I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Birdy77]

Good to hear back from you Ghost,

How about talking on the phone to someone, do you think that would feel ok? You can remain anonymous and only share what you want to share ... dies that feel like something you would be willing to try?

We're here for you.

🌻 birdy

[Bethie]

Ghost

Trust me this is 100% safe. I've shared stuff on here about my husbands PTSD that he was under orders to say the events never happened.

Maybe it's because we all understand that things held inside can create more problems that we can come here and let it all out.

I know untill coming here I'd tell everyone I was ok but truth be told I wasn't.

Please please please don't hold it in.

22nd June my partner had held everything in. Long story short. He now had retrograde amnesia and at first didn't know me or our son. Best anyone can tell me is the brain reaches a certain point where it can No longer cope and shuts down to survive. As stress is relieved slowly memories return.

Please take the mask off. We need you just as much as you need us. Through helping we gain help.

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hi Ghost!

Great to hear from you again. Feeling trapped is the worst feeling ever. As is fighting the internal battle that you’re going through... telling yourself you can’t talk about things but also knowing inside that you want to talk to someone, but then feeling like no one will listen or people will judge you or worse still, you treat yourself badly and talk negatively to yourself because you feel this way and feel like you shouldn’t. I get it. I understand. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies!

The fact that you are here shows me that you recognise you’re going through a tough time and that you are willing to try and do something about it. Of course you will only talk about what you feel comfortable talking about, but rest assure, this is a safe environment for you to do so.

You mentioned that you have had PTSD and depression, do you know what has re-triggered these feelings again? Trying to recognise what the triggers are can help you to understand and address them.

Take care,

FL.

[Ghost_76]

Not sure if this is the right spot for this thread... but here it goes...

I was sexually abused from the age of 8 to 14 by brother and some of his friends. Was always told nobody would believe me. Turns out he was right. When I finally had the courage to tell someone, my parents didn't believe me. I was told that it wasn't so bad he only touched me - if only that was true. They took me to professional who told my parents that I'm probably making it worse than it really is. I decided then to just close up. Had a fair few issues throughout high school.

About 12 years ago it all came crashing down. Went into a major depression with several suicide attempts (turns out I'm not very good at it)... Got some help and was heavily medicated. I worked through it and have not spoken to my brother in several years.

Last year my Dad passed away and I had to see my brother again. My mum just wanted us to get along again. I played along just because of the situation...

Now it seems like those old demons are back... just can't get my head in the right place...

There's so many things I'm so angry about. My brother has always been the family favorite - especially with my mum... I just have this feeling that she knew what was happening and didn't do anything to protect me. Now she just wants peace in the family.

I'm tired. I just don't think I can do this again. Not sure wich way to go.

I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't. Then I dealt with it (or so I thought) and now I'm back in that black ocean with my demons dragging me down.

That's the short version of my story... not the worstin the world... just enough to drown me...

[Birdy77]

Dear Ghost,

What a courageous and amazing person you are.

You have gone through horrendous abuse. I can't imagine how awful it must have felt to be told by your mother and by a professional that you were making more of it than you should. I am so so sorry that you had to endure this.

It must have been so hard to face your brother when your dad passed. You must feel so incredibly angry and rightly so, with your mother wanting to brush it under the carpet.

I have huge admiration for you Ghost76 to have come this far.

My heart is aching for you, and I'm not sure what else to say right now.

But i wanted to say we're so here for you, and thank you for your courage.

Hugely warm and caring vibes to you.

🌻 birdy

[Nztruckr]

Hi ghost alot of what your saying has resonated with me as i have been and still visit where you are

Do you only have the psd /depression or do sometimes you feel emense rage and anger for me its mostly rage and anger for a long time i was like you telling myself i got this then wondered why it would get the better of me

For years i would punish myself quietly and my friends/family faced alot of the brunt

Even now i sometimes struggle with life etc especially round key moments like christmas and birthdays i also get sad watching people have a good time with their friends and stuff

I guess what im trying ti say is it never really leaves you but you get better at understanding your triggers and the best ways to control them every now and then a demon will get through and make you miserable these moments happen you may rhink you can escape them but they are always with you i think the secret is to just beware of your moods and the effect your surroundings have on shaping those moods

Sorry for rambling but i hope it kinda helps

[Nztruckr]

Hi ghost again

Mate i fully understand where your coming from and some of the feelings you have

Ummm i was in similar circumstances when i was 8 yrs old my parents ie:my mum and her then boyfriend dropped my at a home for boys was ment to be for a weekend so she said but she never came back in that home i was sexually and physically abused.

The fact is i felt alone, angry, confused ,scared in fact i still feel emense rage and a whole lot of other emotions almost everyday granted i am better dealing with them now than i ever have previously i had a good mentor that spent alot of time showing me that i was valuable and worthy of my life and what happened wasnt ok

I still have lapses from time to time these normally happen at the same time every year ie christmas and birthdays

Sometimes life even becomes to much and i think whats the point to it all and i think the point that works for me is the fact everyday i get to make it through ,each day i hold my head up high is another day that i have won i have been to hell some days i reside there but no one on this earth can ever say they broke me

Ps I'm sorry for what you've endured and the way you were treated and i hope it gets better for you

[Ghost_76]

Hi Nztruckr's

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I'm so sorry that you had to go through something like that...

To answer your question... I often experience a whole heap of anger! Sometimes it feels like it's going to explode inside my head.

Thanks again for sharing... it means a lot to me. I'm sending you warm wishes for every difficult day ahead...

[Doolhof]

Hi Ghost,

It can be really tough when you get to appoint of being so confused you don't know how to think or act any longer.

That is when I try to find ways to "float" for a while. Some may call it surviving, but maybe it is even less stressful than trying to survive. It is a time where I just let life happen and do what I can to get through the next minute, the next ten minutes, the next hour.

It might be sitting down having a cup of coffee staring into thin air, reading the same page of a book 10 times over, breathing in and out, snoozing, going for a walk, having a shower. For me it is existing, allowing that extremely rough patch to happen, then to try and move on. Even a little.

Professionals and medication: Sometimes we need to try a few before we get the right ones.

For me, holding onto negative or disturbing secrets helps them to fester inside of me.

Writing down how you are feeling on the computer, than deleting everything may help. It will not erase the memory but may help to dull the pain and effect.

I'm really sorry you are struggling so much. Hope you find just one small way today to make your life more worth while.

Cheers from Doosl

[Nztruckr]

Hey ghost thank you for your reply

Ummm my post was edited by beyond blue but never the less i wasnt trying to take away from your experience merely just sharing the emotion side of things and to let you know it does get better even though it seems tough at times battling with anger and the like there has been such positive feedback here in other posts for you so i may take a step back and watch from the side abit

Wishing you days of awesomeness bloke