I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I don't really like eating, but I like Greek salads and... Well I'm not really a health freak when I do eat, bit I like Doritos. But I hate eating. That's where all these problems started from.

Why are there so many stereotypes in this world? I hate them, because I always try to follow them.

And then.. When I can't follow stereotypes it makes me feel worthless.

I wish I wasn't a person.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

That really surprised me to read that you want to follow the stereotype, I though that you would be very much the opposite and want to be, well just you! But yes there are so many stereotypes and I am not really sure if we follow them or we infact fit into them hence why they are called stereotypes. It is an interesting thought tho, I will give it some of my time to think about that. What stereotype do you want to fit into mostly?

Yum..I love a Greek salad, infact i love Greek food all together...I get it though that eating and food bring up issues for you so food is not something that you enjoy, for me I love it, it forms the basis of most of my social interactions, I love eating and I love trying new things and I love how smells of food bring back different memories and even some dishes bring me back to good times in my childhood. I love how a plate of food can do that.

My all time favorite thing to eat though is spaghetti bog...I love it!

Now I am going to spend the afternoon thinking about stereotypes...

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Missing your "hugs" at the end. 😞

I've always wanted to be normal. Always. And there are some people who have a very strict idea of what normal is supposed to be like, but at least they now what normal is. So, I decided that they must know what normal is, so it must be correct, and it would be a good idea to follow their ideas. Plus, people only accept you if you are normal, and if you follow the stereotypes of being a girl. Which frustrates me, because I'm not a girl, and I'm sick of being judged of how much of a girl I am. But I don't get accepted naturally, and I've tried so hard to get accepted. The only people who get accepted are the ones who; gossip about guys, and crushes (cliche i know, but it's crazy the amount of people who do it. Almost all girls do it), be rude to people you don't like ( i've always made a rule, to never hate anybody. Cornflakes doesn't understand why, but it's because I've always been hated, and I would hate for anybody to be the way I was, cause it sucks. I would hate it, so I won't do it), Talk about weight and looks, wear makeup (only some girls in my group do it, but it still shocks me, that it's all the girls who have boyfriends, that wear makeup. It seems to be the norm), Don't play sport (most girls hate sport. I don't mind it. Sometimes I run to make myself feel free. I don't know why. I also like dancing. But definitely not in front of people. No-one has ever seen me dance before.)

There's this one girl, let's call her sugar, cause she annoys me. She's great at everything. Everyone loves her, perfect looks, all the guys have liked her, all the girls want to be her friend. But she's horrible to me. Treats me like a child. And you know how I like acting, well she starting to take that away from me, saying that she would be a really good actor if she tried, like better than I would, and of course, that hurts, cause I'm struggling with my self esteem, and I already don't think I'm a good actor. I used to do Cross -country (sugar went to my primary school) and every year I would be faster than her (of course, she would get all the praise from her friends, even if she didn't make it to the next round when I did, No-one would say anything to me) but this year, she won,a and i was heartbroken, because that was the proof that she wasn't perfect. But she is perfect. But I've stopped doing cross country, and athletics, and swimming cause she does them and it makes me feel horrible to see how perfect she is.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hello Nik

Here is a huge hug to start off my note to you.....ooooooooo

That is some great insight in to what you believe to be "normal" you have expressed it really well, however I have some views on "normal"....

I feel like there is no such thing as normal, I really do. Each one of us are so very different, how can there be a normal??? I do believe that there is a "typical" so when you refer to girls talking about boys and make up and saying nasty things about others..that I feel is "typical" teen behavior, is it good..no...but is it "normal" ...I think not as not EVERYONE does it. There is also the "typical" girl stuff, like make up, and skirts, and hair styles and nails and Tik Toks on phones and spray tans...the list goes on...but does EVERY girl do that..is it "normal"..no.

I think you are getting what I am saying here and that it does take a brave person to accept that they don't fit into the "typical" that they do have their own individual style and likes..does that mean they are "abnormal" ...most definitely not. You don't identify as a girl, does it mean you identify as a boy..no ..these are just labels put on society to help us cope with expectations..so people behave "typically"....of course mostly you are born either a boy or a girl so to some degree yes we are, but only by birth, hence why we have transgender people, transvestites, people who cross dress, non - binary people, people who don't fit into the "typical"...does that mean that they are not "normal"???? I hear what you are saying and it is so hard to FIT IN...especially when you don't meet the typical and you don't "run with the girls"....as you grow and grow into who Nik is and start to own that and feel comfortable in your skin you actually won't care, you will just be happy being you. Now this is the next part that how can you be happy being you when you don't like who you are....so many complexities...

I just want to say that you are such a caring person and when you wrote " i've always made a rule, to never hate anybody. Cornflakes doesn't understand why, but it's because I've always been hated, and I would hate for anybody to be the way I was, cause it sucks"...you don't allow yourself to hate anyone as you see it as a wrong..BUT..you allow the most important person to you be hated...YOU...

I am so happy to hear that you like dancing, there is something else to explore in your book....

I am running out of room here ..next post...SUGAR...hmmm!

HUGS oxoxox

Sarah xxxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Should I send cornflakes another screenshot of your paragraph so he understands why I don't hate people?

I'm assuming you can't post twice in a row... So you are waiting for me to post so you can talk about sugar.

- Nik (I love these nicknames. Cornflakes and sugar.)

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

You can most certainly send Cornflakes anything that you like that we talk about, I am so pleased that he knows you are reaching out for some support and are here chatting, I hope he feels proud of you for taking care of you.

OK so SUGAR..(yes these NIKnames are funny)....YOU say that she is perfect, YOU say that she is great at everything and YOU say that everyone loves her...something that I find interesting and that I have learnt here is how many people are externally one thing, like for instance they are happy and the life of the party and everything is just peachy, can I suggest to you that maybe, just maybe she is already acting, maybe she is not happy and that is why she is lashing out at others, like you and treats you differently, because you are not like the "others" who perhaps believe that she is what she is portraying herself to be..now I am just speculating this, as you know I talk to many people here and read many posts and so many teens say how outwardly they are one thing and internally they are so very different and so very sad. Maybe her only happiness is how others "see her", we don't know what is going on in her life and maybe she is really struggling..maybe she isn't either, but can I ask you an honest question...why do you care? I get it that you too want to be accepted as she is and you want people to like you like they like her, but maybe she wants to be like you....that is why she is so different to you...just a thought.

I get it that she is doing all the things that you once did and that you perhaps feel threatened by her and now all the things you are doing she wants to do, it sounds like to me perhaps she is trying to get your attention, maybe she is wanting to be your friend. I don't want to go down the path of "boys hit you because they like you"...but it perhaps is that mentality that she doesn't know how to be your friend so she chooses to be mean to you.....something to think about perhaps.

I am so pleased that you are thinking about all these things and we can chat about them and hopefully I can perhaps get you to see some things from a different view point and that sometimes what we see as a 15 year old are kind of different to what we see as a 44 year old....life experience huh!!!

Hugs hugs hugs and more hugs to you my friend

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

No. I think you are wrong. I've known sugar for a while. And I've been in her home environment. I've been at school with her. And I've tried so many times to be my friend, but she doesn't give a damn about anyone else.

I once told her about my depression and anxiety, and she didn't look upset or anything. She just asked me what's the difference between anxiety and depression. She never once said, I'm sorry that you are going through, she just wanted information to fill that library inside of her. The only bad thing she goes through is loosing one percent, and then she'll talk at the top of her voice about how dumb she was, making everyone else self conscious. I Adressed her about it, saying that maybe that's not the best idea, but she just goes, it was under my normal, not anyone else's so it shouldn't matter to anyone. Claiming that she's above everyone.

I tried to say that the way she treats me hurts me, but she just returns with "do you think it's easy to be your friend?" (She actually said that). No. No I don't think it's easy to be my damn friend. Maybe that's why I don't have any.

She even told me I don't have anxiety. She laughed at my twitch. She believes she's always right, and when I try to stand up to her, she treats me like a child to put me down in my place, because she hates anyone being better than her.

She once told me "But over time, your unhappiness spread to me. You became the reason for so much of my unhappiness."

"This whole term has been really messed up for me, I haven't been myself and I think it's partly influenced by you."

I think I need to say something to her, but I'm going to need your advice, because I hate the way she treats me.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I didn't realize that you were friends with Sugar and have spent time at her house and have in fact been good friends, hearing things like "do you think it's easy to be your friend?" and things about how horrible the term has been because of you, that is really hurtful stuff and I am so sorry that she felt she has to blame someone for how crappy her term has been.

The thing is that I think you have actually answered your own question here and that she does not know how to be a friend to you...that she does not know what Anxiety and Depression are and this sometimes scares people, like you have "something very wrong with you"..which we all know here is not the case. Instead of her finding out she has chosen to run away. The fact she couldn't display empathy as you suggested and offer some support is the way some people react to situations that they are foreign to. I have actually had the same experience with my friend who I have not seen or heard from since my brother's passing as she cannot deal with "suicide" and the notion of it and what is it all about, it is all too much for her, and that is fine, I understand it is confronting and that not every can cope with it.

Sugar is essentially saying that to you.."I don't understand and I don't know about it, I cant control it so I am going to run and I am just going to be mean to you as it is the only way I know how to manage this and manage being your friend" This is hurtful and it is sad that we lose friends but that is life unfortunately and we have to accept it. This is not a reflection on you but on her Nik.

You could say exactly what I have said above, you don't need to yell or get angry at her or be mean, you can just call her on it. "Hi Sugar I really want to talk to you about something and I am sorry if this is going to be weird but it is bothering me the way you treat me, I understand though that who I am is perhaps scary to you, that anxiety and depression and being my friend is hard work, but I am not sorry for that, it is who I am, I am sorry that you don't understand and that you don't have room for me anymore but I am just letting you know I am ok with that". "I really did like it when we were friends and I will find people who support me and who get me, I am sorry this isn't you and I hope you are happy".

It doesn't have to be word for word like that but I think you understand what I am getting at, if she disagrees well she can tell you. I may have it all wrong.

Hugs

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Sugar and I had been very good friends ( i had problems with jealousy, but I was dealing with it well), in fact, I was an influence on her going to the same high school as me. I kinda regret that now, my mum warned me about going to the same high school, but I didn't listen. (also, her names sugar, because her name starts with an s, see my Nickname choosing has a pattern)

I know she'll disagree no matter what I say, she always does. I've tried on many occasions.

Also, do you want to hear some really good, exciting news?

I was texting my friend (the girl I am interested in, Let's call her eclair)

[_Nik_]

and she and i were being flirty and I asked her if she liked what i looked like cause i wanted to boost my self esteem, she said i was really adorable and pretty, then she asked me if I liked what she looked like, i said she was the most cutest thing in the world. And then i was talking to my other friend and i told him i liked her (he's really close to her) and he tells me that he wouldn't be surprised if she liked me back. Then he told me to hurry up and ask her out. EEEK

- Nik