I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I feel like I might actually call him cornflakes by accident when I see him next. That would be funny... And slightly embarrassing...

Right at this moment, I look forward to your messages, since I know I'm not going to get any from cornflakes and my other friends seem to be busy half the time, because they actually have a life...

Currently, I'm sitting at the state championships for swimming, waiting for my sister to finish swimming so I can go home.

Why is that people are so fixated on looking good. I'm struggling on whom to believe; the people at my school congratulate me on my efforts to loose weight but cornflakes often gets upset about it.

Idk.

Idk anything.

Nothing at all.

It's more like I can't be bothered doing anything.

I ask myself "how do you feel" and I don't know. I feel nothing and I hate it. Or I feel sad for no reason. I wonder what it will take to be happy again.

-Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey

I had to laugh, it would be funny if you called him cornflakes..totally awkward but funny non the less.

I am glad that you look forward to my messages, they will keep on coming thick and fast..lol

That is really nice of you to support your sister at her swimming, how is she going?

The old body image thing...yeah I struggle with weight so I am not sure how much light I can shed on this topic, it is all about how we look I know, and I don't know why we care how much we weigh, if we are thin or if we are overweight, I am not sure why we judge, it is just hurtful and not needed but we do look at everyone and we do compare and it is crappy but hey....we do it! I think the thing is if you are "happy" with you that is the main thing and stuff what other people say.

That is really nice that people congratulate you on your efforts and I am thinking that perhaps Cornflakes gets mad as he knows you are going through a rough time right now and might aline the weight loss to an eating disorder or to depression, where others who see you at school dont have the insight that Cornflakes does.

What a powerful question and I too ask myself that all the time " I wonder what I will be like when I am truely happy?" It is a nice thought though as you start to image things like laughing with friends and perhaps being in a happy relationship, for me it is that my kids are happy and healthy. It can have some really nice thoughts with it. It is hard though when you do struggle to feel, or infact feel nothing. That is when times like your book or turning to things that you know have made you happy in the past. The other thing is that we go through so many feelings in one day, in one hour sometimes so it is hard for anyone to feel totally good all the day ..well that is what I think.

Will you go on any safari's or see the animals in the wild when you are in Africa? I am just thinking how seeing them and how that will make you feel and how you could write about that and perhaps even draw...

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I think you misunderstood me again. I mentioned earlier about my eating. Well... It's becoming an eating disorder.. Not quite yet. That's why he gets upset. But the people at my school help me with it. They eat my food and they say I look good.

I am definitely not happy with the way I am. At 49kg, I feel the need to loose more.

Yes, I am going on three safaris in Africa. I hope to see a bunch of wildlife, and maybe take some good photos, it should be fun. I may be able to write or something... Who knows. I'll see when I get there.

-Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I am so sorry I thought that I had it but I didn't, I thought that perhaps you were carrying some extra weight and that you were trying to lose it, but at 49kg that is teeny tiny. I didn't realize the severity of it and that you are struggling with food. We can talk about that if you like, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or assume anything. I think you know that food is needed to sustain life and that you need food to also keep your brain and your emotions healthy too, I am not going to start a lecture on that. I can understand now why Cornflakes does get angry at you as he too is concerned that you might be heading into dangerous territory with your weight. I remember we have had chats about you being vegetarian but we didn't really go into much more with the food side of things.

That would be such a wonderful experience in seeing some of those animals up close and in real life, you are so very lucky to be having this experience, I am very jealous!

I am enjoying my second coffee for the day, I am addicted to Chai Lattes...yum!

Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs

S xxxxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I've always been skinny, and I'd always be complimented on how skinny I was, but when I turned 13 that sorta stopped, so I wondered why, and I found that I had so much extra fat on me, and I hated it. And I did excersize back when I was 13, I don't anymore. I was trying so hard to loose it with excersize, but it never worked. At this point I wasn't eating at school, but that was only because I wasn't really hungry, but I'd eat it when I got home. Then I stopped eating at school and then I'd only eat dinner. We had scales at home but they broke (I think. At least it won't turn on) but the last time I checked I was 49kg. I used to run each night, but I don't have enough energy for that. But now that I'm under 50, I've been getting compliments again. It's great.

Chai latte? That sounds fancy.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey

I think my daughter does the same thing, she doesn't really eat at home and she talks alot about her weight, she is 42kg and does alot of exercise at home and has apps with workouts. She wants to join the gym when she is 16 (3 years away), I am keeping my eye on her as I don't want her to have an image issue with her body, she is very athletic but she can be obsessed with it at times. You mentioned that people at school are helping you with this, then you mentioned that they eat your lunch and tell you you look great, is this the help? Just wondering as that does not sound particularly helpful. It is great to get comments that you look good and I get that, I like it too when people say nice things to me, but I also want you to be healthy and happy. By not eating well you are not really helping your mental health either. I think you know all of this but I just want to remind you..in a friendly way.

Chai Lattes are my all time fave and I have one most days when the coffee man comes into our office. It is my little bit of happiness in a cup for the day.

Can I also mention that perhaps some of those compliments can go into your book? Sorry to bang on about the book but I think the more you do that the more you will do and the more you do then it becomes like a cycle and a good one where you can actually see and read some great things about you.

S xxxxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Yes, I do know because cornflakes told me this " You know what else it does? Messes with your development, your sleep, your nutrition, you brain function, your ability to concentrate, your hormones and your self confidence. All to be a bit skinnier. That's what you want? Fine." (He didn't say "messes with" he said another word which I'll not type.)

I was low 40s in year 7 naturally, but I was never obsessed with excersize. You should ask her what she is trying to achieve. Maybe she's just wanting to be fit. But it's school that does this to people. Girls talk about weight all the damn time. And guys won't let you join with them unless you're good at sport. So it's hard. She's probably just gets compliments about how athletic she is and just wants to show show she can be better. I do that.

Plus... I'm not skinny enough yet, so there's no point in writing the compliments until I reach my goal. I would love to be below 40 again.

-Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey

Yes, Cornflakes is very right, it does "mess" with all that he mentioned and that is really kind of scary. I saw my grandfather turn into the most anger driven man that was almost destructive, due to low sodium. It was very scary, and this was easily fixed through diet and increasing the salt in his diet. I feel like below 40 is starting to get into dangerous territory and I do understand and know that you are a smart person so I don't need to lecture you about this but health V's appearance is pretty important. Also I am not sure about you but I tend to think that a skeleton wrapped in skin is not that attractive...just my thoughts.

Oh boo..everyone is going out for Christmas lunches with their teams...I want to go.....

Sad Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Why aren't you going out?

I don't think 40 is too low to aim for. Trust me, I want to go further but the aim is 40 at the moment.

I don't see any problem with not eating. It doesn't affect me as much as cornflakes says it does. I don't think he knows what he's talking about. He keeps telling me that Ive lost concentration and I have big mood swings or something, but I don't get that.

But yes, being under 40 will be pretty. I know it will. I've seen people like that and they are very pretty.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey

I am not going out as I don't really have a team..lol..I am the Facilities Manager and I am kind of on my own here and not really part of a big group, all good though, some of my friends here and I will do something next week when it is a little quieter.

Ok...I think maybe Cornflakes is telling you what he is seeing, maybe what he is mentioning to you with mood swings is worth considering that he might be right. I am sure he is not saying these things to be hurtful but to be your friend. To let you know that perhaps some of what you are experiencing could be to do with diet. Loss of concentration is also known to happen with diet and also with anxiety too,maybe these are some things to have a chat to your doctor about if you can. I would love to be able to give you some helpful advice but I am no professional.

What sort of things do you like to eat?

Hugs

S