Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt
I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.
No there isn't anyone around I can't get her to a vet till tomorrow and we are to far away for the vets to come to us and I don't even know if any of the vets are open in Bendigo tomorrow, I can't even move her she is in that much pain and of course like usual I have to try and keep together on the outside becuase mums just freaking out and dads dosent give a shit.
I don't know if I can ring anyone star I struggle to even ring my boss and everyone's home they will hear me and then of course I'll cop shit from everyone like usual. I don't even know what to say.
I'm sick of not having anyone here in real life anymore everyone has just forgotten me I know Sara hasn't but she was all I had left what am I supposed to do.
Sorry star I really really don't want to let you down and I feel like the biggest hipercrite ever but I really don't think I can ring anyone I want to I always want to but I never can I can't ring anyone I struggle to talk to anyone on the phone I don't know why but it has always given me panic attacks, if I do manage to ring them what do I say?
