New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Yeah, I think that is it. And I just am scared of the ADs. I know I will need to take them, but that does not remove fear.

I think that would be a good idea. There is probably something like that in my local area that I can go to. Just have to get the courage to go out there. I will try on Tuesday. It is a 30 minute walk to get to the library, and nobody would be home to explain why I am going out.

I feel not ready to meet new people because I have a tendency to hurt others and am clingy to people (Well I have so few people to even talk to). People tell me that I do it a lot. And well I fear rejection right now. I fear in this state I will be too much for others and just get rejected. I do not want to people to hate me. I don't really think I could take it. I don't fully know.

Well the 22nd was a very polar day. One of the two friends that I invited came that day. It was good fun. The meal was nice, and we just walked and talked a bit. I loved being able to see my friend. It made me happy and meant a lot, and boosted my spirits. However the friend that could not make it. I would not have minded that much when I first got her messages saying she was not well and could not come. I was ok with that, and well I could be happy with that. It was after everything that it made me sad. She sent messages on skype as well that I did not check. In it she apologised and said that she was unable to come... and than she said sorry that she forgot today was happening. And well that is what hurt. I do not know what more to say about it. This is probably the first time that I wish she lied. Back when it was my birthday she forgot, and a few days later she come and say sorry for forgetting. Back than she never said happy birthday. And on the 22nd, a day that I organised and took so much courage to get right. For the first time in years I managed to ask people to come out for my birthday as it was not possible during exams. And that is what she forgot. I probably would not have minded that much if she just said that she was not feeling up to going out. Just the fact that she forgot hurts so much. Because I sit here and think to myself 'What do I actually mean to her? If she can forget something like that, does she really care?'. I just don't know. I just need to focus on the positive time.

I am sorry I started to complain a lot there, I hope everyone is doing alright.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ

What are you actually afraid of about them?

Ah man it sounds like such an effort for you to do things if you feel like you need to explain that to people at home. I've gotten used to just lying and telling them I'm going to get a frozen coke or something. It seems easier somehow.

Mhmm, I understand that fear of rejection, especially if you feel like (and I don't agree) people are bound to dislike you. Rejection will definitely happen, but not all the time. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but there was a period where I just isolated myself completely. The way I broke it was to just make really light conversation with strangers. Woolworths cashier, coffee order taker, barista, librarian, anyone who I had some sort of contact with, I'd just ask: how's your day going? And if the conversation ended at, "good thanks", well, that was okay. I'd just keep doing it over and over again with everyone. It feels kind of hollow and pointless, but over time you find yourself feeling more confident in just approaching strangers.

Hang on - was it your birthday on the 22nd?

It's hard to say with friendships. She probably has a lot of friends as well and that can be really hard for you, especially since you have a smaller group. Does that mean she doesn't care about you or doesn't like you? No. Some people just don't have close friends but just have lots of kind-of-friends who they care about, but don't want to spend all the time with and just can't because they know so many people. It's just a different friendship style and the only thing you can do is work out 1) whether you want to stay friends, and 2) if you do, what will be your coping strategy when they do forget things or are unable to make it to your get togethers. It's really tricky when you're stuck in the middle of depression, but I think it's a good exercise because it will also help you be more comfortable with your interpersonal relationships which seem to be really troubling you at the moment.

That's okay. I'm...okay. I guess I flip between going a bit crazy on emotions and feeling nothing. So right now is nothing time, haha. A bit directionless, but at least I'm not doing anything stupid yet. I've been staving off the bad feelings by making a budget, but it's a bit scary how little money I'm going to have.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey

I'm scared that it will change me. Who I am will no longer exists. There is already a child version of me dead. Died when I was 6. Everything I knew back than is gone. I don't want that to happen again. And I am scared I will lower my defences and say the wrong thing and loose everything I built up.

Yeah if I go out they ask so many questions because I don't. Where and who with are main ones.

That makes sense.

And no it was late October, back than she forgot and now she did too.

Maybe I don't fully know.

And atleast you are okay and not shit.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Change is a scary thing because we never know whether it's for good or bad. If we cling onto what we're comfortable with, then we're saying: it is better to stay like this, than test the waters. But it doesn't sound like you want to stay like this forever, which is in part why you're still here chatting. It does sound like you want something to change, but you don't know what or how. All those fears make so much sense, and in a way it's good that you're afraid. It means you still have that desire to keep afloat, when that's all it seems you can do.

I think it's worth finding the psychiatrist and talking to them about your fears about medication. They know perfectly well that they can prescribe it but that doesn't mean you'll take it, so it's in their interest as well to chat to you about your concerns.

What are you up to today?

James

[PurplOJ]

Yeah change is scary.

And I probably should do that.

I am just waiting for someone. they had to leave but I am waiting hoping they return. they know I am waiting. thats all I can do.

What about yourself?

PurplOJ

[james1]

I was just at work on Friday 😞 and back at work now.

I did lots of socialising on the weekend which was exhausting. My psych is trying to get me to talk to more people because my attachment style means I latch onto people, so by socialising with lots of people, it's not feasible for me to actually attach to everyone. So on Saturday i went to a chronic illness meet up group which was nice. People were predominantly a bit older, between 30-65, so I was the youngest one there. But it was nice just hearing people's stories. Then at night I went to a bar with a bunch of new people. There were 5 of us and it was pretty fun.

How've you been?

[PurplOJ]

Hey James,

That sure sounds like fun. Working is great...

The second part actually sounds really good. I am glad to hear that you are socialising.

I have been alright I guess. Just sitting around doing nothing. A game I have wanted comes out tomorrow so that will be fun. Apart from that just trying to talk to people like always. Getting through sometimes and not others.

I did get quite sad after reading some books. I did not know at the start but it went into stuff about characters who wanted to kill themselves and everything.

Anyway that is it really. I hope you are doing alright.

PurplOJ

[Doolhof]

Hi PurplOJ and James1,

Just been reading parts of this thread. "Change" and "Medication" can be huge issues in a person's life.

Change does not always come easily and sometimes it is thrust upon us regardless if we are ready or not. For me the idea is to be flexible in accepting change happens and I will either sink or swim, so I need to decide which way I want to go.

Floating for a while is also an option.

Medication for me is necessary. I don't do at all well with out it. The chemicals in my brain are so scrambled without that bit of assistance.

Over the years I have needed different medication for one reason or another. There are side effects to every drug we take. Some people react differently to others. For me, some anti depressants do alter the way I think and act a little, but that is certainly a much better option for me (and others!) than life without them.

I have found ways to adapt to the changes the medication makes to my thinking. We are always evolving as people. We can never be the same person we were yesterday, as that day has already been and gone.

Today I can decide how I am going to be, medication or not.

Cheers to you all, from Mrs. Dools

[PurplOJ]

Hey there Mrs. Dools,

I apologise for how late this message is, I seem to not be good at getting back to people on here. I do not know why that is. I am normally fast on other things, just here is where I am when sadness is looming closer. But none the less, I am sorry for not replying sooner.

I know, change is hard and well right now change is not something that I can handle.

I sort of understand what you are getting at. It is good that you have been able to do that, to decide on how you are going to be.

I am sorry, I do not really know what to say. Nothing comes to my mind. I am sorry. I want to have something to reply to your post, it was a meaningful post. I just have no clue what to respond with. I am sorry about that. I will just ask what have you been up to? for something.

Well I have just been distracting myself with games, that's is all I have done.

I hope you people are doing alright. Take care.

PurplOJ

[Doolhof]

Hi PurplOJ,

No need to apologise for not responding and not knowing what to write. I have the same issues at times. My mind forgets whom I am connecting with. I forget to answer emails and hand written letters as well.

So what kind of games do you like? I have just discovered card games on the computer, so I have been playing some of those. I don't know anything about the other games that are available out there.

I'm a bit old fashioned and like the board games. I even play some of those by myself. I told my husband the other day that when I play against myself, I am always going to win! Ha. Ha.

I've just had a lovely weekend, catching up with my sister one day and my nieces the next day plus some friends one evening as well.

Regarding change, at one therapy session I went to, the lady suggested that I try to hang my washing up differently to how I usually do it and see how I coped with that. It was all about accepting small changes. You might like to introduce some very small changes in your day and see how that goes.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools