Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss · ‎30-03-2017

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

The_Abyss · ‎15-05-2017

No Mary. Over tired, over stressed, overwhelmed. I had planned on spending all day yesterday on much needed work but family had other plans despite what I had said to the contrary. They meant well, but once again I didn't want to put anyone out so I missed out on meeting my needs again.

I have been on a short fuse since psych on Friday. These rages though are a new thing and they scare me in their ferocity. They are also becoming more frequent and leave a deep depression in their passing.

yes, psych doing schema therapy. We did the questionare the other day and I am meant to identify what schemas my behaviours and responses come from in order to become more in touch with my emotions. I suspect the rage is attached enough as it is!!!

The_Abyss · ‎19-05-2017

Whinge alert - seems like all I do these days is whinge.

Sorry I haven't been around to support anyone else this week, I've been struggling enough myself and didn't want to bring anyone down further.

A bit of an update:

I have been doing it pretty tough, and nothing seems to be working. The world is moving ahead without me and I am falling further and further behind. I am drowning without a life preserver, no land in sight.

I finally got a referral to the psychiatrist. I couldn't make the appointment without faxing the referral first, so it will now be mid July before my appointment. To make it worse, they phoned home and spoke to my husband....

I was meant to be running a major race this weekend. It's one I look forward to every year, but this year I have been too depressed to get fit, and have put on too much weight to fit into any of my essential exercise clothes. I have also just spent the last 2 hours binging.....it hasn't helped. Failed before I even start. Another failure..

I spoke to my GP friend on Tuesday - I've not seen him since the episode where he decided he couldn't be my friend and my GP at the same time. We had a good talk, cleared the air a bit, and finished in a positive light. I needed the psychiatry referral, more ADs, and more visits to the psychologist (I have used my 6). I also needed continued support with uni as so many of assignments are late as I just haven't been able to face them. A bright light in the night.

After speaking to the GP about being over committed, I sat down again to do THAT assignment and realised I just couldn't do it right now. Instead I quit. Well, not completely, but applied to withdraw from the subject until next semester. Another failure. I spoke with my subject co-ordinator and he has been great. He supported the withdrawal (I'll do the assignment during the semester break in July so I don't weigh down the second semester). I put in a withdrawal application through uni, but they are making me jump through so many hoops. Looks like I may need a report from the psych, but I don't want to see the psych...at all.

I rang for an extra psych appointment this week, having been told a few weeks ago that I was a "priority". I couldn't get an appointment...again. I'm doing it pretty tough again, and, after the anger issues last week, I needed to get things sorted. If he doesn't have time for me and doesn't support me, what is the use of going back? I feel deserted all over again, with nowhere else to turn.

The_Abyss · ‎19-05-2017

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

This roller coaster one calls life has so many ups and downs and directional changes, it makes one dizzy. The closer to "well" I get, the further I have to fall back to the abyss. Why does it have to be so hard?

The_Abyss · ‎19-05-2017

The storm rages

the tears flow

lost and alone

CMF · ‎19-05-2017

Hi TA,

I'm sorry to hear things have been such a struggle for you. With re to withdrawing from the subject can your dr give you a note instead of the psych, explaining you can't get an appointment soon enough?

I'm sorry I can't offer much more but am sending you a big comforting hug and some positive energy to try an get through this period. I'm sorry I don't have more to offer but i am here and i am listening.

cmf x

Croix · ‎19-05-2017

Dear TA~

You are no alone you know, You are real to the people here and I can assure you we are real too, and care about you. We follow each others progress and draw comfort from the voices of others, and make our voices heard giving comfort in return.(Have one of Dottie's virtual tissues, I've got some left over)

As you get better going backwards can well seem worse as there is more contrast, plus disappointment and a hint of fear. As you get better the recovery time is getting quicker. (I can personally vouch for all this:)

You are having practical hassles getting the treatment you need, and keeping you husband's knowledge minimized, ok.

You are also taking the right steps, talking to your GP colleague/friend, reducing your Uni load successfully with the helpful coordinator. Sorting meds & treatment. Good things.

Binging is an attempt to cope, maybe not the best, but an attempt. It can be useful if you think of it this way:-

It tries to make you feel good in the now, it has no long-term master plan, it just wants you to feel better at this moment.

Actually that idea is a pretty good one. Thinking about the hassles, the waits and so on is making you feel worse right now and probably will not make any difference to things.

So what can you do to feel a little better right now? You know you best.

If it was me I'd go for a walk outside, maybe talk to someone in passing. Put on a movie from my stock of known feel-good distractions. Read some more .... and so on. And if I was too het up to start anything I'd have another go on Smiling Mind.

It will get (tons) better

Croix

Quercus · ‎19-05-2017

Hi TA,

I was going to write to you on the 15th but I don't know anything about schema therapy so didnt. I was going to write last night was wondering why you'd been so quiet and then told myself not to be so nosy. Hmm next time I'll go with my gut.

There are good things in your post amongst the bad. I'm glad you are taking time out from the course. It seems like it had been overwhelming you. CMF makes a good point a medical certificate should be enough. It's not reasonable for them to make you jump through hoops like this.

Another positive (although it probably doesn't feel like it) is not doing the run. Yes you look forward to it. Yes you're binging. Ok maybe you've gained weight. But it all comes back to the fact you sound exhausted. Your priority needs to be your health not uni or running. And this is forcing you to rest a bit and take things slower. Just my opinion... Possibly an irritating opinion to you. But you are worth taking care of.

If you need to and can't get into the psych or GP the ER is there. I felt ridiculous when my psych told me this but part of me found it a relief. To know that what I was experiencing warranted the ER if I was desperate. I just wanted to remind you because you sound so so distressed and I'm worried about you. Also can your psych or the psychiatrist put you on the cancellation list just in case they can see you earlier?

Also... What was your husband's reaction (if I can ask)? Did he speak to you about the referral? How are you dealing with this seeing as you didn't want him to know?

My thoughts are with you TA it's awful seeing you so upset. But know that is the point of the forums (you know this). You're not bringing anyone down. It's absolutely fine to focus on your own health. And reaching out for help is essential. We are here for you. We're not going anywhere. And I'd rather you vent even if it's 10 posts in a row than bottle it up and we're in the dark about you being in pain.

Take care of yourself TA. We're with you in the dark of the Abyss until you can find your way out again.

running_girl · ‎19-05-2017

Dear AB,

We haven’t met (this is my first post) so I hope you don’t mind me joining
your thread. It’s just that your words resonate with me. I picture being well as
a destination which, once reached, will be permanent. So, every time I feel
like I’ve outrun my depression or anxiety, I take it for granted that the worst
is finally behind me for good. And then when the depression/anxiety inevitably resurfaces, I feel like I’ve failed or been cheated. I’m tempted to give up and give in.

I’m trying to change my perspective so that I accept that depression/anxiety
will always be a part of me – I will never be entirely free of it. This change
of perspective helps me because I don’t beat myself up or blame myself as much when
I re-enter a bad phase. I accept that sometimes it’s beyond my control.

In other words, I’m trying to replace my goal of becoming well with managing the
illness as best I can, knowing that
sometimes it will be a breeze, and other times it will be a real struggle. And when
it’s a struggle, to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling, hold on and trust in
my past experiences that better days await.

You may not identify with any of the above or find it helpful but I hope
you can take some comfort in knowing you’re not alone – I think I understand how
you feel - and together with the other people on this thread, I care.

RG

Quercus · ‎22-05-2017

Hi TA,

Just dropping by to say I'm thinking of you and hoping you're talking those baby steps out of the abyss and looking after yourself.

We're here if you need to talk.

Croix · ‎22-05-2017

Dear Running_Girl~

I see this is your first post so I'd like to welcome you to The Forum. I feel good that you have found things here that strike a chord with you. As a long term sufferer from anxiety, with bouts of depression thrown in, I entirely relate to the dashed hopes of a total permanent cure. I guess we have to work on keeping the downs as small as possible.

Posting here in this tread is fine for talking to TA and a couple of others and I'm sure they are pleased you are here. However it's not ideal in that not many others will be aware of you, and you will not be taking part in the full life of the Forum. I'd like to suggest you make a thread of your own in the Depression or Anxiety Areas (just hit the New Post button).

There everyone will see you and I'm sure many will wish to greet and talk with you. You might also want to have a look at the permanent information threads pinned to the start oft the Welcome Area

forums/welcome-and-orientation

I look forward to talking to you again

Croix