Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

Half way through my super-stress fortnight. I have survived thus far, although had to apply for extensions on all my assignments. I had hoped to really get stuck into them today, but I'm overtired, grumpy, and stuck in an endless cycle of procrastination. The stress is building and I'm back to work tomorrow.

The past week has been very social and I enjoyed it despite myself, despite the pressure. I actually had a good few days. Today, everything has calmed down and I'm back to struggle city. Back to decompensating. The sun is shining outside, and I am inside, pretending to myself that I am working. Struggling to do what I need to do, what I'm expected to do. Struggling just to get things finished. So many false starts. A friend is going to the movies...tempted to join him just to escape, but knowing it's just another form of procrastination. Hours flying by unchecked. Tick-tock, tick-tock and another whole day has passed!

Having lived with the house in a pigsty all week, I could stand it no longer this morning and spent and hour doing the basics to make it liveable again. The rest can wait for another week (other than washing, ironing and dishes). No one to see it but me.....hubby away for another couple of weeks, and caught up with daughter yesterday. I need things to be ordered so I feel less out of control. When everything else is falling down around me, if I have a clean and tidy house to come home to, it's less stressful. No, no-one to help, and can't afford anyone to do it for me at the moment. I often fantasise about getting someone in.....not sure I could cope with the invasion of privacy.

Mary - I am the queen of lists. I spend so much time making the lists that there is no time left to do the jobs! I do in all honesty do a few lists. Once again, the orderly nature helps. It's nice being able to cross the things off when completed. Trouble is, I rarely finish everything on the list and keep adding more to the bottom. The trouble with this fortnight is that everything is just as important as everything else, so hard therefore to prioritise.

Little things getting on my nerves. Ready to kill the dogs - just as well my kids have grown up! Low tolerance. High stress. Coping mechanisms not available or not working. Hate this roller coaster. Felt so good last week was going to cancel next week's psych, now I really need it although it's another 4 hrs I don't have to waste. Time pressure, work pressure, uni pressure, society pressure, self-pressure!

[White_Rose]

Dear TA

What a tangle in your life. I would love to say forget the housework but I know I could never relax if the house was a horrendous mess. A few toys may be, a couple of beds not made, but wholesale mess was too much. You also have a sense of humour which is a saving grace. I think I would be out of my mind if I could not or did not laugh, especially at myself. I find many things amusing but I also use it to keep others away.

Time spent with your psych is not wasted, please get that firmly entrenched in your brain. One good week does not a cure make.You are on a long journey. Sorry this is not what you want to know. I want you to understand depression doesn't give up easily. That pesky black dog is always at your heels, alert for the chance to trip you up. If it cannot make you unhappy it will tell you your life is OK and you have no more need of psychs etc.

I also know about procrastination. In fact I always thought I was the queen of that area. 😊

OK today is my run hither and yon day. Counted the church offerings then went to see a client, back home but no time for lunch as I had a phone call two minutes after I got i and hard to get the person off the phone. My ladies group will be here very shortly. Does it sound familiar? I am beginning to think I need to cut down as there is little 'me' time and less BB time.

I want to say sit down and work but I am hoping you have logged out of BB and have started one of your assignments.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

Feeling the pressure.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, and another hour has passed.

Tick-tock, tick-tock and a whole day has passed!

Where does the time go!!!!

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I can feel your stress though the words. I don't quite agree with what you said

everything is just as important as everything else

No, all those things may have equal importance. YOU are the most important thing. If there was a flood or other major event all your plans, assignments, washing and so on would take a back seat, some never to be done.

The normal everyday world seems the most important thing, and it does indeed have importance, but in fact people are the core.

The list you create will never stop having new things being put on them because life goes on. You can never tick off everything.

Dear TA, you may think I'm waffling on -"What he says is all very true but ..."

All I'm trying to do is give you a sense that your burning sense of urgency and desire to accomplish all needs a pinch of proportion to leven it. When it all gets overwhelming you procrastinate - not surprising.

A little while ago my house was threatened with a flood (which only came up to the doorstep in the end). I went from a normal planned life to one of scruffing pets, stacking photos and paintings and clothes and organizing in case I needed a tow through the waters.

It all came to nothing but did give me a sense of proportion because I, like you, set myself a pyramid of tasks.

I'm probably not making all that much sense.

Short version - I and others understand - and wish we could help you more with your (partly self-imposed) burden

Croix

[The_Abyss]

Tic toc tic toc it's 9 o'clock....10 o'clock....11 o'clock....12.

8 hrs before I'm due at work and the assignment is still not finished. Sleep is a fantasy. It's crunch time.

2 bags of chips, 2 tubs of icecream, a bottle of coke.....sore shoulders and a numb bum! And still that blasted clock marches forward.

I have over complicated the assignment again. It will need some serious culling to get it back to the word limit - once I finish writing it!

Was due last Friday, extended to today... must be in before lecturer starts work. Time has run out. 2 more assignments due by the end of the week. Aiming for HDs, will be lucky to score passes.

Tic toc, tic toc, and another hour passes.

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

​I'm not going to distract you from your assignments because you need to get them done. But what happened to reducing your study load? Have you cut down? You sound as busy as ever!

Trying to balance work and study and home duties and family and friends is a mammoth task. Did you look at what you can cut from your work load?

Thinking of you and hoping you're stuck into your assignment. It will feel good once it's done and handed in!

Take care TA, am thinking of you.

[The_Abyss]

1 am and I'm defeated. Failed again. I need sleep.

[The_Abyss]

Like a hamster in a wheeler. Running faster and faster, getting nowhere.

Tears flow. Depression descends. Defeated. And another hour passes.

[annie45]

Hi TA

just wanted to swing by and thank you for your post on my thread. It's a testament to your character that you reached out to help me while feeling crap yourself.

I like the hamster wheel analogy- I feel like that too. Lets hope it's connected to a massive generator and powering a small rural community somewhere!

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

​How are you today after getting some sleep?

You're not a failure. Not at all. You're just overwhelmed. Please try and be gentle to yourself.

Am thinking of you and hoping you are alright.