Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Sorry to know you are struggling again. I have not written on BB much because I am tired and cannot think of anything to say. Much like the way you described yourself in an earlier post. I don't know if poems or quotes etc help you. If find something that inspires or explains where I am and I make a copy and stick it on part of my kitchen wall. I was reading the poem? below and it seems to me it's the story of my life. I hope you will like it and let it speak to you.

You Learn
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn.
And kisses aren't compromises. And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman or a
man not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your loads on today, Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans And futures
have a way of falling down mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask too much.
So you plant your own garden And decorate your own soul Instead of waiting for someone to buy you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn.
And you learn. With every experience you learn.

(Anonymous)

I enjoyed your journal article and recognised myself there. I think it is so easy to give up just as we are about to grasp success. Of course if we knew we were so close it would be the best incentive to continue, but I suppose that's not the nature of things.

Please keep on keeping on. I find your posts interesting and worthwhile. They give me hope and I need it. I have just been congratulated by my GP for making a decision that could have been difficult, but one I planned for, looked at the things that could go wrong and how it would be managed. But more than that I did plan ahead and I am not known for this.. So another stepping stone. I felt good.

Mary

[CMF]

Hi TA,

I don't really have an answer for you but want you to know i hear you loud and clear. In si the one who my case i have the little one's dad who says why didn't i do it this way or why didn't i buy that other one or why didn't i...whatever. He never compliments anything, juts question why i didn't do it another way. it is very frustrating as it leaves us feeling nothing we do is right or good enough. As you may know from my thread i try not to have too much to do with him atm and don't get involved in to much conversation because every time i feel i am getting out of the hole he pushes me back in. In my case not engaging with him too much helps. I make my decisions, i have faith in them and i own them. If something does not work out i do not blame anyone else.

As long as you are doing the best you can at any given time then other people's opinions do not matter. If you make a decision that was right for you at the time, that is all that matters. you don't need to things to please others but to please yourself. Sometimes I Think those that say why didn't you do B instead of A or why didn't you go here instead of there are projecting their own disappointments on us, they wish they did B instead of A etc. Maybe it is jealousy, maybe it is a way of undermining our achievements so they feel better at their own lack of achievements? Maybe it i a control issue?

I always think that those who have a need to put others down in any way have their own insecurities to deal with. Just remember deep down they have issues with themselves, not you.

cmf x

[The_Abyss]

Thank you Mary and CMF.

It's OK - I'm actually doing OK at the moment, just some introspection. Getting in touch with my inner voices I guess in order to combat them.

Is all well with you Mary? I wandered the corridors here last night, and all was quiet. All the action was in the new posts - so many needy souls. I read the first 10 pages worth but didn't feel I had anything to add. I am in awe of those of you that take the time to lend them a helping hand, day after day, night after night.

Thank you too for the poem Mary. I see a lot of sense in it. I think I am working hardest in the "you do have worth" and "accepting defeat" portions.

Congratulations Mary on making that decision and having the GP recognise the process. Good to see you taking forward steps!

I'm glad too you get something from my posts! I read a bit, and often find things that apply to me and hope others might relate and get something from them too. By sharing, I get additional understanding from them as well.

You are right too CMF, but only partially so I think. Some of is a control issue. My last boss was very controlling, always putting me down. Nothing was ever good enough. The harder I tried, the higher the bar was raised. There is another part that is jealousy - conscious or unconscious. I can't achieve this, but perhaps I can live vicariously though you while you achieve it? And then finally there are those that simply want the best for you because they care. Everyone has different motives for wanting you to achieve. It's where that motive comes from, what it's intent is, and how we interpret or respond to it that is important.

If only cure came with realisation!

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

If only cure came with realisation! I think it does. Once we have got the realisation safely stored in our minds, the body starts to process and implement that realisation. My GP, lovely lady, has told me on many occasions that it takes about six months for the head understanding transfers or translates to the heart. This is where the change comes from. I have looked back several times and can see that when I accept something it starts to work in my life. So i think you are on the verge. No giving up at this stage.

Love your phrase walking the corridors. So evocative. Yes the number of people writing on BB has increased enormously. I feel sad I cannot answer them all but I need to take care of myself as well. So I write where I can and leave the situations I cannot respond to for others with greater skills.

Just a quick post as I am going out. I wanted to say hello and great to read your last post.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I'm not sure if it will help but I had a thought about your earlier post. About making time to do things just because. Just for you.

One of the things I've noticed in your thread is how overwhelmingly busy you are. Others say keeping busy is good against depression and I think that's true but you seem to push yourself to exhaustion.

My thought was a list. Boring huh ☺ Write a list of all of the jobs and tasks and study and chores (every single thing that fills up your days). Just to see on paper how many committments you actually have.

And then delegate and cull. What is on your list that is realistic that someone else can do. For example can hubby do the grocery shopping on the way home if you leave a list once a week? Are there things you do that you don't enjoy or don't need to do?

My hubby is like you he's grown up in a house where sitting still is being lazy. He's slowly learning to make time for himself. Usually that involves me making an effort to sweep outside and do chores before he gets home because I know if they're not done he won't rest. But you need to or you burn out!

He gets colds.... your depression gets worse... but it's your body saying give me a break.

What do you think?

PS no joke reading through your thread puts me in awe. You have so so so much energy! Do so much. I'm the opposite I like a slow pace of life 😊

[running_girl]

Hi TA, just caught up on the threads this morning and re your thoughts on that passage in the running magazine, I too struggle to find the line between apathy and hopefulness. But, despite myself, I would rather be hopeful and risk crushing disappointment than be numb.

I hope you are going ok. I love your new avatar.

rg xo

P.S. I'm also in a drama group - something else we have in common. It's daunting but it allows one to put themselves out there behind the relative safety of a scripted conversation. It's done a lot for my confidence and it sounds like it has helped you in the same way.

[The_Abyss]

It's 1 am and I have been procrastinating and binging for hours. I have had almost no sleep in the past 2 days, and I have several major commitments over the next several days. I have a pile of work beside me which is not getting any smaller, and the hours are ticking away into oblivion. The storm rages outside, and another within. After a week of florid activity, the house is again empty and deserted. Hubby is away for the next few weeks, two of my kids are sick (one having just gotten out of hospital, the other spending tonight in hospital). Another is overseas. Another I just don't have time to catch up with, despite living just a couple of km away. Available for everyone, my work comes last, available for no one. The house is a bomb-site after all the visitors, the washing a damp and stinking mess, the yard a quagmire. And still, time ticks away unchecked. tick-tock, tick-tock, and another hour has passed. I desperately need sleep, I desperately need to get my work done, assignments done, my life filed and sorted. Pain, real or imagined? Stress or disease? Not enough hours in the day, too many hours in the night. Exhausted. Chaos. Drowning. Overwhelmed. Doing so well, falling so fast. Full of confidence, wavering with uncertainty. So much to do, struggling to get started. Support services evaporated. Tick-tock, tick-tock, and another hour has passed. Need to sleep. Need to work. So much to do. Alone. Tick-tock, tick-tock, and another hour has passed.

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

You sound very distressed and alone. I hope your children are recovering well. It sounds very serious that two of them have been in hospital. What is wrong?

The need for sleep is battling with your worry about all the as yet uncompleted tasks. I have found when I cannot sleep that it's good to tackle one of the outstanding jobs. You may start falling asleep while you are doing it but that's OK. You can then go back to bed and rest. Keep all these tasks away from your bedroom. That way your body will learn that the bedroom is for sleeping. Another thing I do is meditate. Giving your full concentration to one thing like meditation will get the rest of the stuff out of your head and allow you to relax enough to fall asleep.

What do you mean by 'support services evaporated'? Are getting someone to do your housework or something similar? I have someone come in once a fortnight to clean my house. Makes me sound lazy and I have had my share of quilt over this. I could do it myself and save the money. Well not really. There have been times when I am too exhausted for household chores. Cooking meals is about my limit and even then I have settled for beans on toast occasionally. It helps to know my home is clean and fresh and takes away some of the stress.

TA, have you thought about writing down your list of chores and allocating time to do them? I know this works for some people although I have tried this and accomplished very little.

It is so hard to get over our childhood conditioning. Well you have recognised where some of your 'unrelenting standards' have come from and that's the start. May I make a suggestion? Every time you start a task can you pause and ask yourself if it is urgent or necessary. Can someone else do it, or can you leave it for another day. It may help you get through the day without losing your sanity.

Please look after yourself today and get as much rest as possible. I'm off to see my psychiatrist in a couple of hours.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

How are you today? I hope you got some sleep. Have you spoken to your GP about your sleep? Sometimes I think we just let it go too far without asking for help but when you're fatigued it's like driving drunk. You need rest.

As to the house... You're being hard on yourself. If you've got kids in hospital to worry about and lots of work something has to give. So bugger the quagmire for now and focusing on the priorities.

Easy to say I suppose (I hate it when the yard and house are untidy it makes my mood worse). But sometimes needs must.

Is there anyone you can reach out to for help? Any friends or family you can call and say I'm overwhelmed at the moment can you help me with certain tasks?

Sometimes we have no idea how much someone needs help because they don't pick up the phone or hint at a problem. But if you text or call and say I need help they'll come. Is that an option?

Take care TA.

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Quercus has a good point, can you ask a friend or family member for help? Even if they do nothing but listen to you or go for a walk it will be a good support for you.

I also read all sorts of things which is where I often get my inspiration. I have part of my kitchen wall to stick up the various poems, quotes, extracts etc. It makes good reading when I walk past, especially when I'm having a bad day. Every little helps.

This is a short post to ask how you are going before I go to bed. Big day tomorrow.

Mary