My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[Paul_Me]

Hi Geoff

Thanks for your input . I think there are always choices in life for each situation .

We can’t just assume terminating a relationship and starting a new one will be always end up in the same situation ; I believe there are more people unhappy in this world , because they don’t have the courage of taking steps to change the situation , than happy because they did it .

Furthermore , you can always try again - it doesn’t have to be perfect and work always - bad things happen - just don’t get paralyzed in your comfort zone again . You are you best change to make yourself happy , no one else .

Cheers

Paul Me

[Paul_Me]

Hi Shell

Thanks for your comments ! I hope you can take steps to change your situation , just don’t blame yourself . Have you ever had “the talk” with him ?

It is difficult to tell what the problem is because I know little about your history , but if you are unhappy you need to address it , leave your comfort zone and fight for your happiness ! I know it is easier to say than do , but you have to start somehow .

I spent the last 10 years of my life depressed about it , just to realize I am not the one to be blamed for it .

When we enter in a relationship we expect so many things from the other half (INCLUSIVE SEX ) and taking this away without explanation is not fair .

It might be it is time to ask him if he feels pressure from you . Whatever the problem is , mental or physical , you should know . Living with this uncertainty is not good for your help and self steem - the way I see it , he is not allowing you to be part of the solution of his problems .

Take Care

Paul Me

[Dan049]

Hi Paul. I Am a 43 year old married man for the last 20years and was diagnosed with Anxiety & depression 13 years ago. Every night without fail I go to bed alone as my wife falls asleep on the couch. Early on I tried to wake her but that was met with anger so I now leave her there and go to bed. I would say that there would be only 2-3 occasions in the last 11 months that we have gone to bed together.

The last time this occurred in July. We have never had a “satisfying” sexual relationship as it is quite mundane and unfortunately I am now of the thought that this will continue forever.

We have very little in common and once the kids move out I have no idea what will happen as we will have nothing to talk about.

I am somewhat resigned to living this way as I cannot deal with confrontation. I know this is not the best way to deal with this but I think it is for my kids as they have no idea there is any issue.

I wish you all the best and hopefully these forums can assist.

cheers

Dan

[blondguy]

Hi Paul and Dan

Paul...I just wanted to say thankyou for your great attitude not to mention your excellent posts....If I may quote you..."start enjoying other things in your life !! The chances are that your other half will feel less pressure and will feel more comfortable aroundyou because there won’t be any pressure for sex" I havent been on this thread for a while and you are seriously a breath of fresh air Paul...Nice1 🙂

Hey Dan....Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the strength to post too! I understand where you are coming from as I used to have chronic anxiety in the 1980's which has morphed into depression (manageable) since the mid 1990's. Just for me the true joy of sex flew out the window when I was in the grip of this awful disorder/illness.

Confrontation is not on my menu either....It can make me feel ill...not to mention triggering any old symptoms

I am 57 and understand where you are coming from Dan. Just with my anxiety/depression I forgot all about 'Romance'....I may be clutching at straws but it did help me....The best help I had was from my GP and psychologist who helped me no end to diffuse my anxiety after many very frequent visits...

You are a great dad by placing your children first....I really hope you can stick around the forums Dan.

I hope your weekend is good to you

Paul

[Paul_Me]

Hi Blondguy and all !

I know a lot of you are wondering what was the outcome of Steven 1 relationship with your wife !

I am please to let you know It all ended well ,!!

Congratulations Steven 1 for being so brave and coming out !!

If you want to know more about Steven 1 journey please go to the forum sexuality and gender identity and look for the thread entitled:

“”Married with 2 kids but I am gay and living a lie “”posted on 11/05/2016

I think we can all learn from it and see how relationships can be complicated ; we were all this time trying to figure out what was the problem with Steven 1’ Wife and , in fact , no one guessed that it might be the uncertainty was coming from Steven 1 - not even him ( sorry Steven1 this was only my personal conclusion for all of it )

How relationships can be complex hey ??

Again Steven 1 , congratulations Lon being so brave and coming out and facing all your fears ! I am positive you will be much more happy now and you will leave you life at its fullest!

Thanks for sharing your story Dan and thanks for your comments Blondguy !!

I am thinking about having ‘the talk ‘ with my wife again , but it so frustrating discussing the same thing over and over again - She can’t admit she has a low sex drive and keeps blaiming me for not being a gentleman and not treating her in the way she thinks is the right way .

Sex for het became a reward for good behavior , and not a thing you desire . .. Frustrating ...

Cheers

[Andy1965]

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this Sophie. It helped me a lot on a day I really needed it. Thank you

[blondguy]

Hi Paul....Its Paul here saying thankyou for the super kind post too 🙂 Hey Andy1965 too!

I remember the frustration that you are going through. I am far from an expert (as there arent any) but have you been 'Romancing' your wife? I have neglected the 'R' word in my relationships and paid severely for it. Just from my own experience that is of course

Excellent last sentence in your post by the way....

My Best for you Paul

Paul

[Mr_Cool]

Wow, this does attract a lot of interest. I lost my login and have just come back. Steven 1, well I never saw that option.

ihave also read the Attol stuff, and it's very good. Just makes sense to me. I highly recommend it.

Reading through the posts I did have one question regarding physical reasons for not having sex vs need for intimacy and desire. There are other options other than regular sex, but they are not considered. Is that because it's too difficult to discuss, or just an excuse. Even the offers to go somewhere else for sex, just seem to miss the pout that it's offense about intimacy and there are lots of ways to have in in bed ???

[blondguy]

Hi MrCool

Good to see you again! As you mentioned there are many options besides regular sex but they still need consent too from a partner.

This thread topic is "My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I? "

Just trying to keep the original thread on topic MrCool, do you take it personally if your partner has no interest?

You are welcome to post on your own new thread if you wish to start your own topic MrCool. No worries at all

My Best

Paul

[readytocrack]

Hi Steven1

Married 35 +, had/have depression, etc, etc.

Physical love with my wife has been a battle from day 1. This was/is very hard as she is most beautiful with a nature to match. She is a fantastic mother and wife, so the frustration is much worse when I can't show my completeness for her, in a physical way.

I can emphasise with you regarding how the lack of physical love can make you feel inadequate. In my case this has been exaggerated due to the size of my penis. Whilst the has denied this is the reason and it is more than likely not,I have always blamed our lack of intimacy on the size of my member.

Over the years, this has played havoc with my brain, especially when I was depressed, a few years back.

Anyway apart from that, I have a theory based on many talks with women: Women fulfil their destiny throughout their lives with children and keep receiving fulfilment via grandchildren in their older years.

Men on the other hand, marry, then children come along and the tap is turned off by the wife.

We are hard wired for continual procreation of the species and this is denied in most marriages, which produces all sorts of complications.

This I believe is the reason for grumpy old men like myself. Not only has my reason for being been denied, but my station in life is also diminishing as I get older. No one listens as intently as to what i have to say. I'm losing ground to younger men, who are obviously more virulent than I, but I cannot challenge this situation, because the means by which I could, have been taken away from me. (no sex)

Love/marriage is like a wheel with different parts holding it together. If one of these parts are missing the wheel disintegrates.

Simple as that!

So, my advice would be this.

Things are not going to get better unless you become a women and can understand the cryptic clues that they give out under the cover of darkness, so put up with it or leave. Be careful though, the grass is never greener on the other side.