I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Birdy77]

Dear Ghost ❤

It's ok not to think straight, you are safe, you are being cared for, it's natural for your head to be all over the place, you are experiencing huge turmoil and trauma ... you are in so much pain, I think your brain is protecting you sometimes because to think straight might be too much?

Nights filled with nightmares, days filled with panic and sobbing, you must feel so drained and exhausted, no wonder you feel empty.

I'm sorry you will miss your son's birthday ... maybe you can have a second celebration once you're feeling a bit better.

What kind of mother are you? I think you are the kind of mother you are is a mother who is doing her best; a mother who is getting some rest from life so that she can go on being a mother; a mother who is in so much pain and has been in so much pain since she was younger than your son is today. A mother and woman who deserves compassion and gentleness and understanding for her wounded and hurting heart.

Ghost, I am sending you much love, I have tears in my eyes writing this to you. I feel your immense pain, and hope that today can bring you a smidgen more peace than yesterday.

Love from your friend,

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Hello friend,

I am heading to the beach for a walk.

I am going to draw strength and peace from the ocean and i am going to send it all (every bit of it) your way.

❤

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Hi, my Beautiful Friend.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I hope your walk was amazing.

I've had a tough couple of days. It's taking everything I have to keep on fighting. My son is disappointed that I'm not there on his birthday and my daughter is asking me everything I talk to her when I'll be coming home. I don't know what to say... I have had bad days in the past, but nothing like this... It's like everything important in my life is fading and I'm struggling to keep my head above water...

I don't know what to do. Can anyone please just help me? I feel like I don't belong anywhere, that there's no place for me. It feels like I'm watching my life play out in front of me and I'm not part of it - I'm just watching.

I'm trying... I really am, but I just feel so hopeless. It feels like it's never going to end and I'm scared, so very, very scared.

Thank you for being such an amazing, friend, Birdy. I hope you are well and that you enjoyed your walk.

Your friend, Ghost xxx

[Birdy77]

Dearest Ghost,

I wish I could just put my arms around you, let you cry on my shoulder, tell you everything is going to be ok ..

You said you feel like everything is fading ... it's ok, because you can let it fade for now. You can let everything fade,for now ...

Now is the time to rest, and bring every piece if energy you have back to yourself.

I know your son is disappointed and your daughter is confused ... it will be ok ... I am hoping your partner is helping explain things, and if not, it's alright, there will be time later to try to clarify. They will eventually understand.

I know you're hurting so bad, and feel like you don't belong and everything's playing out in front of you ... but maybe that's ok as well?

Maybe just let yourself go completely while you're in hospital ... you can let others take the reigns for a little bit. You need to rest.

Sending big bags of love to you tonight ... there is a pretty sunset from my deck and I am drawing in all the good energy and channelling all the way to you ...

With much love from me to you,

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Sending the sunset to you this evening 🌅🍺🍷

Thinking of you.

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Thank you, my friend.

I hope that all is well with you.

[blondguy]

Hello Ghost 76

I havent been on your thread until now. I am sorry that you have been going through such difficult times. I am not an expert yet I can empathize with a part of how you feel as I used to have chronic anxiety followed by depression for the last 36 years.

Im sorry that your son was disappointed that you werent there for his birthday, and your daughter asking you when you are coming home....I would also find this an awful place to be in

I just wanted to say you have my support as well as the gentle people above 🙂

Im Paul and its nice to meet you

my kind thoughts

[Croix]

Dear Ghost~

One of the things that has helped me in hospital has been that it can be a way of separating from everyday life, after all in my case it was everyday life and my reaction to it that put me there. I see from what you write you are worrying about your family's reactions.

This is very natural and shows your loving nature, and you will probably think me heartless for saying this but their disappointments and wanting you home are pressure.

I remember looking out a window high up on maybe the 5th floor down at the tops of shrubs and trees, seeing the birds fly around them and the foreshortened shapes of people, small at the distance going about their lives in silence, in and out of shops, walking along the street.

I felt at a distance from it all and that was so good.

Birdy may well be right, let others take the reigns and steer life for now, take a back seat and seek peace. You will return to give and receive love, just as I have.

Croix

[Birdy77]

To my dear friend,

I want to share this blessing/poem with you.

It's one that has brought me peace and solace during a time of extreme distress in my life.

I wrote it up and blu-tacked it to my wall so I could read it multiple times a day.

Sending this to you with much love.

This is the time to be slow,
Lie low to the wall
Until the bitter weather passes.

Try, as best you can, not to let
The wire brush of doubt
Scrape from your heart
All sense of yourself
And your hesitant light.

If you remain generous,
Time will come good;
And you will find your feet
Again on fresh pastures of promise,
Where the air will be kind
And blushed with beginning.

John O'Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings

❤❤❤

🌻birdy xo

[Doolhof]

Dear Ghost,

In times past when I have been in situations like you, I have had to learn to let go and to allow other people to look after me. Being in hospital will allow you the time to heal even though you may not realise that is what is happening.

Allow other people to feed you, to care for you, to help you with what ever they can.

I'm really sorry you are in hospital for your son's birthday. Maybe it is best that you are there and not nowhere anymore. Your children may not be able to understand that now, hopefully one day they will.

As a child my Mum used to just disappear for weeks and we had no idea where she was or if she would even come home. It sounds like you are able to see your children and have them visit you in hospital.

Sometimes all you can do is eat, drink, breath, exist and do the same tomorrow.

Sending you huge hugs of encouragement to not fight for a while but to float instead.

Cheers from Dools