Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

Quercus - no, expressing your very justifiable frustration at the psychiatrist hasn't put me off. I was reluctant before that! Doc tried to sell it to me as someone who could balance my meds, but I think we may hopefully be on the road there anyway. The other thing was diagnosis. In order to answer the question of mental illness vs depression, I need the psychiatrist's input. If my psychologist stays on board, then that may be enough to keep me going, but I guess I have the psychiatrist as back up if things start to fail again.

I noticed your new fox! Very cute. No, not ready to change picture yet - this one has me with one foot in the shadow and one foot in the morning light.....hedging my bets! I was going to change when I had spiralled out of reach, but just decided to reside in the shadow!

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

Speaking of pictures (I like the meaning of your current one by the way) have you seen SubduedBlues thread about the meaning of our names and pictures? I'm finding it interesting. I hope to see the day you can log on here and change your picture to something sunny and bright. That will be a great thing to see 😊

The whole process of dealing with a mental health issue seems to be trial and error and fumbling along in the dark unfortunately. It's a bit frightening when you're feeling so unwell. But we've all gone through it or are experiencing it so I guess you're in good company here.

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

So pleased to know of the progress you have made. I expect the psychologist has also learned some new things. I guess that's what happens when we become brave enough to tell it like it is. I think we underestimate the effect of self care on our various illnesses. We all know we feel better if we eat up our vegetables, but it is often the first thing we let slip when we get into a tizz.

My grandson has been living with me for a couple of years. When he is home for an evening meal I always make sure I cook a 'proper' meal. When this happens for several consecutive nights I start noticing how much better I feel. It should be obvious but I keep on eating the wrong stuff. Do as I say not as I do?

We all need a helping hand now and then, I know I have struggled for a few weeks. Like you I am grateful to everyone who has helped me, both here on BB at at home. Now if I can just get rid of my bodily pains life would look very different. Today the pain has moved from my shoulders and upper arms to my wrists and knees. Never a dull moment.

Mary

[CMF]

Hi TA,

Glad to see some positive movement happening.

You do absolutely matter.

cmf x

[Croix]

Dear Ashlee~

Thanks for coming back, I guess it is not an easy thing to do. Not having a lot of trust for people would make it harder. All I can say is we want to help if we can - no strings attached.

In some ways what you said reminded me of me when I was pretty down, not just the anger but especially the feeling detached from your peers, not feeling like you can love as much as other people.

This was me when my depression was right up there. Only felt more in control, more like I was capable of love, less angry when the depression was treated.

I've not had the experiences you have. Mine are around PTSD, anxiety and depression, so we do have some things in common.

Feeling anger because of the past, that's pretty common and very understandable, a mother that basically abandoned you and a dad that got a new partner and hit the bottle. Then left with all the responsibility when far too young.

Now you have partner and three special kids. A big load to bear. I'd think the very first thing you have to do is look after yourself - and do it properly.

I know you are not big on organization but getting your health plan working and being on the proper meds and therapy is the way to go. I would not be here talking to you if I had no therapy and meds in the past.

Can your partner look after the kids while you go to the doctor?

I know you said your partner is starting to find it hard to understand you. My wife did not understand to start with either, I had to take her to my doctor to have it all explained, then she got it. Up till then she was blaming herself for how I was.

You said recently you were feeling worse, not better. Do you think here is any particular reason for that? In my life it's a change of meds, something upsetting or reminding me heavily of the past. Do you have things like that which could have triggered you and made you worse?

You do sound on your own, is there anyone wants to help you - partner, friend, someone in the family?

When you can please post again, we'll be waiting for you.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I rather like your light/shadow view of your picture, a pretty good representation -I hope you have another where the light is more than 50%.

Now the reason I came here is twofold, first to thank you for mentioning my little joke elsewhere - I'm highly pleased it gave you a moment of relief and laughter, just what I'd hoped.

Secondly of course to thank you for your delightful tale on hygiene in that Italian restaurant. I suppose I shouldn't but I'd been feeling just a tad sorry for mice so it was nice to hear of one that had navigated life's pitfalls successfully:)

Forums/ Staying well/ Store Your Happy Memories Here:

​Now you did leave yourself open by saying ... with steam from the bath...but that's another story!

I'm hopeful we will hear more

Croix

[The_Abyss]

The cracks are already starting to appear....

I have had a good few days since seeing the psychologist last Tuesday, and had started to feel "normal" for the first time in a very long time. I was off work, I was doing normal things, and I was keeping my head above water. I even changed my picture (see "What's my name / avatar mean" in "Welcome" for details) to something with more light and positivity. For the last three or four hours though, I have started to battle.

I am back to work tomorrow after a week and a half off. I have an assignment due tomorrow night that I am trying to get my head around. I am overtired (a side effect of the ADs that continues to linger). I ended up cooking dinner while everyone else sat on the lounge and did nothing, and I was constantly getting up and down from my assignment to attend to it. My eldest - who is home for the weekend and was meant to go home this afternoon - decided to stay the night and then decided to start cleaning out the pantry and the dining room - while I was trying to do dinner. The noise level is unbelievable. My husband has now gone to work and I was looking forward to a quiet night to concentrate on my work. The neighbour's dog decided he prefers to live here and has been howling and setting off my dogs for the past 3 hours....his owner is in Sydney and will collect him when he returns....

Sorry about the rant. I know they are all minor things in the overall scheme of things, but my tolerance (which has been a battle for some time), is wearing thin. I appreciate the cleaning, and the company, but I just want some peace and quiet so I can get this work done!!!! And mentally prepare for tomorrow....

Now, back on track -

Croix - glad you enjoyed my mouse tale! It brings a smile to my face every time I think of his mischievous nature and the conspiracy I entered into with the waiter! A highlight of my trip! As for the smoke alarm story...you'll just have to wait!

Mary - I wonder if it's the effort of caring for someone else (and thus stopping us from focusing on our own troubles) as much as it is the improved diet that assists us to feel better. We do take better care of ourselves generally when we have an audience, so I guess it has a double benefit. It was also great that you were able to open your home to your grandson. My grandfather did the same for me and it was a much treasured time.

And CMF and Quercus, I've not forgotten you, just run out of space! Thank you for checking in on me!

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Wow, what a great picture and such a change. Your post sounds a little harried with all the noise around, the pressure to complete your assignment, your son's helping hand getting in your way, and no offer to help get the meal ready for everyone not to mention the dog. This is one night when you want to scream at everyone, so well done for keeping your cool.

I agree with you about focussing on someone else to remove the temptation to brood over our own problems. We may have a bigger and better brain than the rest of the animal world but we still cannot concentrate on more than one or two things at a time. The legend of multi-tasking, which women are usually so good at, comes from the ability to complete a series of small tasks in quick succession rather than juggling lots of jobs at the same time. I know I've cuddled a fretful baby and cooked tea at the same time but they were both jobs I knew how to do. Caring for someone else and thinking about our problems just does not work, so we opt for the caring and feel better for it.

As it is getting cooler I cooked a casserole for tea tonight. Not sure I would have done so if I had been on my own. Plus a 'proper' meal yesterday. No wonder I feel less tired.

So glad your psych session gave you some relief. It will continue to do this as you persevere. And of course that's the problem, persevering. Practice everything you have been taught in the good times so they become automatic reactions when you feel bad. I have also had a couple of better days and much less pain which is always a bonus. Full day tomorrow visiting someone in the morning and then my ladies group meet in the afternoon. It's great but I know I will be tired by the end.

It's good to rant now and then. I know about all the small things adding up. Had a horror run a week or so ago. As you say, nothing to lose sleep over so long as they happen one at a time. I think it simply shows how resourceful and brilliant we are.😊

Loved the steam bath story and glad it was steam not smoke.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear TA~

Well, thank you, I'm touched, I've never had a story dedicated to me. You do spread a healing balm around you know TA, your kindness and appreciation gave me a lift just when I needed it - by coincidence today. I met someone then saw a film, both of which did me no good at all as old associations came forth.

Your story itself was engrossing and I'm going to keep visiting it as time goes on.

It's a pity about pressure getting to you in the last few hours. I'd guess work plus assignment - after coping with the domestic matters. I think Mary has a very worthwhile post above, putting things better than I can tonight.

So I'll tell you that you will cope, and wish you a restful night

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I love your new picture! Agree though it would be nice if the old posts kept the old pics. Shows the progression of feelings better.

Reading your post I felt for you. It's exhausting when ADs mess with your sleep. My psychiatrist told me to try taking mine at the end of the day instead... Have they suggested this to you? It didn't work for me but is worth asking about. I'm with you feeling the lack of sleep. I find a routine helps a bit though.

Do you enjoy your work? And study? I just wondered if there are any changes you can make to reduce your stress? Could you (or would you want to) reduce your hours?

I'm thinking of you TA and hoping your return to work is alright and you manage to get some sleep.

Take care 😊