Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

My GP friend (different person to the GP I saw yesterday) dropped in tonight. We was justifiably worried about me and was deeply apologetic for not following up after I called him on Thursday night in distress. We spent an hour just chatting. It was deeply saddening and comforting at the same time. We talked about the possibility of hospital admission - he recommended a private hospital a couple of hours away. While I was initially accepting of the idea, I have since looked them up on the net and I don't want to go away for that long. I feel I just need a few days break, someone to look after me, to make me eat and shower and not do anything stupid. Doc friend asked me before I left to promise I wouldn't do anything in the meantime....I found myself unable to give him that reassurance. Instead I promised to call him first if I was heading down that track, but reassured him that for tonight at least my motivation for anything today was so low that I wouldn't be able to muster the energy for anything.

Croix - I was deeply saddened to read on another thread that you felt you couldn't post on the Fear thread. It is such a shame you feel you cannot be yourself anywhere except with the psych. We all see you as this strong, wise leader, there for all of us, forgetting at times that you battle your own demons. Thank you too for your honesty on your earlier post on this page. I too lost my self image (and so much more) when I left my last job (under duress), so I understand where you are coming from. It is a loss that taints everything I do, taints all my decisions, all my memories.

Yes, I guess I do see it as an all-or-nothing deal. And it was such a powerful image of "relief" that I saw I have not been able to drive it from my mind. It keeps reappearing, taunting me, welcoming me, lying to me. I know I need to fight it, to replace it with something else, but I feel powerless to do so.

Quercus - I like the idea of your staged plan. Very prescriptive, and sounds very easy to follow. My psychologist brought up the idea of a safety plan the other day, but apart from suggesting ideas to go on it, he didn't follow through with it.

I did go to the hospital ER the other night, but they were busy, and, knowing me (through professional avenues), pretty much left me to care for myself. It was the wrong attitude, the wrong environment for disclosure. So I provided a cover story and exited as soon as I could.

Out of space and energy. I'll continue tomorrow.

Thank you

[The_Abyss]

I'm doing a little better this morning (so far) - a shower and breakfast may even feature in my morning!!!

After the visit from GP friend last night (post in moderation), I had a good think about what he'd said and my options. He was going to phone psychiatrist today to try and get me in sooner in view of possible hospital admission, but I think I'll text him and let him know I've changed my mind. I think I'll try to go it alone with local support instead.

My husband skyped me from overseas last night (I had been avoiding his calls for a couple of days). He looked depressed and sounded miserable. He is due home on the weekend, and I don't know that I can cope with his melancholy on top of my own. Hopefully him getting home will be enough to settle him down. I know he has been missing me and our grandchild and that his holiday didn't go as planned. Sex is the last thing I feel like at the moment but suspect I'll have to utilise that cure-all for him as well!

CMF - thanks for dropping in. I'm glad dinner went well for you last night.

Quercus - I hope you are doing better today after chat with your hubby last night. Thank you too for dropping in when you were having your own battles.

Mary - Shaky Foundations Club - I like that! Thank you for including me in it. Thank you too for your wise insights - I appreciate the reassurance and logic.

Thank you too for sharing your story in your early post.

Well do you want recognition for dying needlessly? This is confronting, and something I had not thought of. I couldn't read that post the other day, but this morning am well enough to reflect on it. No, I actually hide from recognition. I try to stay hidden, out of the way, unnoticed. I would rather my disappearance attracted no attention at all, but that is a selfish thought and know I would damage a lot of people. It's not something one thinks of when in so desperate need.

Drama is a funny thing - I don't do it for the applause - I do it for the escape. I get to be someone else briefly, don a very acceptable mask, be social without being put under pressure to be something I am not (sounds funny I know). I have to concentrate so much on my character that I forget about real life briefly.

Thinking about why I do activities is something the psych suggested as well. I have different reasons for different things I guess.

I read elsewhere that you weren't doing so well. Are you OK? I am desperately sorry if I have contributed to that.

Out of space again.

TA

[The_Abyss]

Mary (continued) - Keeping busy is definitely a fault of mine. Too busy to think, constantly on the run, running from my demons, running from my thoughts and failures. After my father died for example, I threw myself back into work with so much vengeance that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. I guess I have always done that - stay busy rather than face reality. I suspect that is part of the reason I am falling apart so badly at the moment - I have been forced to slow down which has allowed the thoughts and memories to intrude. I do so much better when I am busy (busy rather than overwhelmed), constantly running away. Even my evenings after work are busy - I do (or did before I gave up everything!) something almost every evening. I generally love being home alone, but suspect I fill my evenings after work so 1) I am so tired I sleep when I drop into bed, and 2) so I can avoid spending the evening with my husband who has often been home alone and waiting for me all day. It can be overwhelming, and we don't have a whole lot to talk about any more. And he loves to have the TV blaring (which I hate). Maybe that is his escape so he doesn't need to deal with me either!

And Mary - Thank you.

Running Girl - Thanks for dropping in and catching up - I hope you didn't regret it too much!

I would likely do the same thing. I can well imagine walking past, in fact, changing my route so I could walk past, just to get that glimpse of possibility. We have a private hospital a couple of hours away that advertises on TV - it looks so relaxing, such an escape. To go somewhere and be looked after has a huge appeal right now.

Annie - thank you. How are you doing? It is wonderful that like Quercus, you have support from your husband. I guess there are a few things that stop me. We don't share anything deep or heavy or important. We often live in parallel, coming together and drifting apart. We went away together for a month last year and I was dreading it - what was I going to do for a month? What would we talk about? Would we hate each other by the end? In fact, I relaxed after a few days, and in the end, dreading coming back home to reality. It was a very active (hiking) holiday though, so we spent much of each day struggling together which perhaps didn't allow so much time for talking, but we did open up a little, just not about that! The other reason is he shares too much with his workmates! It's not something I want the whole world to know.

Out of space yet again!

[The_Abyss]

I'm sorry beingbyrne that your post got lost amongst my dramas. Thank you for sharing your struggle.

How are you doing today?

Wishing you sunshine and serenity.

TA

[The_Abyss]

PS - just got my marks back for the assignment I handed in a week or so back. I got a distinction, which normally I would be overjoyed with (especially with everything going on), but the "unrealistic expectations perfectionist" in me is disappointed it wasn't a HD. So screwed up.

[annie45]

Hi TA

Congratulations on the distinction! I understand the striving of perfection, can't stand failure bit. I 'm one of them too. My uni studies were 10-15 years ago and do you know what? I couldn't tell you what HD's or Distinctions I got. Back then it was so important but I soon found that when I went for job interviews the panel didn't care. The only person in the world that cared was me - and now 15 years later I couldn't care less. Yes it is a major priority for you now, a reason to continue to get up and do your studies, but it's also screwing with you. Celebrate a distinction. Celebrate that you are one step further to completion. Celebrating the small victories might bring you one step closer to climbing out of the abyss.

I'm sorry that you don't get the support you need from your husband. I too liked Quercus' suggestion of a safety plan. I hope you follow through with writing one
Take care

[The_Abyss]

Frustrated with bureaucracy! My 10 visits are about to run out. I have accessed the clinic previously through EAP, but the clinic no longer deals with EAP. I asked if they do EPC, but no "that's too much trouble". Looks like I will either have to pay privately, but by the way we are putting our prices up by $30 next month, or go to a different clinic with a different psychologist and start all over again through EAP or EPC. Or travel 2 hours to see the psychiatrist instead, who charges way above the medicare fee anyway. Or I could book myself into hospital for 5 weeks and access an inpatient program...which my health fund may or may not cover and I'll have no wage coming in. Major frustration. Why do they have to make it so hard!!!

Annie - thank you for reminding me that marks won't matter a few years down the track. In this case it's the destination, not the journey that is important.

I read on your post that you were battling today as well. Sorry to hear that. I hope things improve for you soon.

Thanks again,

TA

[The_Abyss]

PS - anger and depression are NOT a good combination!

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I am actually really surprised that your psych hasn't gone through a safety plan with you. That is disappointing. There is an app on beyond blue...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

I haven't used it but it really does help to work though a plan and have steps in place when you feel out of control. I think you're meant to do it when you feel ok and with a trusted person. Is this something you would look at?

I can't help but wonder if being prepared would help you more. Like how you went to the hospital and walked away when you needed help. Do you think maybe you could go when you feel well and confide in someone so that in future if you need help they know why you are there?

Money is a problem I agree. The systems in place are so bloody difficult feels like either you have money or fall through the cracks. What about your friends? Are there people who you can sit down and ask to be your emergency go to people? It works both ways. Today my friend texted me and said please please are you home today. I said come to the park with me. All 3 of us mums were losing the plot but we were safe together. The kids were all happy too. It cost the price of the fuel to drive but was a life saver. Sometimes we just need to swallow our pride and ask for help. Is that an option?

I really feel for you TA. It is so hard to try work out what you can do when you're in a tough place. But we're all here with you.

Take care of yourself please

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Quercus. I guess we have spoken of elements of the plan, just not put anything in place.

Finished one of my assignments last night, one more to do.

Not doing as well today as yesterday...one step forward, two steps back. Struggling to get out of bed again. I think yesterday I was so determined to stay out of hospital that I convinced myself I was invincible. Today I'm not so sure.

Doc trying to get me in to the Psychiatrist early ..... he feels psych will likely recommend hospital and so wants it earlier rather than later. Me, I'm not so sure. I did shower and eat yesterday.... not so sure it will happen today. Motivation has evaporated.

Not keen on hospital and I'm not as bad this week as last, although getting side effects from increased meds. Hopefully all will settle.

I am ok, just disappointed with another backward step.