Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[White_Rose]

My Dear TA

Thank you for your lovely words. They are also an encouragement to me. I am so delighted you are feeling better.

Yes, you have indeed come far. It's only when we look back occasionally that we see the distance we have travelled. I understand about wanting to see your psychologist soon and discuss your reaction and to stop stewing over it. However I suggest you wait a little longer until you have had more time to process all that was said and why you had that emotional reaction. These things take time to settle and longer to process. In the meantime you can do some journalling which may help to get it off your chest.

Jess has made a couple of very relevant points (but then she is always wonderful), about how to go on with the psych. I am presuming you want to stay with this psych.When you feel able, try to look at your progress from his point of view. As Jess suggested, he may be frustrated and want you to move a little faster. I love her comment about therapy being a chance to model and mirror how to have healthy relationships beyond the therapy couch.

So one of the topics you may wish to discuss is how to do this. In my experience I have found it hard to shift the focus from me to someone else. Maybe that sounds silly because you have gone to a therapy session to talk about yourself. But part of your life involves others and it can be a surprise to consider their thoughts and actions. Doing this with your psych in a safe environment can be helpful. Just a suggestion to put on your list.

I have no idea if your anti-nausea meds are making you feel sleepy. Before you stop taking them please discuss this with your GP. You may be right but may have to stay on them because you will feel worse without them. Similarly with your ADs, don't stop because you have had one week of feeling good. You feel good because you are taking an AD and you will crash big time if you stop now. Being stable for one week doesn't mean you are OK. These meds need to be taken for a long time during which you will learn good habits of coping. Then you can throw away the pills.

You were upset because the psych said you were sick. Well, you do have an illness and like many physical illnesses, it will take time, meds and hard work to become well again. Patience (which I don't have) is very much the key here. What are the words of that hair ad? "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen". No sure about the hair but it is definitely true about depression.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Mary -

No, I wasn't planning on stopping the ADs. Sadly I have realised that I do need them at the moment. They in combination with the other new meds are keeping me much more stable and helping me bounce back quicker. The storm clouds still gather around me, but I feel a little safer in their presence.

Mary - I read on Quercus's thread that the pain relief meds you have been taking have had an affect on the anxiety? So sorry to hear this. It must be tough having to toss up which is going to have the better outcome. I dearly hope things settle for you soon.

Your craft and exercise groups sound good, and it sounds like you get much benefit from them. I had thought that the groups I attended were "social" - I converse with people, but then he asked - "do you ever go out for coffee afterwards, meet them outside of the group?" and I realised I didn't, and that I knew very little about the people in the groups outside of the group itself. Even at work, I know very little about my workmates, and yet others seem to know everything! I guess I stopped making that effort a long time ago.

I was interested in your comment about thinking about things from another's perspective. It makes sense, I'm just not sure how to address it. When I think of how others think of me I only think in the negative. When I think of how they think of my actions, again I only come up with the negatives. I spent most of my life being told things were my fault - my fault things went wrong or didn't work out, always the scapegoat, always the doormat. I'm not sure how to turn that one around, to stop taking the blame. I'm sure it will be addressed in time.

I guess I was upset when he reinforced that I was 'sick'. I felt like I had had the courage to come out of my box and he was forcing me back into that sick mode again, back into the box and closing the lid. Back to being a victim rather than a survivor. I thought I was doing the right thing, turning my back on the depression, but perhaps I was just avoiding it.

I did end up going to bed the other day. The house was quiet and I just hibernated, licking my wounds, feeling sorry for myself. I would like to have done something active but I was hurting too much for that, so hibernating was the next best thing!

My house is far from perfect by the way (I clean it when I can and get frustrated when it doesn't stay that way!) and the slow cooker gets a regular workout!

Thanks again for caring, and good luck with your own struggles.

[The_Abyss]

Thank you JessF for coming out of the shadows and taking the time to reply to my post. You offering a different perspective was appreciated, even if i didn't appreciate it at the time!

My relationship with the psychologist has been a little hit and miss. We have already used up 6 visits and I feel we haven't achieved anything. Other than my second last session (where I finally felt supported), I often leave there more confused and needing counselling to deal with my counselling session! I thought of changing counsellors but didn't want to start all over again and risk ripping open the wounds further. Like real life, just because I have an issue, doesn't mean I get to walk out and not deal with it. My issue I guess is to work out how best to communicate with him, to get the best out of my sessions. He did point out that other day that we weren't there just to chew the fat, that we needed to move forward.

I don't know that he intended to get angry - I felt his frustration, but the more he pushed, the more closed down I became (survival), and the more frustrated he became. I do need to address it, I'm just not sure how. He is constantly on about me getting in touch with my emotions, but I have spent my entire life ignoring them or shutting them down. Not so easy to open them back up again without hurt following. Who knows what I'll release!

Was it just a different approach to illicit a response? I don't know. I guess that's a conversation I need to have with him, to find out his motivations and intentions rather than second guessing him all the time. His intent and my interpretation may be so completely different but I don't challenge it and so don't know.

Your comment about modelling behaviour was an interesting one, and certainly bears thinking about. I'm not sure however I have developed enough trust (dependence, yes, trust, no) in him to accept behaviour modelling.

This has all been such a confusing time. A couple of months ago I thought I was sailing along OK and I then suddenly I wasn't. I have had to readjust my entire way of thinking, my entire belief system. I am still struggling with it.

Thanks again for giving me something else to reflect on. Perhaps you are right and it's all part of the ongoing growth.

TA

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

A much lighter picture today. That's nice. You also sound better which is much nicer.

My aches and pains are beginning to subside (I hope) and I am taking fewer pills. I think there was some anxiety in there as well which I had not recognised. I used to have panic attacks and when it appeared they were starting again, well I panicked. 😊 Eating properly also helps.

The ladies in my exercise group only meet for exercise, unless we bump into each other on the street. My study group ladies are all from my church so I do get to see them more often. The craft stuff I do on my own at home although I have been to classes for some new things. The people I worked with were generally chatty when we had time and we all knew about impending marriages, babies etc. We rarely interacted outside work although we had lunches together at times. I think when we meet with a group of people fairly regularly we do tend to learn more about them, or maybe their likes and dislikes. Besides, I'm told I can talk with a mouth full of marbles underwater. I'm sure it's an exaggeration because I have no marbles.😊

Looking at events from another perspective. It requires you to think of different scenarios. Apparently, if six people witness a car accident there will be six versions of what happened. It depends on their mood, their vantage point, their beliefs (e.g. women are useless drivers) and how much they actually saw. So what are the alternatives to believing you have done something wrong? Say you dropped something and it broke. I imagine you would immediately blame yourself and say how clumsy you were. Someone else may be thinking how sad because the object was lovely, not that you were clumsy. Another person may see it the object was too heavy for you but you were trying to help. Another viewpoint may be irritation directed at the person who asked you to move the object without helping. I'm not sure this is such a wonderful example so I hope you get the picture.

Practice by writing down a scenario where you think you have demonstrated clumsiness, been thoughtless or any other evidence of wrong. Imagine you were watching and describe how the event happened. Not what your emotions were or the emotions of others. What happened. Imagine what you would think if it was someone else carrying out the action. How would you think about it then? Write it down. How different are your reactions to the imaginary person to your reactions to yourself? No words left.😊

Mary

[The_Abyss]

Sorry Croix while I address another point from Mary...

You mentioned setting our own boundaries on the time we spent on others and ...letting people find their own solutions instead of being there to pick up the pieces and ignoring our own needs. It was also something the psych mentioned the other day when he was rousing on me for accepting the extra shift and for going back to work early. Somehow when you say it, it has more impact! Do as I say and not as I do perhaps? I am good at reminding others to follow this doctrine, but not myself. Alas, another thing to practice!

Now, Croix, back to you. Thank you for your indignation over the way I felt I was treated in my session. Your affirmation helped me to feel "normal", that it was OK to have reacted the way I did at the time, because of the way I was feeling at the time.

I also appreciated you pointing out that what felt right at the time, what our interpretation is, may change given more insight into the situation. Was he wrong? I thought so at the time, but now I don't know. My judgement is clouded with a kaleidoscope of past experiences. Was I wrong in my reaction? That too I don't know.

when our self-esteem is down if somebody repeated gives us devastating blows we tend to think we have contributed to it, that we are at least in part measure at fault. Was it my fault? I don't know. I tend to take on the blame, always have..... sigh..... so much to work on!

blow that grain of truth into a full-blown disaster...catastrophising I believe it is called! My earliest memory of this was in around grade 3 at school. We were driving through a bushfire and a wood truck was headed in the opposite direction. I remember being overly concerned about the welfare of the truck and driver due to the combustible nature of the wood on the truck. Apparently I went on about it for hours! Even these days I can become fixated on a thought or idea and may not be able to leave it alone until I have told someone or written it down then I promptly forget about it!

you will overcome this large-seeming hiccup in your recovery. Thank you for this much needed reminder. You always say the right thing at the right time.

Thank you too for reminding me about my past comment about him underestimating my needs and ... missed the cues. It prompted me to go back and re-read my thread, which allowed me to ground and re-centre myself and reminded me how far I had come.

Thanks again, and good luck this week in your own 'outside issue'.

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Mary, and yes, your example does make perfect sense!

[The_Abyss]

Woken in a white hot, irrational rage.

"You need to get in touch with your schemas....what schema has it arisen from?" How the #%*¥ do I know where it #%*¥ing comes from!!! It's rage, pure and simple. White hot, fiery rage!!!!

Not sure a picture of a fiery h<{{ will make it through!

[Croix]

Dear TA~

I'm not sure you actually need a picture to reinforce your words

-C (who is hiding behind his iceberg just in case)

[The_Abyss]

I'm surprised I didn't cause global warning! You are safe now Croix - I have simmered down somewhat!

Rage is such a dangerous emotion... apart from the direct hits, it can cause such widespread damage. Plus it's very empowering -> increased risk behaviours and a "stuff the world" attitude!

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Yes I felt the heat in Qld. What happened? Did you wake feeling like that or did someone/something set you off?

I take it you are doing schema therapy with the psychologist. I had lots of problems trying to work it out but my wonderful GP explained it to me. I expect you completed a questionnaire and got all sorts scores. They didn't mean much to me and in fact there were scores in areas that scared me because I did not think that particular schema applied to me. The psychologist seemed to presume a lot of understanding on my part which did not exist.

Anger is one of my besetting sins. And it comes out of nowhere. Doing a lot of work on that with the psychiatrist. I think some of it was because I have always been used to choke back my anger because it led to upsetting people and I was afraid no one would like me if I upset them. I agree it is very empowering. Recently I discovered something that really blew my mind. Cannot say what I did but no one was harmed or even witnessed my anger and the betrayal that caused it.

I'm not brave enough to "stuff the world" but it always appears attractive if only I could bring myself to it. Can you tell us what upset you? Maybe I can make use of my GP's words and make myself sound clever while I cure the world. Or maybe not. 😊

Mary