Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[james1]

Hey The Abyss,

I hope I don't come across as too crazy, but a huuuge congratulations for phoning the office. I'm so happy to hear you did that - it's something that I really struggle with.

I am also super glad you're talking to us. Like you, I found the forums became a bit of an anchor for me in my hardest times last year.

It sounds like you have a little bit of reading. I follow some blogs as well but I'm quite selective about the blog posts I read. There are too many which just run through the 9 diagnostic criteria - I find them very unhelpful. Instead, I prefer the very specific stories that some people share because they are good reminders that there's a real person behind the BPD label. And I think the same goes for you 🙂

Always here to chat about your experience if you need some support.

James

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Sorry not to reply earlier. We lost power yesterday so no computer. I dislike laptops so don't have one. Power back on mid morning today so here I am.

I wanted to write so much to you the other day but was confined by the word limit. Probably a good thing as I may end up writing War and Peace II, the sequel.

One thing I missed out on saying was about the Suicide Callback Service. The people there are great, trained MH people. They will listen to you. They will help with short term strategies and those for a longer time. They offer counselling on line which I think would be a great help to you. Please give them a call, not just when you are feeling suicidal, but anytime. The number is 1300 659 467, available 24/7 and the web site is https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ This is a really helpful place to visit and you can do this in privacy with no cost. You could also discuss future psychologist options with people who understand how difficult life can get. It's not meant to do away with face to face counselling but is a great addition to your box of tools.

Don't want to be a nag but have you talked to your GP about those menopause symptoms? Go to a GP in your nearby town if you are not comfortable talking to the local GP. I think you will find it is having a bigger impact on your MH than you realise. There, I've done my grandma bit.

Hey James, I used to sit on the floor in my psych's room. A bit difficult when you have a broken kneecap but I managed. The other day my lovely (new) psych pointed out to me I had put myself in the corner of the room. I suspect that's not healthy adult behaviour. I had not noticed.

TA, I have read about Schema therapy. Must dig out the stuff I read. Would you like to talk about this here? There are quite a few folk who have used this and could talk about it. My book is called Schema Therapy by Jeffrey E Young, Janet S Klosko and Marjorie E Weishaar. I also went through the questionnaire with a psychologist my GP sent me to, via a GPMHP, while I was waiting to see my new psychiatrist.

I am so pleased you have been helped by writing in here and exploring the site. It does make you feel less of an oddity when you know other feel the way as you. And yes, phoning the clinic was a healthy adult action. Alternative actions to follow while wait for your psychologist to return could include talking to the suicide callback service. It's a bit more personal than BB but not as daunting as face to face.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Mary - glad you got your power back on - storms?

Yes, same book - not sure if it was the one the psychologist recommended but seemed comprehensive enough while being easy enough to read (and was available on the library shelf!). Psych was going to give me the questionnaire before I left the other day but he forgot and I chose not to remind him.

Thank you too for the suicide call back details - I found myself in a bad way the other night - it was after midnight and I still had around 2 hours to drive before I got where I was headed. I was driving tired, taking risks I wouldn't usually take because of the mental hole I was in. I thought about calling someone, but realised I didn't have access to anyone at that time of night. It was the next day I found the BB details - I now have that phone number and now also the suicide callback number (thank you) programmed into my phone, so thank you. I was not in a fit state to be looking for numbers at that stage (ok, I also wasn't in a fit state to drive), so now just having them preprogramed into my phone is already a reassurance. Would I use them? Still not sure the answer to that one.

Yeah, I hadn't realised I was in the corner either until the other day when he asked me to move (as part of an exercise). I felt more secure in that corner - facing the door for escape, back to the wall, ready to flee at an instant! No, not sure my knees would allow me on the floor either - struggling just with the low seats in the room!

And James - thank you. It took a lot to make the call - I had thought about making it several times over the last few weeks but could never do it, so it was only the strength and encouragement I received here that allowed me to do so. A bummer that it didn't work out, but hey, just making the step was empowering.

Yes, Mary, have been contemplating my options for the perimenopause symptoms. I know the two main options are a long term hormone (implanon / mirena - both which only a couple of doctors in town are trained in) or antidepressants. Not keen on the latter. Hormone tablets aren't really an option as I have already had multiple DVTs / PEs, so aren't considered safe for me. Its a case of accessing the options as much as facing the fact that I need them! Chicken hey! I am in Sydney a fair bit... not sure if there is a walk-in clinic I can access while there.....will have to investigate further.

Thanks again

[james1]

Hey Mary,

That's an interesting little story about the sitting down on the floor. I definitely agree, it's probably not "healthy adult mode" behaviour to hide or feel like you need to be in the naughty corner.

Perhaps I can clarify why it was actually a half step forward for me. I didn't want to be trapped by my psychologist's expectations, so by sitting where I wanted to sit, and not where she wanted me to sit, I was trying to make sure I kept my own needs in mind, as a healthy adult would.

Naturally, the next half step forward would be to be able to sit comfortably on the sofa because I want to.

But it's definitely an interesting example of how we need to be mindful of why we are doing a particular action - self-punishment or a desire to break a habit?

Great pick up! 🙂

James

[White_Rose]

Hello James

Not sure it was self punishment or breaking a habit. I believe I just wanted to hide so I sat behind the chair. This was about 16 years ago and I've found more constructive ways to manage but looking back I think it was hilarious. Never found out what the psych thought. At least he didn't try and make me sit in the chair. I think wanting to hide was part of not wanting to disclose my life. "Just give me a pill and I'll be alright". Actually not even that because our meeting for several months hovered around taking or not taking ADs. Me saying no and him saying you need it.

Like many people I found it hard to tell anyone about what was happening. Lots of shame about being depressed. After a while I started to write stuff and sometime I would give him a copy. I don't think he was a very good psych. Used to fall asleep in our consultations, was always late, even for his first appointment in the morning, which was me. Caused a lot of problems at work. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing. Should have given him the flick much earlier than I did.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Yes storms and lots of rain were the cause of the power loss. I live in Brisbane and we had the storms etc coming down from north Qld. Schools were closed Thursday and Friday which meant I missed out on my psych appointment. She had to stay home with her children. Well I wasn't really looking forward to going out in the torrential rain.

So pleased you have been considering your options. I'm told I can be a bit of a nag at times, or maybe it's only my children I nag. Either way please let me know when I nag too much.

Don't think of the suicide callback service as only an emergency number. Of course it is but there is so much more to be gained by talking to them. Have a good look round their web site when you can. I think it will appeal to you about online therapy.

It is amazing when we realise how we have positioned ourselves. If someone had said this is what they did I would probably think they were nuts. However, as I have experienced this I can say it was a protective action.

My daughter had a mirena implanted but it was not a happy choice. She put up with it for a year or two but finally had a hysterectomy this week. She tells me she already feels much better.

I think Geoff mentioned that depression is a mental illness. It needs to be treated like any other illness. I know I was quite adamant I did not need medication. In all seriousness, I wonder why taking an antidepressant seems more shameful or weak than taking an antibiotic. But that's the way so many of us see it.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Mary - I hope you didn't cop much damage from the storms sweeping through? I have a daughter who was in the cyclone zone and it was a tense week. I found not being able to do anything for her frustrating, and hearing here growing panic and then the growing exhaustion was so hard to bear. She has pulled through well however, and the physicality of "putting things back together" has done her wonders. Having power and water back will be a bonus! She had wonderful support up there, but I still felt inadequate.

Thank you for pushing me to look at the suicide callback website - I spent quite some time on it last night and found it very helpful.

I have spent much of the last 24 hours reading the Schema therapy book and can relate to much of it's content. It has given me greater understanding of what the psychologist was trying to achieve and why. I wasn't ready to receive the information before, but it has allowed me to think more objectively about things. With understanding and improved insight comes tolerance and a greater peace.

I relate far too well to the borderline personality disorder stuff. It does concerns me - I am only just starting to get use to the "depression" label - the possibility of BPD is a little too much at this stage. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the "why". I think it is multifaceted. I grew up in an alcohol household with a great deal of abuse. My mother had "mental issues" - I suspect now she is either bipolar or BPD at the very least, but at the time, it was just a turbulent roller-coaster to survive. She still manages to press my buttons. As a result, I have no tolerance for behaviours like hers, and so to be potentially "like" her is devastating. In addition, through my work I have always seen people at their worst, and so alcoholism and mental illness create a great deal of negativity in me. To reinforce it further, my husband has also had to deal with many of the same behaviours through work and frequently comes home and debriefs to me. I am therefore terrified of being in that same category and is probably part of why I don't feel comfortable enough to disclose my inner struggle. Having read the schema stuff, I also obviously have many hang-ups that make the reality that much harder to admit and move forward with.

Thank you again all for being there and sharing so freely - I have much to learn from you all.

[The_Abyss]

It's amazing how it will be the little things that set you off.

After 4 days solid on the BB site, I was finally starting to feel a little more confident, a little less alone, a little more in control, a little less "at risk". I had my day planned out as I had neglected assignment work the past few days but had made a good start this morning before my husband returned from night shift. A text later and I had agreed to go the the movies.... I pushed for the earlier session so I could still get back to assignments undisturbed in the afternoon. I didn't really have the time or the money, but felt I needed to make the effort to be with this person. 15 minutes before leaving, I got a phone call inviting me to an impromptu and exclusive training session elsewhere, and there was a certain expectation that I would attend, despite the lack of warning. It was to be on the same time as the movie. I could have reorganised the movie and gone anyway, but I was thinking of all the work I still had to do before work tomorrow, thinking of the disappointment of the instructor, thinking of the disappointment of my movie buddy. Like a deer in the headlights I was stuck. It wouldn't matter which decision I made, the end result was I would disappoint someone, and this created instant guilt and turmoil, feeding straight back into my unrelenting standards issues. I went to the movies, the whole time doubting my decision, no longer present in the moment, but already in regret. What will the instructor think about me turning him down? Would I be asked back? Have I destroyed my chances of being invited to the next level? Does he doubt my commitment? Fear and rejection issues overflowed. And now, here it is half way through the afternoon and I'm again on the BB site, struggling, in turmoil, my assignment work forgotten beside me. Should I call and apologise? Let it go? I will continue to beat myself up over it. I don't have time for training in the next few days and so had planned on taking the week off in order that I could fit in some sleep somewhere in my ridiculous schedule. Now in guilt I will most likely try and fit training into an overstretched timetable, purely from guilt, sacrificing sleep to again try and "be all things for all people". It has set me back off to spiralling back out of control. Such a simple thing, with such devastating repercussions.

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

I hope your daughter is OK and that the worst of the cyclone has passed. I can imagine how worried you must have been and of course it's now clearing up time. I think this is much harder in many ways than storms and floods, terrifying though they can be. So many precious things lost and the sheer volume of work needed to make home habitable again.

Is it too early to suggest a change of name on BB? I think the name(s) we give ourselves have an impact on us and it would be lovely to think of you in a different place. I started here calling myself White Rose but got into horrible place and changed my name to Life Is Not Good. Not as nice as White Rose. Anyway, after a while I changed back. These days you cannot change your forum name so easily. If you want to think of a more positive name I can tell you who to contact to change.

I am pleased you got something from the suicide web site. I think it's very helpful, particularly to people in that position. Another web site to have a look at is MindSpot. https://mindspot.org.au/ They have an online assessment process which may help put your fears to rest. The assessment is about depression and anxiety, but after you have completed it you get a phone call from a staff member to discuss your results. Depending on your problem they may offer you some online treatment courses.

I was told a few days ago that BPD is now often called Complex PTSD. Don't know if that is correct. It's certainly a better name and reflects more accurately the person's difficulties and the reasons for the name.

Can you ask your GP for an opinion? I know this may be too risky for you to do, but I have found GPs know about these things as well as psychologists or psychiatrists. Self diagnosis is not a good way to go. There are so many nuances in everyone's behaviour and thoughts that seem to fit the diagnostic criteria but is often simply a part of your individual make up.

There was a thread on BB in the Social Zone. It was called 16 Personality Types. Looking at different aspects of ourselves. It won't tell you about BPD or any other psychological illness. What it will tell you are the things about you. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/mbti-personality-types This is the link to the thread or you can go to the website https://www.16personalities.com/ It's really interesting and you can see the strong points in yourself. Let me know how you go.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

"What did nan DO?"

My heart sank. I had avoided this conversation for a long time. What did she do to irrevocably destroy our relationship to one of bare tolerance? Thankfully I sought more info before replying.

"What did she do for work"? Phew, escaped that one for now!

"She worked as a .....blah blah blah and volunteered as a councillor for Lifeline. These days she works in mental health"

"But she's crazy!!!"

And thought I had managed to protect my kids from that all this time!!!