I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ · ‎17-11-2019

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

_Nik_ · ‎03-02-2020

hey,

So I have a bit of news. Remember how I mentioned that cornflakes will be leaving drama at the end of the year. Well, I was talking to my aunt about it, and she suggested that after that happens it would be a good idea to come and live in Katherine with her (she's moving this month, because she got a job). I guess, it's a good thing to look forward to in the middle of my sadness.

Drama starts back on the 15th of Feb. 13 more days, and counting.

It's extremely cold here. What happened to 40 degrees? Melbourne weather is the absolute worst.

I've yet to find something to do that makes me feel good. I just seem to "mope" all the time nowadays.

- Nik

smallwolf · ‎03-02-2020

Hi Nik -

what sort of weather do you prefer? hot or cold?

what sort of things would you previously like? games? music? movies?

there was a time when I was like you. there is a web page that list about 300 things to try. Some I would not touch, but some I did and were OK. For example just sitting in the botanical gardens watching life go by.

Also try out the word search game in virtual hope box. 🙂

Tim

Aaronsis · ‎04-02-2020

Hey Nik

That is really great news that drama is starting back soon, I know how much you love it so I am sure this year will be another great year there.

The move to Katherine would be very exciting, how would you feel about leaving your friends and your family and starting a new school? I think it is something that you need to really write a list of all the pro's and all the con's as a big move can be tricky. Katherine is a beautiful place and there is lots to see and to do and the new experience would be so wonderful, I just want to remind you though without being negative that while a change is great, the inside of you will still be there and the daily challenges you deal with will still be there. I don't want to say you are "running away from your problems"..that is not what I mean, but I just want you to make a good choice for your MH and ensure you will have good support if you go.

Chat soon and hope today is a great one for you.

Sarah xxx

_Nik_ · ‎04-02-2020

Hey,

Firstly, I think you misunderstood me. I meant staying with my Aunt for only about a week. Then Ill go back. I doubt my family would ever let me go...

As for the the things i used to like... well, i used to like eating, but I do find enjoyment in that anymore. I like music, but the music i listen to know, is depressing and sad, and i use it to help me "mope". I can't stick around to watch a whole movie anymore, i get bored after the first ten minutes. Trust me, I've tried. I like baking, but i don't like eating what I bake, and im not allowed to bake until the other food is finished.

I don't prefer either hot or cold. I like mediocre weather, with neither hot nor cold. Just right weather, thats what I like.

I'll try that word search game you suggested...

I don't understand why there's not much I like to do anymore. I used to love to do all sorts of things. I must be a drag to be around, honestly. I barely talk in conversations.

- Nik (missing Sarah's hugs)

Aaronsis · ‎04-02-2020

Hey Nik

I am going to start with huge hugs for you and a really big squeeze too...hope you are ok today.

I am sorry for misunderstanding..I seem to do that alot so I apologize, it must be very frustrating for you..sorry!!

A trip to Katherine would be beautiful and there is lots to see and do so that might be some really nice time to have a break from the family and to have some time for yourself.

I understand that you are finding it really hard to find joy in things and that the things you used to like are no longer feeling good. The word game does sound like a great idea and there are some other things that you might find in virtual hope box too, I would really like to know if anything else in there grabs you.

I am hoping once school gets back into the swing of things and you get some homework and assignments and when drama is back that you will have some things to keep you busy.

Hugest of hugs to you my friend

Sarah xxxx

smallwolf · ‎04-02-2020

Hi Nik,

You said the music that you listen to is depressing. Can you give me an example of what you listen to.

So my choice of music is metal. And some of the songs that might be viewed as depressing or angry can be for me helpful - knowing I am not alone with my thoughts. There was a time when out of all the music I owned there was a single song I could listen to.

I would also walk - sometime when I did not want to. And after a while, I would feel a bit better. I would go to the botanical gardens and watch the wildlife.

If everything gets you down, or nothing to get excited about, I wonder if you could find any positives in your day? Perhaps if you told me about your day we could find some things that were worth remembering? I did a gratitude journal for my psychologist as well! If you are up for it....?

Tim

_Nik_ · ‎05-02-2020

Hey,

Look I've tried to do all these journal things, but there's really nothing to write. I don't see why I can't try again.

Firstly, I don't get frustrated when you make mistakes, I just correct you.

secondly, I listen to slow sad music. I'm not really good with describing songs, as I really don't know. But I listen to certain depressing rap songs that repeat topics about hating themselves and all that stuff.

Thirdly, do you seriously want to know what happened yesterday? Cause I had a panic attack in the middle of lunch because I thought I was fat compared to everyone else, and the funny thing was, no-one noticed... That's the society I live in. And I was surrounded by people but none cared.

Lastly, I am tired of feeling not much joy in my life anymore.

- Nik

smallwolf · ‎05-02-2020

Hi Nik,

It is journal of a sort. All you have to do is write down

something to look forward to in the day
something you accomplished in the day
a gratitude for the day

there is also a thread on the forums here called "three things to be thankful for today". When I had to do this homework initially I had to use google to find a gratitude. My psychologist helped me with the accomplishments. Whether you consider this exercise is up to you... I cannot make you do something.

In the end, small things like getting out of bed, having a shower, brushing my teeth, having breakfast while small would be accomplishments.

Tim

_Nik_ · ‎06-02-2020

Hey,

those three points are really hard to write down, as I never look forward to anything in my day, I just hope that i can make it through another day of school. I guess that i could be grateful for the fact that i did survive school.

As for the accomplishments. I finished another day of school?

Yep, basically my life is nothing but going to school and sleeping. But then again, i rarely get to sleep anymore.

I know you are trying to help, so i'm sorry i'm being like this. I just don't really know how to do what you are saying.

But, I need some help. This guy, whom is one year older than me, wants to hang out with my on one weekend. I don't really know what I should do. On one hand, I don't want to say no because i'm scared of his reaction, on the other hand, I don't want to ask my parents in case they say no, and then i have to tell him no. And then again, i don't know if he really just wants to hang out with me or he's just bored. Then again, no one likes hanging out with me, so why'd he want to? Plus i'm so anti social in person, so if he hangs out with me, he's never going to want to be my friend again. I'm really not used to hanging out with people who are not my family. I usually do it about once a year, maybe less.

smallwolf · ‎06-02-2020

Hi Nik,

Yes. It seems that you can think of surviving another school would be an achievement or accomplishment.

Lets try something or gratitude - do you like rain, sunshine, flowers, phone, access to the internet, being able to chat here, pets, fresh air, bed to sleep in, etc.

About the boy... would you like to spend some time with him? What if you asked your parents and they said "Yes"?

Tell us more about him? (somewhat rhetorical and more for your reflection)

It is easy for us to be able to see all our own faults. And while I have seen some mean teen films, do you think that a boy would open himself up to possibility of rejection in wanting to spend time with you? Perhaps have a chat with him one day at school? Is it possible that he sees you in a way different to the way you see yourself?

Tim