jojo and Tim, I am over it. I am over trying.

Tim, I am really still out of it and feel like crap but will try to answer.

• work, I have that much to do that I can not take the time, and am behind in everything. Jojo, that's why I worry about taking the time. It doesn't go away and I return to more and more work. Granted I haven't gone in today and will have to reschedule two big appointments.
• being stupid. It is a logical argument. I am not keeping up, instead, I am failing. I am not sure how much longer I will have a job for atm. Realised the other day I have not held a job for over 6months, think the longest has been 10 months. Why? because people start to see the cycles - atm they are way more noticeable than ever. Despite my parents telling me it was really bad between 14/15 - 21/22 which is when I left home and had no contact for 5 years. My current job is about the 5 month mark nearly 6, so go figure. I have tried to put up with the consequences of people seeing, but let's face the reality here. I am to stupid and fall into these moods, throwing everything away. My current job is quite high paying, and yet I am throwing it away even though it would start to set us up.
• hospital, Jojo is right, i probably need to be in hospital atm. But my bf is against it, reckons we can deal with it. I really don't want to go either. I hate being in hospital, and the diagnosis is argued with, yes they outsource me to community mh, but they just stuff us around - hence my bf reluctance to go. I know its' not just me who gets frustrated with them because he does too, they never hold up what they say they are going to and I am always supposed to jump when they say - despite the fact I have a job or whatever.

Sorry for the long winded response. I probably make no sense atm.

Lets just say my head is not my best friend and I am far from being ok, just have no idea what to do about it anymore, and over trying. I will either get through it or I won't. I do pray this is my last cycle. I wish I didn't have this illness, I resent it so much!

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad you caught up on some sleep. However, it sounds like you felt that this was a bad thing because you have so much work on your plate right now.

I feel sleep is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. However, crashing from exhaustion is not ideal and it would be better to aim for more regular sleep patterns.

Did you manage to see or call your GP for some support? I am glad you have an appointment coming up with your psychiatrist on Monday. Hopefully he will have some good advice for you.

You say you are through trying, but I disagree. You are so strong and somehow always seem to find the determination to keep going. So don’t give up now Saree you have come such a long way.

Thinking of you at this time xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🐉

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,
And sorry.

Ive hit the real depressive stage. Ive given up trying to fight it, just let it happen and try to pass out the other side.
My partner has locked up the problematic meds.

I again wasnt out of bed till this arvo. I then cleaned Tinsel up a bit, and have walked into town to meet my partner. We will go play some bowls.

Yes I want to give into the thoughts and feeling, but if can just get to Monday, maybe there is other options etc.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Don’t worry too much about getting up late. The main thing is you got up and got out of the house to play bowls which hopefully was a nice distraction. I am so glad you have Tinsel back as I know how much she means to you.

It’s not too long until your appointment now so just hang on a bit longer and try and keep busy over the weekend.

You never cease to amaze me how you pull through the darkest of times. Keep going, you can make it.

Thoughts are with you xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💝

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

Wish I could agree with you, but struggling to not feel like everything is a direct personal insult atm. After a nice morning with my bf, everything has just gone wrong and I have broken into tears several times. Tried to go have coffee at our normal place only to be lied to about them having coconut milk (the only type I can have on my stupid limited diet - not that that really matters atm, lucky to keep food down). I've been wanting a coconut latte for days now, got there (bowls cancelled due to weather) and got lied to that they haven't had it for ages, yet I had it last Sunday morning there. I nearly broke into tears right then and there, how stupid!

But seriously, since getting out of bed this morning, everything is just not working and everything takes so much effort. Accepting my offer for Uni wasn't working = email. My bowls haven't arrived = email (partner nagging a little there). My headphones one is not working and can't reset or do anything about. Then Tinsel has decided she won't go to the toilet outside. So grrr. I also got fluff over everything because I forgot to clean the washing machine out after bathroom mats left fluff everywhere. so yeah, I broke into tears.

atm, I just am about to cry for no real reason apart from everything sucks.

and now we have a BBQ tonight with my bf parents and guests. Of course, I now have to try and be my witty self, especially as the quests know I am very witty and keep my bf father on his toes.

Jojo, there is baskets of laundry everywhere. I can't be bothered. I need to change the bedsheets - thanks Tinsel!!! Stupidly it all just seems too much. I really just wanna curl back into bed and pull the donor up over my head.

On a positive, we went to a friends dinner last night for bday (yet again didn't keep food down) but my partner ended up holding a baby, revealed he has plans to propose and yeah. So I should be jumping for excitement but all I think is he is an idiot and is so much better off without me.

I don't know Jojo, I know hold out till Monday. Have to juggle two appointments in the morning - tie in driving to Psychiatrist and be back for training on new work procedures before my senior blows a gasket.

Surrender. I know one hour at a time, feels too much and so slow, but it's all I can do.

Sorry for the length, and hopefully I am not winging too much.

Thanks dear friend,

Saree