Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[White_Rose]

Hello

Just a quick reply before I go out. Sounds as though you had a horrible shock made all the worse because you believed you were protecting your children. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I gather your children are at least teenagers? I suggest, if they are old enough, that you have a bit of a chat with them one day. No need to go into the details. You will have one less thing to worry about and in all likelihood your children will just move on to more interesting activities.

A sign I saw recently "Keep calm and drink tea". And in the same vein I read this recently. Women are like teabags, you never know how strong they are until you put them in hot water. Well I know you are strong. Keep moving forward.

Mary

[james1]

Hello TA,

Sorry about the delay in my response, but I'm glad Mary's been speaking with you regularly over the last few days.

It sounds like you're really struggling to understand the implications of the diagnosis and what it means for you and your kids.

Perhaps now is a good time to remember that you are still the same person who was there for your kids and continues to be there. You are also definitely not your mother. There may be similarities but you are two very different people. In fact, I'd say you're in a much better position than your mother to get better at the things you want to get better at for the simple reason that you're seeking help right now.

In a post above, you said: "With understanding and improved insight comes tolerance and a greater peace."

That bit of insight came from a woman with a great desire to change and, like Mary said, I know you were strong then and you are strong now.

Rest assured you certainly have shielded your kids from the brunt of your childhood difficulties - that much is clear from the way you asked for clarity about your kids' question. Now, you are doing the right thing by helping yourself cope with the effects of that.

Please keep talking to us when you feel comfortable. You are doing so much, it sounds like you're feeling very overwhelmed by everything.

Hello Mary,

My previous psychologist did liken BPD to Complex PTSD, but from memory they were separate. That said, they are labels for a collection of similar symptoms so the treatment approach can often be very similar as well.

James

[White_Rose]

Hello James

Thanks for the information. I was surprised to hear the comparison but now I have thought about it some more I can see the similarities.

Hello TA

How are you going? I dropped by to see what was happening in your neck of the woods. I hope all is well.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

My anger is an explosion killing off the innocents. A lightening storm with collateral damage. A volcano with immense casualties. My anger has a single aim but with a lifetime of destruction.

Barely hanging on. Thanks guys - not in tight frame of mind to reply right now, but appreciate the caring.

[White_Rose]

My dear, please take care of yourself. If I may comment without your volcano erupting, you have a great way of writing. Have you tried writing poetry or blank verse? Love your metaphors.

Take your time to reply if you need that. Or perhaps you could write about what is troubling you here. This is always a safe place to vent.

Mary

[james1]

Hello TA,

Just poking my head in to say thank you for replying to us. You sound really distressed at the moment so while I'm sad to hear you're barely hanging on, I am glad you were able to tell us this. It sounds like even that was difficult, but you managed to do it anyway.

We're here for you.

James

[The_Abyss]

Thank you James and Mary for checking in - I was unable to focus on your posts the past couple of days, but just knowing that you had been in was an immense comfort.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the past few days, from utter despair to cautious hopefulness. I have had days where the posts on BB have given me comfort, and others when I couldn't bear to log on, days when I haven't needed to, and days when I couldn't stay away. I even found my mind wondering yesterday afternoon as I was trailing home in the traffic, thinking about the possibility of a post for Croix's "Happy Memory" thread. As I got toward home however I felt exhaustion and trepidation take over, and my mood start to plummet again.

Today was the worse I have had. It started well enough, but sometime relatively minor set me off big time, and unfortunately one of my daughters was the innocent caught in the fire. I have spent the day alternating between uncontrolled sobbing, and uncontrolled anger, with the F word and deep depression featuring prominently in between. I had another long drive tonight, and reached the end of my limits. I found myself recording a message to my kids, telling them how much I loved them and how my suicide was not their fault.  In my despair I had forgotten how much pain my decision would cause to those involved and those left behind. (A friend's son committed suicide last year and I went to his funeral. It was the classic "elephant in the room". And, a couple of years back I held a truck drivers hand as he lay dying after a P plater drove his car into the truck. I met the truckie's family a year later). I had thought about calling BB, but realised I didn't want help, I just wanted out. I was on the verge of not only walking away from my home, my job, and my family, but my life.  Alone and away from home again tonight, I just want to go awol for a few day (a lifetime) and figure out where I stand, where I need to be, what I need.

The crisis is over temporarily and the abyss again has me in its grasp. I am drowning, no longer sure I want to fight it. Exhaustion descends.

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Today is my sister's birthday. Sadly she died at the age of 66 from cancer. I miss her very much.

How are you going? Are you having a better day? I trust you are feeling much more relaxed and happy.

Mary

[james1]

Hey TA,

Sorry your message only just came up for me.

You sound very much in the grip of a lot despair and I just wanted to remind you to keep the Suicide Call Back phone line handy which Mary provided earlier.

I am glad you caught yourself recording that message and remembered how it would affect others. I know it may not mean a lot, and I don't want to burden you, but we care about you too and we'd love to help you find some contentment in your life.

You mentioned there was a happy moment there too. Or at least not such a bad moment while you were driving but too tired to post later.

Sometimes I find it worthwhile to just pull over and either record something or write something or even just take a photo. It is helpful to just capture that moment in whatever way you can because, like you say, it can disappear very quickly. Do you remember it now? Or even what was around you at the time? It is okay if you don't feel like talking about it here.

James

[The_Abyss]

I must first apologise to the moderators who had to do some serious editing to my last post before releasing it (hence James why it was late popping up in your feed). I was in such a deep pit that I didn't think of the rules of the forum or how it would affect others. It is probably better that it wasn't all posted, but I felt better having written it. And James, I did consider calling Suicide Callback, but didn't because I realised I didn't want help, I just wanted out.

Here it is 3 days later and I am saddened and embarrassed about my behaviour, my outbursts and my attempt. I don't know how things escalated so badly this week, how I got to the point of no return. I was ready to walk out on my family, my marriage, my pain, my life. At the time, I could see no other way out, but now, 3 days later, I can see so much to fight for.

As an update - I rang another GP yesterday to talk about getting some help. There was a three week wait. I accepted the appointment. Later in the day I rethought that decision, and realised I wouldn't be able to last another 3 weeks. A few more phone calls later, and I found an appointment with a female GP that I didn't know. With trepidation, I went to the appointment, not expecting anything, especially as she was young and relatively inexperienced. I was in there for an hour. I was unable to disclose the depth of the problem, but I walked out of there with hope (and some hormone control which I suspect is having a huge influence on my moods at the moment). I was also offered antidepressants, which I again refused as I'm still not quite ready to take that step.

I just wanted to remind myself (and others for that matter), that no matter how dark the clouds, how deep the abyss, how bleak the future, there is always a tomorrow worth fighting for.

And James - listening back on the amount of despair I was in on that recording is heart breaking. I haven't yet deleted it as it's a sobering reminder of how bad things can get.

Mary - I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your sister to cancer. I have done much cancer support / fundraising etc in the past, and while I can't share your pain, I understand the depth of your loss. ((hugs)).

James - I finally did post on Croix's thread today - I had jotted down the memory so I wouldn't forget!

I want to reassure everyone that for now I am safe and I am hopeful. I have a very long journey ahead, but plan to take it one step a a time. Thank you.