New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Suicidal urges are back and in as full a swing as ever. I thought I had slowed them down, with only nightmares and occasional thoughts, but I guess I was wrong. That is mainly the reason I wanted to drink a bit. However drinking is not cheap.

And finally loneliness is well... killing me slowly. Not seeing a friend in too long, apart from the Christmas message I have not gotten a reply when I tried saying hello. I have managed to talk to a few people (About 4 Americans), who I fear do not actually like talking to me. I just bother them with messages and they reply. If I do not message them, they do not message me, plus they are all overseas. And well in real life the loneliness is not fun. Honestly all I want nowadays is just some real human contact. I do not care about walking around my house, seeing things that make me remember how and in what ways I was sexually abused. I do not care about the constant desire to kill myself. I do not care about people not liking me. I do not even care that for the last few months I have been trying to get myself to cry and I cannot anymore, not even if I force myself to. I want just something even as simple as a hug. It makes me feel so empty inside, so cold inside. I have not been hugged since I last saw my friends in November 2016, not even by family. Am I just that bad of a person, just that horrible that I want something for myself like a hug. I cannot even tell anymore.

I am sorry, hell I do not even know if anyone will see this. I am sorry.

I hope you all have been going alright.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey again,

I do not like writing back so soon and after myself again. It feels strange. Anyway, just making a little update. I went to the doctors yesterday to get some work done on physical problems, and during the treatment I was asked if I had called the clinic about the referral. I informed her about everything and my inability to pay that much for more then 1 session. She was less then happy with me, asking me why I do not have health care, or a health care card. Why I cannot get on my parents health insurance, or get money off them. Which was not fun. It felt like I am bad because I do not have money, or because I do not want to get my family involved in this. Because I do not want a repeat of last time.

Anyway, she ended up finding a special medical referral service that bulk bills or something like that. I am not quite sure, it is just some way of getting help where I can afford to go more then 30 minutes. They called me yesterday, which I missed. I ended up calling back at about 4am once the people in my house were finally asleep. During it I do not think that they were happy with me really. I am not really sure what is happening. Apparently they are going to call me in around 4 hours or so (After 2pm) to get more information out of me. Which will be fun as I think I am at my fathers. I am not sure right now, as we would have normally left if we were. I have not slept yet either, so who knows what it will be like.

I am honestly scared about what is going to happen. They were informed about some of my suicidal thoughts over the phone when I called at 4am, I did not have the courage to mention the sexual abuse to the person who picked up. I do not really know what else to type, I am quite tired and cannot even force myself to sleep.

I hope you are all doing well.

Take care

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey again,

Have an appointment on Wednesday at 9:30am

It is quite a ways away, on another train line. So it will take about an hour and a half via train, or the same amount walking (~8 KM). Which is going to be fun to do in the morning. I do not have either a car or a license to get me there any other way.

I am quite scared to go, I do not really know what to do.

Anyway, just that small thing to say.

Hope people are going ok.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

How was your appointment last Wednesday?

I am glad to hear you are continuing to talk to your doctor and trying to get things better.

It is sad to hear you weren't able to get back to uni because it was something you wanted to do, but your health does come as a first priority and it sounds like you've been putting a lot of effort into that. Good work!

It can be really hard when you feel like you have to put effort into your recovery and things just don't work out. Very demoralising and I often asked myself, "what's the point?" as well.

And I know it's easy for me to say this, but in hindsight, you always look back and see just how everything lined up - one action after the other - to get your life back on track. You're doing all the right things at the moment to seek help.

What I'm really pleased and impressed with is how you also were able to tell your doctor about the issue with money etc. It can sometimes sound like a criticism when people have a disappointed tone, but it sounds like she's really trying to help you. If her tone does bother you, you can certainly tell her that. She may not mean to be mean, but if it comes across that way, it's worthwhile talking to her and she'll either be able to make some changes or she can reassure you that, perhaps, she's just disappointed with the situation and not you.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

Sorry about a long time since last post. This is going to be short and fragmented but yeah.

Things are different, do not know what is happening half the time.

Doctors are trying to help, do not know if it is working or what.

I am angry at a GP who decided to give myself a wedge resection. Cutting and removal of some of the toe nail. Without anesthetic so it hurt like hell. My normal GP and both nurses thought that was not a good thing. I would consider making a formal complaint, but cannot really do that.

I was put on meds a few weeks back. They have been interesting, do not know if they help or not.
They doubled them a few days ago, which makes things worse then before.

I was put on crisis support from my hospitals psych ward for 24 hours before they took me off it. (They had set up a 24 daily visit thing)

Trying to stay distracted and shit from everything right now.

Having trouble thinking properly a bit of the time.

Quite a bit of pain in the rear, but thinking that is due to my past.

uhhh... I am not sure what else to say.

Been trying to talk to some people, I do not think they enjoy talking to me...

No contact from Australians since christmas, which is disapointing.

I am sorry this is just basically dot points.

Hard to think right now

Take care

Hope all is well

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hi purploj,

It is a little hard for me to reply but it sounds like you're quite isolated except from doctors and the like.

I hope you can find the time and mental effort to get some interaction with people, even just down at the shops. I know I have said it before, but it's so important to talk to people in person. Not immediately useful, but when you do it day after day, week after week, month after month, you really see the benefits later.

But i understand it's very tough at the same time. i certainly hated talking to people until i made it a habit.

James