Is it a mental illness or just depression?

The_Abyss · ‎30-03-2017

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

White_Rose · ‎09-04-2017

Hello TA

I am so pleased you managed to hang on for these three days. I am sorry I did not see your post above mine. As you say it was held up and appeared after I wrote my post.

Yes, I know the road you are walking and how hard it is. Please reach out to anyone whenever you are in need. My support circle was very much needed in the past couple of days while I was lost in my pain. Like you I am coming to realise nothing lasts forever, and certainly not the my current situation. No I was not contemplating ending my life, because I have finally realised that one day the sun will shine. My journey is resuming after a pit-stop.

Keep writing it all down either here or your journal. It really helps. Remember we all care about you and want to help as much as we can.

Mary

The_Abyss · ‎09-04-2017

Thank you Mary. I hope you got the support you needed. Remember to take time out for you as well!

It was a bad week, but I'm doing better now. Yes, moderators held up the post for a couple of days ...for good reason. I did wonder what happened when you broke the rules!!!

PS - By the way, The Abyss is the place I go on a regular basis - not by choice, but I feel like it's this bottomless pit that laps at my ankles, pulling me deeper and deeper until I drown. It's a very big part of me, always in the background. Not ready to change the name yet, but have put in to change the image. Baby steps!

Croix · ‎09-04-2017

Dear TA~

(Sorry for the abbreviation - hope you don't mind). I wanted to thank you for your account in

Forums/ Staying well/ Store Your Happy Memories Here:

It was a truly lovely moment in time. I enjoyed reading it, I hope you get a moment's escape when you need it by re-reading it too, I'm sure others will.

As I said in my response I do gain immensely from that thread, not only reading but writing. Since I started it I've found that sometimes writing helps me cope. As a result I've several memories just sitting there - you gave me an excuse to dig out one of mine:) I try not to do it too often as it is a thread for everybody.

Your are right about grandparents, childhood animals. I guess many are like me and view those days as very secure and special.

You are also spot-on about Gruffudd. Where I will just relate what happens, his has wisdom in the selection and telling.

Again thanks

Croix

The_Abyss · ‎09-04-2017

Thanks Croix - and I loved your latest offering! And thank you too for encouraging me to post there. My bike memory will make it there eventually!

Most of my happy memories revolve around times as a small child at my grandfather's house as well, or time with animals, particularly my multiple dogs. You are right (again!) - they are times of safety, of security, of feeling loved or appreciated. I guess the change is, that a week ago, I was unable to recall any happy memories at all. I was unable to remember ever being happy. Just reading the stories though have helped to prompt the memories. The rice pudding with the skin on top for example ......

Happy to have the abbreviation - Mary suggested I change the name, but I think the Abyss is still too big a part of me, always lurking in the shadows. I compromised, and changed the picture instead!

Apart from my mid week fall from grace (where nothing was going to help), I too have found the journalling on line is very cathartic. I find I relate much better to some stories / posters than others, but I particularly enjoyed the story-telling on your "memories" thread. It was a lovely reminder that even when people are hurting so bad, being able to find those little moments of joy are so worthwhile. It's so nice being "normal" for a moment.

I am still finding my place in the forums, still learning the rules. It helps to share when the chips are down, but it also helps by being able to help others, or at least to offer a "I hear you". I don't want to overstep the mark or become a pest, so am still trying to find a happy balance.

Thanks again for your support and encouragement.

TA

White_Rose · ‎10-04-2017

I'm very impressed with the new picture TA. Certainly a huge step on your journey.

I quite agree about helping others. It does make us feel good. And it helps to let others offer help and suggestions to us. Please never think you are a pest. There is no such thing as writing in too often. When you need to write, do so, and if you want to sit back for a while that's OK as well.

I haven't read your post on Store Your Happy Memories Here. I must take a look. Take care of yourself.

Mary

The_Abyss · ‎10-04-2017

As the swollen moon leers down, catching it's own reflection in the shimmering water, I am reminded how short lived it's beauty is, how it chooses to hide behind it's mask, only to tease us again with it's brightness. It hasn't been a good day, with even the moon leering down with contempt and betrayal.

Shoulders turned, faces averted, doors slammed. Prodded and poked into submission. Knowledge and Integrity questioned, limits set, reprimand noted, coralling into smaller and smaller circles. Needing to escape, the darkness catching up. Overtired, ready to throw it all away. Support gone, nowhere left to turn, nowhere safe. Alone again, a time of danger.

An act of kindness. Back from the brink. Teetering. Falling. The abyss.

Croix · ‎11-04-2017

Dear TA~

You certainly have a way with words, both for light and dark. It is a gift. That last post was so good I checked to see if it was original 🙂

My hassles like that were a while ago, however I try to describe them to some people that come here, when they are really far inside, so they can see others have been there too. I think it can give encouragement - the down side is that it can affect the writer - me.

Would you mind if I made a suggestion?

There is a very useful app mentioned in the email you would have received, it's called BeyondNow. When in a reasonable frame of mind you load it with tasks, information, feelings, phone numbers. It's here if you can't find the reference:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It is something to reach for when overwhelmed. Not perfect - but what is. It is something. It is also a chance to talk with someone else, as it takes the ideas of more than one to fill it in properly - at least it did for me. I could not think of enough activities that were meaningful to me all by myself.

I know you have a deep reluctance to to discuss yourself with your husband. This is a great pity. Two can carry a bigger load than one. I found the support of my wife was essential and is the reason I'm here talking to you.

Is that avenue completely and permanently closed? Also is there anyone else, even if of a different age? They don't have to be knowledgeable, just care.

You can fill the app by yourself, it would be a start. A psychologist/psychiatrist/GP who either knows you or has experience is a reasonable substitute for a loved one. Although nothing is a complete and perfect answer when in the abyss, having a collection of tools is a good strategy.

OK I'm back out of lecture mode 🙂

Now I'm going to argue instead 🙂

Support gone .. Alone again

Um. All the lines of text your read here in your thread are real breathing people who care for you and try for the right words - not as good as someone in the same room I know, but people nevertheless. Just as you are a line of text in others' threads where you lend support.

You give acts of kindness too. They do help.

Croix

White_Rose · ‎11-04-2017

Dear TA

Would it help to know I feel as lost as you? Not because of depression exactly but because of someone's action. You have support here although I know it's not always immediate. And you have helped others already. Croix has mentioned Beyond Now and I think I also suggested this to you. Can't change pages to check otherwise I will lose what I have written. It is good to make a safety plan, perhaps with the help of your GP or psych. I have made a plan then later edited it to build in more security.

An act of kindness. Back from the brink. It is amazing what a gesture of kindness can do. In the past few days I have been supported by four people who have listened to my fury, hurt, anger, helplessness and frustration. The abyss can be an attractive place at times. We can both stand back and face it together. This time will pass as all these times pass. Remember the times you have left the darkness and emerged into the light. It will happen again I promise, just as others have promised me. I am believing it at last even as I rage against the dark.

Remember the phone numbers for when you are in need. They will help you. I will keep checking in with you.

Croix, if you are around I can tell you this. He has broken no law because it is not an offence. Amazing and gob smacking though that is. TA sorry to be cryptic but I cannot talk about this.

So come and vent here and we will hold your hand.

Mary

The_Abyss · ‎13-04-2017

Mary - so sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I hope things improve for you soon. Thank you for taking time out to extend the hand of kindness and support in my direction when you had your own battles.I often wonder about those of you who are supporters....you are here because you have your own issues, and yet you are exposed to overwhelming quantities of despair. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

Croix - thank you also. I checked out Beyond Now a couple of weeks ago.....wasn't what I needed at the time, but appreciate it being there. I was too far down to even contemplate looking at my strategies - like reaching for the flotation buoy when you had already raced past it unseen.

I had become overly involved in BB and got badly burned. I overstepped the mark a couple of times and was pulled back into line. I had disclosed what I had not planned to and felt betrayed. Therefore I struggled with turning back to BB when I started to crash again so quickly after just a few good days. I also struggled because having had a few good days, I felt I finally had some control. I was wrong, again.

To make it worse, my husband came home from work the other morning and was ranting about having a patient that we both know professionally. He had apparently been on the line to Lifelife and threatened suicide so Lifeline apparently tracked his address down, and had him admitted to the area of the hospital he (the patient) works in. I therefore feared calling any of the support lines as I desperately didn't want to be subjected to the same process.

I had tried approaching the GP without success, tried one of the other psychs, no luck. I felt there was nowhere left to turn. I had a couple of run ins at work that pushed all my buttons and escalated me badly. Again I was pulled into line. I then had a run-in with my supervisor at uni. Everywhere I turned I was being burned, until I felt there was nowhere left, no one I could trust, no options but out. I was also overtired and had a three day migraine. Not a good combination.

Before I run out of space, I want to thank you all sincerely for being there. I cannot adequately express my appreciation.

I did see the GP today. I told him about my involvement with BB these past couple of weeks, and my suicide attempts. I made a pact with him and he promised to try and keep me in check. And I finally conceded defeat and started on antidepressants. I'm terrified of the journey ahead and feel like such a failure.

james1 · ‎13-04-2017

Hey TA,

Sorry I can't reply much at the moment, but I just wanted to let you know you've taken a huuuge step forward in seeing the GP today and also in starting on anti-depressants. It may feel to one part of you like defeat, but there's another part which knows that you're giving yourself the best shot you can.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you've been betrayed by a lot of people recently. That can make you feel very isolated.

But we haven't ditched you. If we ever say anything wrong, please do let us know as we just want the best for you.

This is your thread and your place to feel safe.

James