New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Sorry that this has taken a bit to type up. I have just been feeling more down then normal and not wanted to type. I just need to keep making myself type.

I'm sorry. I am bad at explaining things and it makes me seem like even more or a horrible person. Not all birthday wishes are meaningless. I do appreciate yours and it does mean stuff to me. You are one of two people who said anything. It is more of if I was going around asking for them, those that I got as a result of that would feel like they would not exist would me asking. I'm sorry, I am just still bad at explaining things.

Yes, I see how thinking this makes me sad. There is little that goes through my mind that does not have that effect.

I am honestly not sure what I feel anymore. Whether what I think I feel is what I truly feel or not. I disguise it so much I do not even know what is real myself anymore.

I do not know where safety is. I honestly understand less and less each day.

This last week I have stuffed up my sleeping pattern again. I now sleep in the middle of the day. I am trying to fix it and well have ended up going periods of 38 hours without sleep twice now. I do not know what made my sleep like this, it is quite annoying.

I messaged one of my Australian friends today. It has been 3 months since I have messaged them. I hope they they choose to reply to me. Who knows if they will, but I am not sure. They have chosen to not reply recently.

Christmas is close, so yay.... dealing with family... and 4 hours of car travel on christmas. Which will be fun for sure.

How have you been James? Any plans for christmas?

Sorry for how long it has been.

Take care

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

Being bad at explaining things doesn't make you seem like a horrible person to me or most people really, though perhaps it makes you feel like a bad person. Is that what you mean?

It sounds like you went away for Christmas. How was that? Did your friend get back to you eventually?

I've been on leave a bit and went to Canberra a few times to speak at a friend's wedding. That was fun. A lot of avoiding family, haha.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

Sorry that I have not replied in some time.

And that is probably what I mean.

Yeah, I traveled about 3 hours out for Christmas to visit my grandmother. It was alright I guess, very tiring. Then on boxing day I went to visit my fathers wife's family (Stepmother's), and that day was just full of people who I do not really know. I did not speak much during either of them, however when I tried to several times my brother just cut me off shutting down what I was saying. Which is never fun. It makes me feel like even if I was to speak nobody wants to hear it.

And yes, one of the two friends who I messaged actually replied. I have not really said anything else since then, but her replying just made me happy. I do hope that I can talk to her again, but who knows.

That sounds like a lot of fun over at Canberra. Glad that you had fun doing that. And some way to avoid family is always nice.

So far this year I have not been the best, a lot of passing out at strange times, and waking up at even stranger times. Currently it is 2am and I woke up about 2 and a half hours ago. So that is fun. And I need to get into contact to my uni about continuing, I just have been too nervous to get in contact with them at all. Because I am hopeless and will probably never pass this course.

I also need to go out and talk to a book store about a book I ordered 6 months ago, that never came in. It was a special order that I had to put $50 down onto, it would be quite disappointing to not get the book, but it has been a long while. I just cannot bring my self to call them or go into my local shopping center and talk in person.

My dreams are still there, just watching myself die over and over again. I am getting better at just blocking them out, I know they are there repeating but trying to ignore them. 

I also managed to go for a walk around my block once, I know it is not that bad once I get out, I can mostly internalise everything. I know it is not good to build up a load of fear internally, but still. Most of my problems are getting the strength to actually leave the house in the first place. There was something else I was going to type, but I cannot remember right now.

I hope you have been doing alright, and well, what have you been up to?

PurplOJ

[Doolhof]

Hi PurplOJ,

Sometimes I find I am overwhelmed easily when I have more than one thing to consider.

Would it help you to write down things that need to be achieved, if necessary write down how you can achieve them as well.

You do not have to tackle everything on the list in one day. When you do manage to achieve something, tick it off.

Your list might go :

- Phone the book shop (First write down what I want to say so I have it clear in my head. Tell myself I have every right to know what happened to my book order)

- Go for a walk ( what will be a good time to do this? I will put my shoes near the door to remind me. While walking I can remind myself of all the benefits of walking)

- Phone the Uni. ( write down what you need to say first if needed. Have pen and paper handy to write down any information given. Tell yourself that one day at a time you can manage your study)

Tick off what you have achieved and make another list if needed.

Hope that helps you a little! Cheers from Dools

[PurplOJ]

Hi Doolhof,

Sorry that I did not reply to this sooner, I have been in and out of the doctors a bit as of late. Which I have trouble doing, I have ended up in public toilets crying a few times this last week. However some things got too bad to ignore so fun....

Thank-you for the tips, the writing down what to say helped me to get in touch with the book store. Unfortunately the book is no longer in print (Thanks for not informing me 6 months after it) and I need to go in and pick up my deposit on the book.

I am also writing up an email for my university to do all of that stuff, so that has been a bit of work. To word it like I am wanting to continue, do not know how I should and trying to keep is as un-self deprecating as I can. Because that seems to like to slip in a bit, I think I am on my 4th draft of it, I hope I can finish it soon.

The weather has been fun as of late. Very stuffy and hot. The weekend is going to be 39 here again.

How is it going for you?

PurplOJ

[Doolhof]

Hi PurplOJ

Lovely to hear from you again. I have been house sitting for a week for a family member. As I have no "smart devices" I was very pleased with myself when I finally managed to hook up to a computer in a library. My first attempt had me failing miserably and retreating from the library in haste and in tears.

Took me 2 days to return to a different library to pluck up the courage to ask for help! I am very pleased I pushed through the hassles I had created for myself and was able to achieve and "conquer" the computer connecting hassle I had.

My Psychologist last week helped me to once again realise that goals and plans are very worthwhile as long as I make them achievable, a bit like I was explaining to you last post.

Sometimes I find it easy to write down ideas that could be helpful to others but have trouble doing those things myself.

I bought myself a notebook and have written down dot points of things I can do to help myself, like diet, exercise, write down issues and so on. Now I will expand on those points. For diet I could include : eat more fruit and vegetables, don't buy chocolate, biscuits and cakes, at Church have only one delicious scone for morning tea, at the Op shop take in fruit for morning tea and enjoy one biscuit.

Hopefully the Dr is able to help you feel better and has given you some ways to deal with your issues.

This weekend we are expecting the temp to reach over 40 degrees in our region.

Hope you are able to keep cool and find ways to work on feeling better within yourself.

Cheers for now from Dools

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

Good work on writing up what you'd say to the bookstore and to uni. All these things are great steps to try and feel better about yourself. Like you said with going outside, you can absolutely do it, it's just some things can feel really really hard. But the more practice you get with pushing through these internal barriers, the easier it gets.

Hey Mrs Dools,

I love what you've done with the notebook. I do a similar thing where I keep the goal simple at first, then progressively make it more challenging/specific. For me, I just started out wanting to have a garden so I bought a parsley plant. Then I started collecting more herbs, about 1 or 2 extra per week. Then I got into some flowers. And then I started drying my flowers and putting them in ornamental jars. Now I'm trying to make a section for just Australian plants!

All from just "maybe I can grow a parsley".

James

[PurplOJ]

Hi again,

Doolhoof, it is good to hear that you ended up finishing, getting a computer set up (I do not think that is grammatically correct). and yeah those are good ideas.

And thanks, the infection is gone, just a bit more treatment and then I do not have to go. It is wearing me out a lot to go there frequently, most days I feel sick and nearly vomit getting there. I usually end up in one of the toilets crying.

Yeah the heat is a killer.

How have you been?

Hey James, honestly I do not know if these make me feel better about myself. And these barriers go very deep.

Anyway, how are you?

So a few things have happened since I last posted. I have managed to get an email out to my uni asking stuff for what classes to do. So I am waiting on a reply to them.

While I was at my doctors I mentioned something about my social anxiety (Which is more then social anxiety, but still) I was then asked if I had been through behavioral therapy. She then told me me that I should not worry if nobody likes me and "Get over it". Which is great for me when I have suicidal thoughts every day, and constant dreams about my own death constantly.

And while my brother is not in Australia for a bit, I managed to have my door open while I slept for the first time in about 10+ years. I only managed to get about 30 minutes of sleep all night, but I still managed to do it.

And nothing else has really been happening, just trying to exist and pass time.

Well I hope that you are both doing alright

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

Oh gosh, I am sorry I did not reply earlier. I thought I had but I must've not clicked reply and I've been on a semi-hiatus.

I have been very busy the last couple of months since New Years. Good and bad, mostly good, some bad but nothing I haven't been able to work through.

I've been doing lots of gardening recently and I have probably about 30-40 plants now in my very small garden. Have you ever been interested in gardening at all?

Good work on trying to connect more with your doctor. I am sorry to hear that she replied in such a curt way, but it's also important to remember that she may not have meant it in that kind of way.

Are you back at uni now?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey James,

That is fine. I honestly never expect replies. So getting them is still nice.

It is good to hear that you have been doing more good then bad, and that the bad things are not too bad.

That is quite a lot of plants, what do you grow?
And I use to be interested in growing things as a child, I do not fully know about that nowadays. I did try to go some pumpkins a while back, but they were dug up by other family members, and I use to have a lavender bush that was also removed by my family (I managed to keep that for a month however, and it was my family who bought it for me anyway).

Yeah, I think I understand. However I am not sure about her. The appointment that I had 6 days ago to continue medical treatment on an infection. She grumped at me for not calling the psychiatrist who she referred. Which I should have done as it had been a while since I was refereed, however I have been too scared to (I have now, but I will get to that later). She proceeded to question why I had not done it, not accepting that I was not anxious and scared to. After which she continued to ask me why I do not talk to my family about these things, and have been lying to them about signing up for uni. Just asking 'why' all the time, and not understanding that I do not trust them, I do not talk to them about any issues I have. Which all caused me a load of anxiety and is making me not want to go back to get medical treatment, even if the infection will come back.

Anyway, I did manage to call the doctors that I was referred to about 14 hours before writing this. They wanted to charge $300 for my first visit and more on repeat visits. Which is money I do not have, so I had to cancel the referral anyway. Which is... fun... To even build up the courage to call, and then find out it is impossible.

I am not back at uni. I was too focused on trying to build up courage to call the doctors to do the uni. Which ended as it did. I do want to get back to uni, but my mind is also telling me "Why bother, there is no point" and other stuff. So who knows if I will.

I started drinking a bit, only low amounts of alcohol. I just wanted to not have to think for a bit of time. It was not long, but it was nice just to have a blank mind for a bit. And if I want to do it I have to do it now before I get put on ADs, because the chances of me not is very low by now. And apparently mixing alcohol and drugs is bad to do.