Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss · ‎30-03-2017

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

The_Abyss · ‎15-06-2017

It's 3am, two days since THAT assignment was due, and I have finally handed it in. I fell apart again a couple of nights ago and it took me a couple of days to recover.

Thank you everyone for your posts...I'll answer them in the next couple of days. Right now I need to get some sleep and then start the assignment which is due tomorrow 😞 and finish the one due Sunday, and do 4 theatre performances, half a dozen appointments, usual work and life responsibilities, see the psych, and squeeze in some sleep somewhere!!!

White_Rose · ‎15-06-2017

Hello TA

How is your life going? Are you getting enough sleep and rest? How are the assignments going? Sometimes it seems we need a kick in the pants to get us going. I watched a BBC TV program last night, Big Dreams, Small Places. It's about how people who dream big for their gardens but have only a tiny space to make the dream happen. One of the UK's gardening gurus drops in to make suggestions. Last night was about a man who sounded very depressed for various reasons and wanted to make a vegetable garden.

He took ages to get going and it was the support and encouragement of the guru that helped him accomplish what he wanted. It made me think of you and your struggles and if you had a mentor of sorts, someone to give you encouragement to start on the next task and tell you how wonderful you are to get it finished.

I would like to think BB can do this but really you need someone on the spot to regularly check in with you. Is there anyone like this? Perhaps someone to read your assignments and offer some feedback? So often we end up not seeing the wood for the trees.

Remember to look at the in front of you, not tomorrow's task. It helps you focus on what to do next instead of being overwhelmed by the volume of tasks.

Mary

The_Abyss · ‎15-06-2017

Thanks for your post and advice Mary.

I am normally greatly relieved once I hand in an assignment, but handing in the one last night has plunged me back into the abyss. I think it's because of the next two that are also due, and knowing I just won't get them done in time. I try to look just at the task in front of me, but feel weighed down by the overwhelming pressure to succeed, the overwhelming pressure to be perfect. Instead, everything is crumbling around me.

I have just put in an application for official extension for tomorrow's assignment so I can work instead on the one due on Sunday. The lecturer for tomorrow's assignment has put such overwhelming pressure on me this semester that it taps into all my insecurities and feelings of failure. I finally emailed her this morning and told her of my psychological state. I resisted telling her of my earlier S attempts. I am desperately hoping it doesn't affect my overall graduation and registration. I should feel a sense of relief, but instead I feel only a deep sense of despair.

White_Rose · ‎15-06-2017

Hello My Dear

You sound absolutely exhausted. I would love to prescribe rest but I suspect this is not an option at the moment.

I can see the load you are carrying and wonder how I can help. Well, you have handed in one assignment which is good. There is nothing you can do about it now so try to let it go and concentrate on the next one. I think you said you were working on two degrees at the same time. One at a time is enough for me. I have no idea how you find the energy for more.

Yes, it's best to keep the S word out of communications about extensions. It really depends on your lecturer's generosity of spirit. Late assignments are par for the course in uni. Usually the reasons are valid, but jumping through the hoops at times is enough to make us despair. OK, what are you doing today other than finishing your assignment? Do you find when once you have started the words flow? I must admit I found that to be true. It was actually sitting down and starting that was difficult.

I know it's easy for me to say stop thinking you need to be perfect. I struggle with this at times and also with fighting battles over an injustice. I think I'm supposed to shut my eyes to this sort of thing. Not a chance, even when my GP tells me to let go and leave it to others. There are time, however, when expediency wins out over perfection. An HD is always great to have and stays around longer than your frustration, tiredness and effort. But you do need to remind yourself that actually getting a pass mark mean you can admire your degree when you get it.

I can almost hearing your cogs turning and saying, "No, no, that's not good enough". Be a little gentle with yourself. Where do you find your pictures?

Mary

The_Abyss · ‎15-06-2017

(trigger warning)

It has been a black day. All day I have reached out to others, unable to express the depth of my despair. All day I tried to make contact, to share my burden, expecting others just to get it, when really, I haven't gotten it myself. I should just have put myself to bed, shut the world out completely, and caught up on sleep, on assignment work, on house work and gardening. Instead I reached for a that which I shouldn't have.

My self harm is visible to others, and still no one gets it. They didn't question my made up story. They were too busy to listen. Everyone is too busy to listen. Too caught up in their own lives. Wanting to get home to their own families. Tried a phone call. Kids in the back ground. Not fair to disturb them on their day off. Tried another. No one home. Tried a text, an email, busy lives. Giving me space. I don't need space, I need intervention. I need someone to sit and hold my hand and tell me it will all be alright. I need a reset button.

The_Abyss · ‎16-06-2017

My last post will be held up in moderation (and potentially not posted at all), as no doubt this one will as well. I had a pretty black day yesterday and fell apart badly. It will take time to deal with the consequences.

I tried to analyse the "why" and came up empty. The assignment that I finally handed in last night after considerable procrastination put me in a tail spin. I thought I would feel joy and relief once I handed it in, but it plunged me into blackness. When I admitted my failings to my lecturer and asked for an extension, I thought I would feel relief, but it made the blackness close in tighter. When I called a friend and let him know how black the day was, I thought I would be thrown a lifeline and claw my way back. I thought going to the hospital would bring me relief, but they too were too busy. I am the one who got myself in this tail spin, and I am the one that needs to figure out the controls in order to fly straight again.

I think part of the issue in asking for an extension was 1) admitting the final defeat, and 2) it would extend my horror fortnight. I was so set on this fortnight being over by Sunday night that by asking for an extension, I have prolonged the stress, put off the recovery. I had plans for when it was all over. Plans for reclaiming my life. Plans to loose the massive amount of weight I had put on, to get back to exercising, to get back to feeling normal. By admitting defeat and asking for the extension, I have had to put off the "normal" and that lose affected me far more than I care to admit. My supervisor offered to extend my course into next year so that I was under less pressure, but that just added to my tail spin. I have been counting down to this all being over, until I can move onto the next chapter of my life. These degrees are tied up so much with the past life that I have been trying to shed. I just need it all to be over, all to be finished, all to be complete. I need to move on with my life, to cast aside these anchors weighing me down, and prolonging it will not make it better, it will only prolong the agony.

I know this feeling will not last. I know that the black dog will retreat again, freeing me from his teeth and claws. Right now though he has me by the throat, and I am not sure I have the strength to fight him off.

Another night without sleep. Another day, haunted by shadows. Another defeat.

annie45 · ‎16-06-2017

Dear TA

I hope you are doing better today. Yesterday sounds crap. I know all too well how hard it is to reach out to people, if only there was a secret handshake you could give to let people know you need help.

You are very caring and obviously care for those around you but don't forget that your important too. If a friend called me my kids would be in the background - but it wouldn't matter - i'd still want to take their call. If I had a day off, i'd still want to take their call. If my friend was in need then I'd be there - but they would need to let me know but I too can become caught up in my own world. I guess what I'm saying is that we get so caught up not wanting to burden others with our issues that we forget that if the shoe was on the other foot we would want to help.

I wish that I could help you, but I can't so I'm sending a hug and a wish that today is better than yesterday.

Mental note to self - take ones own advice...

x

The_Abyss · ‎16-06-2017

Thanks Annie. I guess my expectations were unrealistic, but it still hurts. I had told him of my thoughts /intention, he told me to go to the hospital, I declined at the time. Still not a word from him today. Disappointed.

I went to the psychologist this morning and he booked me again for a longer appointment for Monday. Felt better when I left. Did an alternate therapy that I thought was a waste of time at the time, but it seems to have helped, to have broken the cycle. I'm not great this afternoon, but I am now longer in the depths of despair that I was. I feel hope again. Dangerous territory.

Posts above were edited for good reason. Needless to say I'm sore and sorry today. I also desperately need sleep, but visitor dropped in just after I went to bed. Was good for me, but I still need sleep!!!

Thank you all for keeping tabs on me. I am much better than I was. Nothing time and sleep won't fix.

Quercus · ‎16-06-2017

Hi TA,

I hope you're resting. Fast asleep and letting your body take care of itself. You sound exhausted. Shattered.

I said to my psychiatrist the other day my Grandma (who was a Mum to me) is gone now but there are times I need her. I miss that presence in my life of someone who just KNOWS when to step in and save me from myself. And he replied... Look at your husband. You do have that. He was right.

When Mary said you need a mentor I agreed. Who is there in your life who you trust to ask for help? To share the load. To force you to rest when you aren't taking care of yourself? You are so hard on yourself and yet so bloody busy and accomplished. Look at the forums lately... Your support of others is everywhere. But you need to come first. Your health and wellbeing and safety is priority one. TA I'm worried for you. You sound tired.

No need to reply ok please just rest and put yourself first for once. You are worth taking care of.

Thinking of you and thank you for your reply to my thread. It was very kind and supportive I appreciated it.

White_Rose · ‎17-06-2017

Dear TA

You are still exhausted. Please stop expending your energy on BB and use it to finish your assignments. You know you can do it by concentrating only on what must be written. If I understand you correctly you have only one to go. You are getting there. The end is in sight so make the last effort. I read somewhere that we often give up just as we are about to achieve something. Cannot remember where I read it. One last push and you have finished and can rest and sleep without the thoughts whirling round your brain and keeping you awake.

I am so very sad that your efforts to reach out have not been successful. You could phone the BB helpline 1300 22 4636 at any time. I know it's not the same as talking to a friend but better than recycling your thoughts over and over. Please look after yourself.

Mary