I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[_Nik_]

Hey,

No. I don't think I can cut him off all together but... Well, I was texting him a few seconds ago, and I was talking about some stuff, and he sees to get upset, and I was thinking about what you said, so I asked him if he wanted to hear something positive. He said yes, so I told him about the positive book and giving it another shot and he said "yeah? That's great!" And I said that I'll show it to him and he goes "Fantastic. I look forward to it."

But I don't want to just forget about all the other stuff. But I'll try to balance it out. Try tho. It may not work. But I also know that I don't get hugs if I just talk positive. He doesn't think I need them, but I still do.

It's not fun here in my dad's work. He has three meetings today, so I'm just listening to the radio on my phone cause I don't have any downloaded songs and playing games on my phone. It's really boring, and I need to go to the toilet but I can't leave because I'll get locked out. *sigh* oh Well...

- a bored Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey

No I don't mean to cut him off at all but the balance of positive stuff and "other" stuff sounds like a really great idea. I am so pleased for you that he responded well to you when you told him about your book, I am really happy, that makes you happy too and in the end that is what I am hoping for, a happy Nik.

I hope your dad comes back soon so you can go to the toilet, gee ..that is a bit rough if you get locked out...and pretty awks if you dont make it in time...lol

What movies do you like watching? I am really looking forward to seeing "cats" when it comes out on Boxing Day, I loved it as a stage show and like saw it three times when I was a kid. I am going to go with my dad so that will be really special for me.

Hope that the rest of the day goes quickly for you and that you don't have to be bored for too much longer...you could make baby paper aeroplanes from post it notes...lol

Sarah xxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Ok, I'll try but I don't guarantee my happiness, cause it's unlikely to happen.

Don't worry. My das came back and we went and had afternoon tea together.

I don't really watch movies anymore, I barely like doing what I used to. Do you ever get that feeling when you remember a time ages ago when you used to do something and doing it now brings back memories and then you think about how quick time goes and then you get nervous because time is moving and the you get sad? No? Just me.

Now I'm sad and I don't know why... 😞 oh Well...

- a sad Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hi

YES..I absolutely know what you mean, I have so many of those things that trigger a memory or something that I used to do and I think "oh yeah that was when I was at high school like 10 years ago"....then I sit and think oh...I was at high school like 27 years ago...OMG...then I feel sad that it has been so long. BUT...I then think of all the good things that I have done in such a short space of time too and that even though life seems to go quickly and we can get bogged down in all the things we haven't done, there are some great things done too....

That is so nice that you had afternoon tea with your dad, I am really close to my dad and I really love it when we can spend time together, it sounds like you too have a great relationship with your dad which is so wonderful.

I hear what you say in that you don't really do much anymore of what you used to, but don't forget you are growing to and maybe some of the things you did suit a 10 or 12 year old and no longer suit you at 15. That you are maturing and finding out who you are. Although in saying that I will never be too old for a Disney movie!

Did you get everything you needed to get at your Christmas shop? I still have to finish and it is like next week..arggggg

Hugs

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Yeah, christmas shopping is done. Actually, Christmas is done too. I'm going to Africa on the 20th so I'll be away for Christmas.

Also, I looked back over the book, and I'm starting to hate it. The thing is, they are all lies. They are not true. There is no proof that they are true.

"Finding out who you are".

I've heard that a lot of times and I don't know who I am. I am weird and different. That's all I know for a fact, the rest of me is just a mess.

-Nik

[Aaronsis]

WOW..Africa is soo close and I hope you are really looking forward to it. When you say Christmas is done, did you do an early celebration or are you just kind of missing it this year?

I hear what you are saying and you are starting to hate the book, please keep going, there will be humps in the road and the journey is not always smooth, you feel like they are all lies, you have no proof that they are truths, however you have no proof that they are not. As I mentioned to you the other day, the things people are saying to you are more likely to be truths than lies, can I suggest that to you?? Are people saying you are the funniest person on earth?..no..that would not be a truth, are people saying you are the best drawer that I have ever seen?...no but are they saying that you are a good drawer? So the chances of what they are saying are more likely to be true than lies. I know this is hard for you and it makes you uncomfortable, it will do because you don't see it and you don't believe it. However, if Cornflakes was to say it to you would that have more weight behind it as you trust him and value his friendship? Is it perhaps that the people delivering these messages to you you don't trust and therefore don't trust the message?..Some things to think about?

You are allowed to be different to be "weird" as you say, these are the things that make you Nik, that make you who you are. I don't think the things in the book are to help you to find out who you are, you are very self aware, you know how you feel. I think the book needs to act as a reminder of the things you are good at, the good things people have said to you, to act as some hope, to go to a place that is positive when you are feeling really bad. You are a very smart person and I don't think you need to find out who you are, I think it is more about liking who you are and then loving who you are, you are worth loving and you are worth the effort to see that too.

Ouch..the darn cat just scratched me..I think someone wants some attention!!

Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs

Sarah xxxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Ok... I'll continue. But I don't like this!

Yeah we had early Christmas.

But I'm going to ask cornflakes if he'll verify what you say and what I've written in the book, if he says yes I'll keep it, if he says no I'll rip it out.

Guess who just spilt paint all over themselves....

what am I good at? Nothing as it seems. I think I'm rubbish at everything and I am definitely not special or at all loved. So don't say it.

-Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey

I am happy that you are going to keep at it, and yes I am more than happy for you to get Cornflakes to verify what I have been saying to you. Hopefully I can get you to believe me as you believe him, and that I do care about you and that I am not here just to make stuff up and fill you up with false hope and make up stories. All I have been telling you is what i have learned from you here, that is all I have as I do not know you to talk to in person.

What is the flight path to Africa? What are you planning to do on the plane to pass the time on the flight? I always get really excited for all the latest release movies and being able to eat the little cookies they have..yum!

Oops with the paint..ahh well..I am sure that it will come out..as they say...."dont cry over spilled paint"....lol

Sarah xxxx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

There are a lot of flights, but the first one to initially get round Africa goes for more than 12 hours (there are two stops as well)

I think you'll find the saying is don't cry over spilt milk, not paint.

Also... Do you think I believe cornflakes? I don't. That's why we get into so many arguments, because I can't believe him. I don't think I believe anyone. No-one, as it turns out, has earned my trust.

Because I believe that people have ulterior motives. For example: cornflakes may only be helping me out because it shows to others that he is a good person. But now that he's trying to make me "happy" he's finding that it's not really worth it. What's your reason for responding to me?

-Nik

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Nik

You challenge me in so many ways, that is the first reason I respond...

LOL...I am aware of the saying I just thought you might crack a smile at my extremely funny sense of humor....or not!

Do I think you trust Cornflakes?? I think you do value and respect his opinions and his views, he is your friend so yes, I do think he has a level of your trust, as you mention it is not your full trust but I do believe you value who he is and what he says and thinks.

Why am I here to respond to you...there are so many reasons:

1. I want you to have a person to talk to who doesn't just say what you want to hear, but perhaps challenges your thinking and gives you some feedback on how you are thinking.

2. This is a space where you can say and be who you are and I feel that you would not perhaps say how you are feeling and what you are thinking to a person who you did really know and trust, so I get to talk to you honestly. I want you to have those conversations.

3. I hope that some of my life lessons and my life learnings I can share with you and that you might find them useful in your life.

4. I would want someone to be there for my children if they were to reach out, someone to care, so on behalf of your family, I am genuinely here to care for you.

5. I CARE ABOUT YOU

So to answer your question I will be here until you say I don't want to talk to you anymore, or until you say "hey Sarah, cheers for everything I feel great and I am on my way to living my life now"...or til..whenever really. I enjoy learning about you and I want to help you to love you and to see how awesome you are. You push me to think and I really appreciate that.

Your friend

Sarah