I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

It is great to chat to you again and I am getting that you are really ready to come home, by the time you read this you will be home so WELCOME HOME xx

It is alot to be away and when you haven't spoken to your friends and haven't had contact with them as you are used to, it is really hard. I am so happy to hear that cornflakes is fine and that he has been in touch with you to let you know that too. I bet you are really excited to get back in touch with him and to catch up with him and to catch up with Eclair too.

I bet you are very tired, it is alot travelling around and being on the move and just not sleeping in your own bed. Not long and you will be back to your own room and your own space.

I hope that being home you will feel less miserable as I can hear that you are really over being away and over being away from your friends and just not having time to yourself. I think once you get home and back into your groove that you will feel better.

I understand too that you are really struggling with food but you do need it to sustain you, I know you know this and that you don't need a lecture so sorry for that, I just care and want you to be healthy and happy and sometimes the lack of nutrients actually impacts our moods too.

Chat soon and hope you are safely home xx

Hugs as always

Sarah xxxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I have a big problem.

I weighed myself and i weighed 47.

That's really not right. I ate so much food over in Africa. I've only been restricting for three days.

I don't understand. My friend says she's 54, and she's skinnier and shorter than me. I don't get it!

Please help.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

So great to hear from you and I hope that you are feeling ok about the whole weight thing.

Firstly we cannot compare to other people as everyone as you know is different, some people's bones weigh more, muscle weighs more than fat, there are so many variances so that is why we cannot compare.

I think 47kg is light and without seeing you it is very hard for me to make a call on if that is healthy or not as once again, everyone is different. If you are alarmed though I would urge you to perhaps see if you can get an appointment Nik with the doctor, I know you don't like this idea very much however it may be required if you are not at your healthiest.

Also can I ask why you are restricting food? Is it because you feel like you ate so much while you are away that you have to fast now to "make up for it". I hope not as we really do need to be nourished and food can really play an important part in our mental health too. Sorry for the lecture I just care and want you to be happy and healthy.

Hope things are going well otherwise for you Nik. Thinking of you.

Sarah xxxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Yeah, it's a mixture of wanting to make up for it, and still wanting to be skinny. I just don't understand how I can be this weight and I'm not that skinny, from what I can see. Although I am disorientated and delusional and think I'm still fat.

It's just cornflakes told me I would feel better once I ate, but I didn't. I felt horrible, and I just couldn't wait for school to start before I could start restricting again, it was that bad of a feeling.

I don't understand. What's wrong with me?

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

There is nothing "wrong" with you, you are perhaps suffering from not being able to correctly align how you think you look verses how you feel verses how you actually look. I dont want to use the word body dysmorphia as I am no professional here, however 47kg seems very light for a person that height, which is quite tall. I think that cornflakes was saying once you eat something you will feel better meaning that in time, if you continue to eat you are going to feel better, and he is right, but the first few meals will probably not feel good as you are not used to eating that much, or that often so it will take some time to adjust. I am hoping that you can get some bites in, even if they are small meals often so as you don't feel ill and you can start to see food as your friend as not as something disgusting that is making you "fat".

Try not to think of this as "something is wrong with me" and try to see it as a time in which you need to make some changes so as your body can get the nutrients that it needs. Have your parents said anything to you about your weight? Have people who see you everyday made any comments? Sometimes when we do struggle to see ourselves what is true and what is not it is helpful to use others to assist us in these times.

I hope you are feeling ok and that what I am saying is ok with you as I am not trying to lecture you but help you in seeing that maybe there is a professional required and a chat to help you back on your journey.

Sarah xxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I understand that you don't think you need medical help, and I am here to support you, not tell you what to do, however I think that in the 30's actually puts you in a dangerous weight category. If you go too far Nik you risk damaging your organs and being so unwell that you will have to go to a hospital as you will have trouble functioning. For your height you are already in the "underweight" category and in the 30's would be so very dangerous. I understand that you feel fat and that you don't like what you see when you look in the mirror, however this is what I am suggesting that you are not seeing what is truly in the mirror.

4 1/2 weeks is time enough to feel some effects of eating and yes, if you were going to feel better it would have happened while you were away, but it needs some conversation and some support from people to help you through this time, not just the eating alone.

I am sorry if I am making you feel bad, this is not my intention, I just don't want you to damage your body or have to be in a hospital. I care about you.

Sarah x

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Its fine. I understand. But I don't really want to talk about it anymore.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

OK xx

Hugs to you and I hope that you have something fun planned for the weekend.

Did you have your first day back at school this week?

Huge hugs

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Yes I had three days of school this week. Imagine doing year 11 math Methods in 42 degree weather with no fan or air conditioner....

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Nik

Hope today is a better one for you and that you are doing something that will make you feel good.

The weather here is pretty yukky so a bit of an indoor day today.

When does drama start back?

Hugs
Sarah