I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I am so sorry that you are feeling ready to come home and that it is impacting your trip. It is ok to be ready to come home and to have felt like you need to be back in your space, that is fine. People are asking about Africa as they are at home and you are having this experience so we are all interested but I get it, you just want to come home. Also from your dad's point he is probably trying to provide you with an experience and with some happiness, trying desperately to make you feel good and feel better "get over it", get over how you are feeling, mostly people who are not depressed or had much to do with don't know 1. how hurtful that is to say as you would give anything to "get over it"...and 2. if you did know how to get over it you would.

I hear how much this is hurting you and the thought of a whole new year ahead can be so very much to think about Nik, but let's go back to baby steps and just getting through each day, and perhaps each hour and try to get rid of that pressure for you.

I hear that you just want your space back to be sad and to be "allowed" to be sad and that you would love some assistance with a doctor and perhaps even some medication. I think that a trip to your doctor when you get home would be so very good for you and I think letting them know how you are feeling and that you would like to try some help from medicine would be helpful. The doctor could try and get your parents to understand and have a conversation with them and help them with information about the benefits and the risks and help them become properly informed. It is so hard being a parent and wanting to do the right things for your child, but what is that??? we don't always know and it is scary and terrifying too....your dad is perhaps frustrated as he may think that this is a trip of a life time and will solve all your "problems", if he doesn't know much about depression then it is probably what he is thinking, but knowing it as we do, providing an amazing trip is wonderful but is never going to solve a mental health condition.

I am so sorry Nik and I am sending you the biggest of my hugs, please stay safe and just do baby steps and think of the next moment, not the whole of this year. Perhaps reflect on some of the text you had with E before you left and how happy that made you, go back to that place where you felt genuinely happy.

Hugs to you Nik

Much love

Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

What is wrong with me? Why am I so broken? Why the hell am I such a worthless person?

Im tired of everything. I want to see cornflakes and eclair again, but I know they don't deserve me. They deserve better friends who can give them more than I ever could.

Everyone deserves better than me. I am nothing nor will I ever be.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

Firstly a huge hug from me, I am really sorry you are feeling so sad and also worthless and so broken. I don't know how the worthlessness feels but I do know how the broken feels and I am really heartbroken to hear that you are feeling this too. You do miss your friends and that is fine as young people really do rely on their peers and I also get it too that some much time with your family is probably a little to take when you do feel like you need some time to be you, to perhaps cry and even just have some quiet time away from them. It is alot going away with people, even if they are family.

I really cant say this enough Nik and I know it is hard for you to believe but you are so intelligent and so kind hearted and really are such a wonderful person, so very far from worthless..but I understand that this is hard for you to see. I hope that you are feeling a little better by the time that you read this and perhaps have had some time to just chill and have some time for yourself.

When are you due home? I hope that you can arrange to catch up with some of your friends and do something fun with them when you return home.

Huge hugs as always Nik xxx

Sarah xxxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I'm due home on the 22nd of January. A long way away.

I'm tired of trying to eat food to pretend I'm ok now. I just don't have an appetite. Cornflakes said once I start eating I'll be fine, but I've been eating for a few weeks and the more I eat the worse I feel.

Whats wrong with me?

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I hear what you are saying and I think perhaps the mix of wanting to come home and missing your friends has a huge impact and that it is making you feel sad and homesick perhaps? This will have an effect on how you are feeling and what you can and cannot eat and the want to eat or not, as you are missing your people, who make you feel good and who you need in your life. I know the 22nd seems so far away and that you "should" be having this amazing time, but remember to be kind to you, mental illness does not care you are on holiday and that you "should' be having a great time, it does not know you and it does not care....so you cry if you need and you rest if you need and you take some time to do what you need to do. If you can listen to the sounds and see how that makes you feel, can you hear animals..wonder what they are thinking?? What about new smells, are they nice? Time away is hard and especially when your family do want you to be happy and having the most amazing time, a holiday in life does not mean a holiday from mental illness so please take care of you Nik.

Huge hugs as always ooooo (they are hugs)

Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Maybe you are right. Idk. I just feel like I'm over all this; this holiday and life at some times. But I don't know what to feel nor am I allowed the time to feel it as I am never alone to feel it without being told off for "not being happy"

Its fine. I just have to keep on pretending I'm fine. I've been doing it my whole life anyway.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I am so sorry that you are feeling that you have to pretend and that is such an effort too, to put on a happy face and to "act" like everything is just fine, when in fact it isn't.

Have there been parts of the holiday that you have really enjoyed? What were you doing when you did have these moments? Was the safari good?

I have been having some rough days too, with the fires and the grief that is our Country atm. I have been trying to avoid the news and just trying to listen to some music that makes me feel good, being here, talking to people. Dont feel like you are alone, there are so many of us that are going through rough times too, I am hopeful for tomorrow thou, it is a new day.

Hugs and kisses to you sweet person xx

Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Been off for a while, had no internet cause I was in the desert.

Almost time to go home. I am relieved.

What did I enjoy? Definitely not a 10 and a half hour walk up a mountain in a storm. I hated that sooo much. It wasn't worth it.

I guess, buying gifts for my friends while I'm over here has been pretty fun. I've almost bought more stuff for others than myself.

The safari was pretty boring, but I couldn't say that, cause the rest of my family enjoyed it. I'm very different to them. It doesn't work out well for me at all. Majority rules after all. The first day of the safari was good. But doing the same thing over and over, it gets boring.

I don't want to think about the fires that are back at home. Without much connection to back home (apart from a group chat that I set up) I don't know if my friends are ok and that worries me, since cornflakes hasn't been on WhatsApp since the 4th of January. I'm scared.

Its not as much effort as you think to act. I do acting outside of school, so I've learnt a few skills about controling my emotions and pretending.

-Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

Great to hear from you , I kind of figured that you must have been in the remote areas and that you didn't have access to the internet.

Wow is sounds like you have been super busy, which is great, I am so sorry though that you did feel the pressure to have fun and enjoy yourself when that is really hard to do all the time. I get it though, that you are used to "acting" and putting on a happy face, I am just so sorry you are not allowed to be open and say that you do appreciate the efforts your parents are going to and the activity was a great idea but I am just not feeling great today so it is a bit too much for me. I know that your parents are trying too, to provide what they think is a great experience for you, so you do have to give them some credit there.

It is very scary here but the rain has come and put alot of the fires out, but yes, the devastation is alot and so many homes and animals have been destroyed. It is a worry when you are away and don't know the actual facts about what areas are effected and if your friends are ok and their homes are ok too, it is alot to think about and we really haven't ever seen anything like this before here, so very upsetting too.

Wow, that 10 hour hike sounds full on, the storm must have been a bit of added fun though, did you get soaked? I can't even imagine walking that far normally let alone in a storm, good on you!

You are a very caring person to buy gifts for your friends that is so sweet, I am sure that they will love them. Make sure you get some things for you too, to remind you of the good times you had.

Hope you are ok today Nik and thinking of you as always.

Huge hugs and great to chat to you again.

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Leaving for Australia today.

Can't wait to go back home. Cornflakes is ok now.

Im tired.

Do you know anything I can do to make myself feel less miserable?

I hate food. It's a waste of my time

Thats all for now.

- Nik