I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Nik...WOW..what a night you have had.

I am so very excited for you that you are having some great chats with your 'friend", I cannot wait to hear how it all goes for you and with every bit of me wish you so much love and happiness.

I am hearing what you said about the advice that your mum gave you and how you wished you had of listened, can I say to hold that dear to you as mum's do tend to know stuff, and I know we can be so very annoying and say things that frustrate and annoy but it does come from a place of love and sometimes...we do know stuff....

I am glad to hear that you have tried in the past with Sugar and trying to sort this out, maybe it is time to just let this rest and try to move on and not let her upset you. If she feels that she no longer wants to be friends with you that is really fine, she just does not get to be mean, so when she does, call her on it, other than that I think Sugar has some learning and some things to figure out with her.

I do get your naming train...C..cornflakes...S..sugar....E...eclair...I get that all these people start with this letter...now I feel like a chocolate eclair...sigh!

Hope you have a wonderful day, chat soon

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

You'll laugh at me. Every few hours I would refresh this page to see if you would reply, and be sad when nothing came up, when all along, the post was on the next page. *face palm*

Lol...

"What a night you had"

I woke up feeling great this morning and played some love music and trust me, that rarely happens. I feel light and happy and maybe this is what I needed.

But... Idk if I've got the courage to tell her though. Its a scary thought.

Chocolate eclairs are good. I used to love them when I was a kid, but they are too sweet for me now (just like eclair *cringe*)

It's hard to agree with my parents. I wish I could... But I don't want to. I think it was a pyscologist who told me that it's natural to not want to follow your parents, because at this age you start to develop decision making but something to do with our brain and we always make bad decisions... Idk.

tomorrow I go to Africa. I will still post if I need to talk to something because we have WiFi and I am stoked.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Oh Nik, it is so wonderful that you feel light and happy and dare I say it "at peace"..I know I am banging on about your book but now is a really great time to harness these feelings and get them down on paper, to be able to look at and remind you that you can feel good and that you have felt good and you deserve to feel good, get all this light, cloudy, floaty, happy feelings down and enjoy this time, I am so very happy for you.

My advice would be don't force or rush anything, I know you are really interested in her but if you push, can I suggest from experience she may retreat. I think for now, enjoy the texts, enjoy the chat, perhaps send her some snaps from Africa, enjoy this fluffy time. Then perhaps when you are back and maybe even next year you can see how you are both going and see if there is something to pursue.

That is great that you will have wifi, not only if you need to talk to someone but I would also like to hear that you are happy and that you are enjoying this time with your family and seeing some life changing and amazing things. I hope you let your parents know at the time when you really enjoy something or something has really made you feel good, they would love and appreciate that too.

You don't have to worry about me going anywhere and get worried that I am not going to reply to you, I will be here for you until you need me no longer. That is very sweet though, and yes...cringe at the eclair comment but very very cute non the less, she is a lucky girl to have you in her life.

Hope you have packed every thing you need and that you remember to get up and walk around in the plane...here is my "mum" role coming in....I know that it is human nature for the child to refuse the parent sometimes with advice and suggestions, it is beyond frustrating but I get it...however, sometimes we just know stuff....don't get me wrong, we do stuff up too, but it is having the courage to say sorry to your child for stuffing up. Rant over

Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs and another hug

Sarah xxxx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I just wanted to wish you and your family a safe and wonderful trip and hope you all have the most amazing time. Enjoy every minute and I hope you have some beautiful memories that you can cherish forever.

If I don't chat to you soon I hope you have a wonderful festive season and stay safe.

Hugs x 1000

Your friend

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

No. I'm not the type of person to rush things. I'm actually the opposite. the last person I was interested in started to hate me cause I just wanted to remain as good friends with him for the time being. But that's ok. I saw the bad side of him and learnt that he wasn't that good of a person and that I had previously been blinded by my liking for him. But I was an idiot back then and now I've learnt not to trust anyone. I don't want to loose her all together, so I know I'm going to be extremely careful.

As for my book, I can't "harness my feelings" I think I mentioned that the only thing in my book are the positive words of others. If I write something I'm afraid I'm going to get off track and become negative. But when it someone else's words I can write them and only then because if I write something else it wouldn't be what they said and it would be false. I don't know if you understood my rambling. I hope you did.

Africa is great. It's nice to have some consistency in the weather, unlike Melbourne.

I've bought a couple of things, seen some cool stuff tho we haven't got to the wildlife yet.

"She's a lucky girl to have you in her life"
I really hope so. I'm lucky to have her in my life.

You're right about the fact that mum's know stuff. I may or may not have gotten sunburnt, despite the fact my mum told me to put sunscreen on. I'm not so much of an idiot to not have put it on at all, but I was wearing a shirt, and I should have taken it off to sunscreen my back and shoulders... Oops.

We are at our second hotel of our trip on Zanzibar. I'm so tired rn. Imma take another nap.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

So great to hear from you and that you are enjoying Africa, how amazing and I am sure that the animal part is going to be out of this world.

Ohh noo SUNBURN....see here is a secret..I work for a Sun Screen company so that is super norty...your beautiful young skin, you must take care of it and use things like sunscreen and wear a shirt..yes you know all this but I will have failed if I didn't rant too, apart from sunburn being painful it is so bad for you..ok rant over.

Christmas for me has been filled with so many emotions and it is has been wonderful and sad and full of all sorts of things like some really lovely family time which I hold so very dear. I hope that you are having some nice family time too.

I meant what I said in that E is so very lucky to have you in your life, as is Cornflakes....you are a dear friend to those in your life, I can tell that my what you write.

There are no rules about how you write and even if the book is stuff other people said, it is just supposed to be a lovely book about how good you are. I don't want it to be a burden for you though so just be mindful it is supposed to be a place of love and peace, if it is not doing that we might need to think of something else...

Huge hugs and I hope you are having the most amazing time.

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,
Christmas wasn't that big. We did nothing special on the day, but when we celebrated it before we went to Africa it wasn't that great. It's just a reminder of how much I've changed. I used to be very excited about Christmas and I'd be very social with my family. But this year, I didn't talk. It was a drag... Socialising that is. I didn't really enjoy it.

I don't believe that cornflakes is lucky to be my friend, in fact he is the opposite. It would be much better for him if he did not have to deal with me and my stupid problems. He doesn't deserve the burden of me.

The book is fine. It's just a rule I made for myself that when I write it it's the nice things other say as that is more believable.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

So great to hear from you and I hope that you are having an awesome time.

Sorry Christmas day was not that special but as you said, you did celebrate earlier. I know what you mean by having the realization that you have changed and that Christmas is somewhat different, it is weird and I remember too feeling very different from one year to the next and having toys and laughing and loving Christmas to kind of thinking how dumb and boring and that my family were a drag and that I was actually seeing them as people and not as parents, that was a really big moment for me, to think that my parents are people too...fancy that!!!! But kind of sad too that the spark of Christmas and santa had kind of well....lost its spark.

I am so happy to hear that you are sticking with the book, even if right now you are not providing input from your own realization but from what others say about you, which is still great as I know it carries more weight with you and you will believe it more if it comes from others.

Do you have a favorite moment that has happened in Africa?

I am looking forward to what 2020 is going to bring.....I still have some "firsts" to come with my brother's passing and still getting through different stages of grief but I think it is going to be ok....

Hugs hugs hugs Nik

Enjoy the remaining part of your African experience...so very jealous!

Sarah xxx

[Aaronsis]

Happy New Year Nik

Every best wish for a wonderful wonderful 2020, I hope that you have a successful and fun filled year with good health and self love, that is my wish for you.

Happy New Year

hugs and love

Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

i am sick of people asking me if I'm enjoying Africa. To be honest, I want to go home, but I can't admit that to my family and all the people I've chosen to post pictures of Africa too. They all think I'm loving it here, but here I am expected to be happy and fine. I was sad once (as what happens when one is depressed) and my dad got angry at me and told me to snap out of it because I was ruining it for everyone else. I miss home where I can be as sad as I want because when my parents tell me off for being sad I can slam a door in Thier face (rude I know, but a depressed person does not like being told that they need to snap out of it and just be happy) without "causing a scene". It's not like my parents want me to get better anyway. If they did they would get me medication, which I am willing to try but it's just them who don't want me to get better. I've tried alot of things, but I am the one who gets blamed for not wanting to be better, but it's really Thier fault. If they wanted me to be better, they would do everything they could.

I don't want another year to start. I don't want anything. Not anymore. Sometimes I feel like giving up.

Everyday I am tired and everyday I just want to roll up into a ball and cry and never do anything, but in order to "snap out of it" I have to pretend I'm always fine. My parents say they care but Thier actions clearly say they hate me.

- Nik