It's coming back

RunGirl · ‎14-09-2017

Hi....this is my first post. I've always fought the black dog. Recently I beat a plethora hurdles and bad situations.....near death experience, two months in hospital, 7 surgeries, prescription pill addiction, isolation living overseas, increasingly abusive relationship, PTSD. I RAN, I resettled in Aus, i got work, I found myself in love again...I was happy and energetic. But It's coming back. I read somewhere when you don't want to get out of bed, you know you're getting bad again. I have a beautiful new partner. I'm just so tired all the time. I've put on weight which he likes but I can't forget the words of disgust from my ex when I wasn't stick thin. I need some perspective and support guys

Croix · ‎14-09-2017

Dear RunGirl~

I'd like to make you feel helpful here - and confident of receiving help. After the whole raft of horrible experiences you have undergone I'm not at all surprised you ran. and I can see how you are worried when symptoms like wanting to stay in bed start up.

I guess with abusive relationships they leave a long shadow over later life. There are many here who are, or have been in that situation. So hearing that controlling criticizing voice is to be expected, and is hard to get rid of. In fact I'd imagine there are many things from that time that make even the best of current relationships difficult, seeing what is not really there, or being very sensituve to things.

With the current feelings, do you think there has been anything to set them off? I know that sometimes it can be just about impossible to point a finger at a clear cause. In my case it's sometimes a known trigger, and sometimes just life pressure.

I know you've said you have a beautiful partner. Can you talk about your past and current problems frankly? I've found over the years doing this has really helped, shifting a lot of the burden. (I've PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression). By resettling in Australia I'm guessing it would not be easy to talk to any family or old friends.

Do you mind if I ask if you are currently under any form of treatment? I've found both medical and personal support has to have been ongoing, at least for me. If not I'd strongly suggest seeing your GP in a long consultation and say what is happening.

Quite honestly with the things that have happened to you I'd be surprised if you were not like me and had times when the pendulum swung back and problems reemerged. Dealing with them takes support as I said plus practice (It's been a very long time for me and I have a range of lifestyle techniques plus other things to help me.)

One thing I've found is the structure, occupation and satisfactions of work have made a terrific difference, so I'm glad you were able to find employment - do you enjoy it?

I think you are going to find many here who have similar problems, have a browse around this Forum and see how people have coped.

I'd be really pleased if you talked more

Croix

BballJ · ‎14-09-2017

Hi RunGirl,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. What a story you have to tell and well done for sharing it and getting it out there, it is never easy so well done for that. These forums are great and full of many great and wonderful people who suffer from a variety of mental health concerns.

You have been through so much, with so many traumatic experiences in your life. I just wanted to point out you are still standing and fighting and that is such a massive positive and I hope you are proud of that. There is a quote I have about depression which I heard and use a lot on here - it says, being depressed doesn't mean you're just sad when things are going wrong, being depressed is being sad when thing's are going right. I think this applies to what you have written as you have moved and re'settled and found a new partner and still feel that dark cloud or black dog as you put it hanging around.... They always rear their ugly heads when you do not want them too.

Croix has given you some amazing advice above and I just wanted to echo something that was mentioned, if you were currently receiving any treatment for your mental health concerns. We all deserve to be happy and enjoying life so getting all the help you can is only a benefit to yourself.

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

geoff · ‎15-09-2017

hello RunGirl, please let me also welcome you to the forum, it's never easy to do this because you could feel as though you won't get the support you need and will only be criticised, that won't happen on this forum because all of us have been through our own type of MI and have subsequently suffered by it.
I'm so sorry that you have been through so much in your life, but appreciate what Croix and Jay have said back to you, this means they care for you, just as I do and want to help you through this.
We often have memories of past times that don't seem to go away and that's because we could never resolve them to the point that they are behind us, and you will make sure they never happen again, that's easier said than done, I know this and this means that you need to build up your strength and you can do this, but it has to be done slowly, if it's done too fast then you will miss important parts along the way.
You have a great partner now so that's your base, and when you feel yourself falling attach yourself to him, reassure the love between you both, and then you must take it to the second level and go back to your doctor and psych if you have been seeing one.
Your tiredness is generated by your PTSD, allow yourself to pull the blind down and block these thoughts, it is difficult but it can be down.
When I have memories from the past I can go with them and feel the pain, but not now, as soon as they begin I distract myself, I have to for my own sanity, I don't want to fall back down, I've had too many years down there and how much I hated them. Geoff.

RunGirl · ‎16-09-2017

To all the three who replied to me, thank you so much. It is so important to feel you are not alone. My ex husband is a narcissist and will not leave me alone...I am an empath and cannot leave him struggling. My current partner is so understanding but I know it it getting to him. I had septic shock and this makes me very weak even after a couple of years. My mortality percentage after 5 years is 74.2 percent and I have a lung and breast infection now. I juts want to live. I get daily messages up to 15 a day from my ex about how badly he is doing and how he thinks he has cancer although he has been screened and cleared. I can't cope with it and I don't have the emotional fortitude to cut him loose after ten years. I had an ultrasound today that cleared me of cancer. I love my new partner dearly, he was ny best friend for 16 years before I returned to Australia and now we are together. I want to be shot of this thing and I want the depression to go away. Thanks so much for the replies guys

RunGirl · ‎16-09-2017

I just want to thank the people who have replied here. I am currently looking for a good psychologist and have an appointment with one next week. Fingers crossed. Thank you guys.

RunGirl · ‎16-09-2017

Croix, i don't really enjoy my work that much but I was so very ill for two years that I couldn't work at all. I had septic shock and it really knocks you for six. This gave my ex-husband the chance to completely control me. I had a terrible accident and was very ill and im-mobile.. At least I am financially independent.I am searching for suitable psychological treatment here in Aus after ten years in Prague

Croix · ‎16-09-2017

Dear Rungirl`

Thanks for the replies, you certainly have had a lot to recover from, and the news from the ultra-sound is very cheering.

You sound as if, with one exception, you have things mapped out and are heading towards a much better time. Seeking psychological help, being in control of your finances and life by working (even if not the optimum), and having a loving relationship are all pure gold.

The fly in the ointment is of course your ex, his current treatment of you and those thoughts that recur from the past. He is pressing your buttons even now and controlling you, and I strongly suspect your current state, depression, lack of motivation and so on can be directly laid at his door.

I know you say you don't have the heart to cut him adrift. Apart from the whole deal affecting your partner it is driving you down. So you really need to insulate yourself from this constant millstone before you get worse. As someone with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression I'm well aware how fragile one's mental state can be.

What are you alternatives? Does he have other relations who you can contact to take over the calls? Can your own partner field them so you do not have to listen? What do you think?

Croix

RunGirl · ‎16-09-2017

My partner has volunteered to take control of the contact with my ex but he is angry and protective and I worry it will get nasty

Croix · ‎16-09-2017

Dear RunGirl~

Well I'd think that was a good beginning. I think any partner that loves you and did not want you to worry too much would make a very serious effort to rein in his temper. It's not really impossible to do. Get him to regard it as an exercise in trust. I'm sure he could be made to see that his even handling would be a support to you, the opposite would not.

As I mentioned I believe you do need urgently insulating from this massive ongoing trigger, and that solution is probably the most practical one that you could cope with without feeling excessively guilty.

Having a loving partner is something to be cherished.

Croix