Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

Im trying so hard to beat this but im starting to feel like i cant. The urge to sh is so strong right now. I also have been fighting the strong desire to drink. If i touch a drop i won't be able to stop. I dont want tl go down that road again. Its taking all my strength to not act. Im trying everything. Im so deflated right now. Feeling a bit like a failure.

[startingnew]

Sapphire xoxo ❤❤🌹🌷🌻

[Sapphire_]

So today i found out why i have been sooo tired and weak. I have 2 types of anaemia. So i have to have a few tests done. Also having a test to find out whats causing my swallowing problem which is possibly caused by years of reflux causing ulcers in my esophagus. Apparently i have a weak esophagus so this is possibly the reasons for my swallowing difficulties. This has given me a bit of hope that i can get better physically which is a big problem for my mh.

Yesterday was my first day of DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) I had a panic attack half way through the class because i find it difficult being around other people. I stuck it out after i did some mindfulness to ground me. Its alot of information to go through. But im feeling positive this will help me deal with my emotions and when im distressed.

I feel like a light has been lit and im slowly making my way through.

Thanks Starts.

Love and positive vibes xx

[startingnew]

hi Sapphire, well thats both good and bad news. i am so glad you have a diagnosis and also its treatable as well, im sorry youve had to put up with it for so long too.

how are they going to treat a weak osophagus?

well done for sticking out your first session, i am self helping dbt through a workbook on my own. theres alot there but its doable and looks well worth it.

its good to hear your feeling more positive too

oxoxoxox

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Starts.

Weak esophagus cant be treated. Just gonna take a few months to repair itself. Cant eat solid foods. So am back to eating soft food while it repairs.

DBT looks like its an effective tool. I actually am looking forward to the next session. Not as much being around other people. Something to work on i guess.

I found my worry stone that i forgot i had. Its good for relaxing. Other benifits too if you believe in healing stones. Google "worry stones" also "palm stones" there is alot of info on them and origins. I believe they help. Worry stones are probably better.

Sending positive vibes out to you all xx ❤❤🌼🌼

[startingnew]

at least over time itll repair itself and you might be able to enjoy some more solids and now you know whats happening for you too.

im glad your looking forward to therapy, maybe over time youll get use to being in a group and find you like it, but its ok if you dont like groups. its not everyones cup of tea

i dont have worry stones i have a worry box, where i write down my worries, put them in an enclosed box and then its there so i remember that i dont have to worry about it constantly but also gives me 15 minutes to bring it ot of the box, worry,rant rave, cry journal but then i put it away and leave it there. im quite a visual person so i like that tool.

[Sapphire_]

Heya starts.

Sorry i havent been on lately. Been struggling a lot. Physically and mentally. Just trying to get through the days. No motivation for anything. Im so over these rapid ups and downs. The sh urges are super strong however i havent done it for a month now and am proud of myself for that. The coping strategies are working in that regard. Just wish the depression would rack off.

The worry box sounds good. I might have to give that a go. Although im not sure how i would go with having to write things down. It always seems to set me off on a downward spiral when i write. Not sure why. I am loving my worry stone. Its really helped me.

❤❤

[startingnew]

thats ok Sapphire, its important to take care of yourself too xoxo

im proud of you for not self harming for a month, thats not an easy feat at all. ive been where you are xo

the worry box doesnt have to have details for example here are 3 of what mine are and as they are written here is how they are written on the palm cards then placed in a box. the first 2 are already done but are good examples

1. 'Mondays appointment with my gp at 930am to discuss the mental health care plan'

2. 'tuesday social group and the first meeting'

3. thursdays appointment with my psychologist at 10am'

they are very simple but enough detail not to trigger anything but visible to show that i dont need to worry about them until that specific time. the journal is an added feature where i write down all my thoughts and emotions in regards to each of those cards but not neccessary

im glad your worry stone is helping you, whatever works really xoxo

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Starts.

Again i am so sorry for not replying sooner. My health is deteriorating and im just so low. I dont have the energy for anything. I can barely eat anything. Its distressing. Still waiting on the surgeon to call and get things rolling to find out why i cant swallow.

My energy levels are so low. I can hardly walk without needing to lay down. So over this. Being so unwell is sending me into deep depression and nothing seems to make me feel any better. I just want to sleep forever but even sleep doesnt come.

I cry all the time now. I just want it to be over. Ive had enough.

Physically and mentally drained. Im scared that it won't belong before im back in that dark pit struggling for light.

Thats all for now. I cant manage much. Hope your all doing better.

❤

[startingnew]

Hi Sapphire, no need to apologise. You focus on yourself and when your ready and able then post.
Not being able to eat well would be causing quite a lot of havoc and can understand that would be distressing for you. I hope you hear back from the surgeon soon and they can help you. Is it the weak oesophugus causing that? I know you said you can only eat soft foods. Might not sound all the great but baby foods might be a way to get nutrients as well. Sounds weird but they are made for babies who cant eat solids to get the nutrients they need. Just a thought..


sending comforting and supportive hugs

xoxoxo