I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Guest_9809]

Hello dear Ava,

How nice to see that Croix has been taking good care of you in my absence. Hi Croix, I do love reading all your stories. You have led such a varied and interesting life to date. More to come I feel sure.

Ava, I loved how you spent time over Christmas with your little grandson and his cars and trucks etc. I am just back from a trip 6 hours north of here to visit some of my grandkids as well. Its been a hectic 5 days, but well worth it. My grandson up North is 6 and is heavily into lego and starwars. We gave him a lego kit for one of the starwars thingys and he spent ages showing me how its all put together. My granddaughter is 4 and is currently mad keen on Disney's "Frozen". So we gave her a "Anna" toddler doll, which she loves. She insisted on having her hair put up like Anna in the movie and sat watching the movie on DVD. My other grandson up there is 12 and he is saving up to buy himself a phone so we gave him money towards that, which he hopes to have enough saved by his 13th birthday in August. He loves animals and has guinnea pigs, rabbits, chickens, a cat, and a dog. He's currently really excited about some chickens which are due to start hatching today. I asked him to send me photos once they hatch.

I am only home for 2 days and then we are heading South 7 hours to visit my family and also my daughter who lives near Wollongong. She has 2 kids too, so we are looking forward to catch up with the second lot so grandkids. I think we are going to the zoo with them on Saturday, weather permitting. She has a boy of 6 and a girl of 4 as well. Both 6 months younger than their 1st cousins up North.

So 2 days of work while I am here and back on the road again. Its all quite exhausting, but worth it.

Anyway thats my happy story for the week. I hope Ava that you are holding up okay currently? Sorry I am not around much these days, but I do think of you often.

Much love to you.

Taurus xx

[Croix]

P.S. I just realized it was Blue who said in this thread about being trained as an editor - my apologies for mixing you up, well at least you get the aforementioned hug unreserved -C

[Wednesday]

Dear Croix,

I’m pretty used to the drawbacks of medications. My latest is that the super lethal meds (SLM) that I have are not working because I have another condition that overrides the SLMs. At least I understand what is happening though a tad frustrated by years of failed meds.

It is incredibly sad sitting and watching someone you love draw their last breathe. Bless your cotton socks for getting teary, no point in hanging on to those tears. I read that the tears we cry when sad, angry or happy have different chemicals in them depending on the emotion. Happy tears are safe indeed happy! But angry and sad tears contain toxins, much better out of your system than in!

Martin Bryant took so many lives and damaged so many others, it just show what a mental health condition can do if not managed.

How crushing to be invalided out of the police. You must have been in an awful mess, are we talking, depression, anxiety, PTSD...? I’m glad you had your lovely first wife to pick you up and put you at least in part back together again. It is a precious story that you could return the favour, I’m sure she loved you even more for not only the care you gave her but for being able to find a way forward from your distress.

Fancy being married to a 28year old;). I sent my daughter 16 year old birthday cards for years then she got married so I realised I must have miscalculated and changed them to 18 year old birthday cards. Something still seems amiss but until she tells me differently she will be my 18 year old daughter.

I’m not sure I still appreciate Paris, I do love the French countryside though. I know, I know, people look at me in shock when I say such a sacrilegious thing

Cured umm what is that? Maybe it is just whatever your normal is? By the way thank you for the kind voluntary work that you do. My normal is regular trips to hospital, a cupboard full of medications and supplements and doctors/specialists by the handful. On a good day I can get out for coffee. On a bad day my bed is the best place to lie with my best friend at my feet. I actively avoid stressful situations. Stress increases cortisol, which increases inflammation and the cycle continues. Another tablet anyone?

No I was never a government censor, though I have written for various governments and been published. Haha, who would believe that now, my brain often refuses to comply with simple requests. So please don’t judge my posts of today as a sign of my ability in earlier days.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Hello lovely Taurus,

So very nice to read about your five grandbabies. I love children’s innocence, their honesty and delight in everything. Given your grandsons interest in animals it Looks like you may have a farmer or vet in the family in about ten or so year’s time, very useful! A zoo trip with the south grandbabies will be perfect even magical. Though, I don’t envy your long car trips, I hope your back issue doesn’t play up, no doubt you have packed the essential medication. Is it long since you have seen your family?

Christmas was a bit tricky, but workable for me for all the reasons you know. P and I spent Christmas in different states. Christmas was not held here but his immediate family all came over for the swapping of family presents. I guess that is fair after all it is half his house.

I have my second psychologist appointment (an $85 gap, she better be good) in couple of days she is talking about making a plan for me to manage well everything! Hospital for a day tomorrow and decisions still to be made. New results have added information and make it all more understandable but unfortunately the two doctors don’t agree with each other, aghh!

I always love to hear from you and hope that when you are not around that you are feeling better and are out and about a bit more. How are you feeling? Are you able to sleep better these nights. Loved Croix comment on the dread of bed, so very accurate!

Lots of love and hugs, xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~
I’m so relieved you are not a censor (not to be confused with censer which my father used). I – probably unrealistically - think the benefits of censorship are far outweighed by the pitfalls.

Your medication sounds a royal mess – at least mine is orderly and built up incrementally over the decades. Going to hospital is horrible. An interesting aside on the chemical composition of tear classes – would not have thought of it. I do know this place tends to bring them out in me – GKW

I never saw much of the countryside in France – and I was too young to have much appreciation for the Tuileries, Louvreand so on – though I did enjoy a boat-ride on the Seine. The family I was living with had a farm in the Camargue, but that is all I saw. I enjoyed the Métro too. I remember Défense de Crache signs everywhere and did not know what they meant at the start - not that they would have concerned me anyway.

Did you live in France for a while?

Yup was ghastly leaving the police and yes enjoyed the whole stress related ‘experience' PTSD, anxiety etc. etc. No I’m not anything like back to normal – but I’m still here.

As for the voluntary work – it beats the alternative – daytime TV. I actually arrested someone in their home once and they were craning their neck to see what was happening on Days of Our lives as they went out the door –realer than real life I guess.

What sort of best friend is at your feet? You don’t have the same sort of bacchanalias as Fergy (Duchess of York) had surely?

What sort of material have you written and had published? Dry interdepartmental memoranda à la Sir Humphey, steamy romances, mathematical treatise –or something quite else?

As for judging your posts…. well…. I’d have to say ‘warm’ – and rather nice.

So how many offspring do you have – do you see them often, are they a mix or hassle or blessing?

I have one, he’s an RN in A&E as I’ve probably said, and is mostly pretty good when he's not pontificating.

Have a hug (unconditional this time)

Croix

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Croix,

I will have to think a little more about censorship.In a previous life I found that anytime something is made out to be black and white it isn't and people will find the loophole. I worked on the principle hoping it would make it harder for people to find the loopholes. I guess that is what we have courts for. It also depends on what sort of censorship we are talking about, who/what are we protecting and from what?

Sorry you lost me what is GKW, Great King Walrus?

I only visited France far to briefly. I fell in love with the beautiful Loire Valley. Given this my impressions are not to be taken seriously. I have no aptitude for languages, which meant I asked for some very silly things! I met a lovely French man who lived with his partner in a tiny village not far from Paris. He complained about the narrowness of the people in his village and sold Asian artefact’s to the French, which amused me coming from Australia.

So what dear Croix would being back to normal be for you? Whatever it is I’m glad you are still here and talking to me! The world would be a much sadder place without you here.

Haha I loved your Days story. You obviously don’t have Netflix though! No don’t do it, better still do the voluntary work we need you out there.

My best friend isn’t a drunk or a festival but a tiny, curly coated, ex RSPCA doggy. I’ve always had big dogs and never a small dog before but he is a bit of a heart breaker. When I make one of my regular trips to the chemist I no longer dare to go without him because I get in trouble from the staff. He is such a flirt with the girls!

If only I had written something exciting but twas not so. I wrote dry and boring books for parliament and other policy etc for government. Nothing exciting or requiring any imagination. Thank you for your sweet comment on my posts.

I have two grownup beasties a daughter (interstate) and son (same state). I love them to bits but, as they should, they have their own lives to live. I brought them up as a sole parent, which makes them strong and resourceful but very vulnerable when I am ill. I can hide the depression pretty well but not so much the physical stuff. They don’t cope well with me at these times. I think they want me to stay as they remember me… their invincible super mum who could do anything.

Hugs xxx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~
I have no real answer on censorship, I agree it is not black and white. I simply find in so very many areas and at all levels of society it is used for ill, I tend to wonder if it is worth it.

It’s similar to my views on capital punishment – while I wholeheartedly agree that some should be removed I cannot trust the state to do it efficiently (10+ yrs on death row), or without ulterior motive or error – so I prefer a blanket ban as here – the lesser of two evils.

The above opinions are not that firmly held, the older I get the more ‘answers’ vanish into mist. Now I really regret a fair number of my - very proper - actions in the police, the punishment is often far greater than fits the crime (and vice versa too of course).

GNK = God Knows Why, (though your version has a certain merit:) - in other words I don’t know why the forum makes me more prone to tears – senility in all probability.

For any Frenchman to admit to any fault whatsoever in his countrymen to a foreigner – you must have made a very favorable impression indeed! I’m told the Loire is very beautiful. Did you have a cottage? Did you visit other countries?

Being normal for me right this minute would be being out with my wife on our walk, rather than stuck inside due to stress-induced stomach problems (& no I’m not going to go into detail!)

No I don’t have Netflix, though I am a serious collector of movies, TV shows and books. The house is FULL. I am not a 1st edition type collector, I’m a second-hand or anything at all that strikes my fancy collector. I buy a fair number of ex-library books from the US (ridiculously cheap and in good condition). I tend to prefer 1950’s -1990’s for TV, any age for movies and books are eclectic but lean towards SciFi.

Nowadays I insist on happy endings. Do you read –if so what do you prefer?

We had to put our last German shepherd down – very sad indeed. At the moment we have something that resembles a small tan zeppelin with a toothpick at each corner (ex-some girl that was not able to keep it).

My comment on your posts was no more than they deserve. I enjoy them and feel welcomed.

Of course they want you as you were, and mortality is so confronting. Please take comfort in the fact that you have been the invincible super mum for them – that is rare.

On that note have a hug

Croix

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Ava,

I read with much joy about the time with your grandson. It is moments like those that make it all worthwhile. I am glad you were able to add such a beautiful memory to your collection.

I can't begin to know how frustrating it must be when the drs don't agree on the meds and especially when they can have such tumultuous effects. I will be thinking of you during your hospital visit and hoping for a good outcome.

Haha, Netflix, a life saver indeed for those who cannot be out and about. I think it would have been a much harder year without Netflix.

My little Storm is loving us and we all love her. Each of us have our own bond with her. Best decision.

I will update my thread at some stage but having a few low weeks. Will wait until I am coping a little better. Nothing serious, just a bit overwhelmed with having the whole family around 24x7 in the holidays along with dealing with the pain. It is harder to be mindful and distracted when you are in demand.

Much love to you Ava xx

Ps. Croix, you are a wonderful story teller. Your posts are a delight to read.

[Croix]

Dear Lost Girl~

What a lovely thing to say - though to be quite honest I'm enjoying myself - well mostly anyway - when posting and I guess that comes out.

I know you don't plan on going there at the moment but would you mind mentioning which is your thread? - if that's OK of course.

This little world seems full of people who, their burdens notwithstanding, are warm and generous and I guess I can't help but respond.

I hope those low weeks just fade away to distant memories

Croix

[Wednesday]

Dearest Croix,
Sorry for the delay. I had a hospital day but now am up again.

I haven’t noticed that you have any sign of senility. Unless you have been joining in on my medication regime in which case sorry about that… My brain has been beaten up by the years of meds and has its very strange memory and speech patterns.

I can’t decide on the censorship or capital punishment question, my emotions get involved and then I have to spend a lot of time having a heart to brain conversation. I may come back to it when my brain is functioning better.

As for a cry here and there, maybe, it is just safer on the forum to show and feel your/our emotions? A good cry is a very useful tool. What does it matter anyway, its real and how you feel at the time, much better than letting yourself feel miserable. I don’t have a connection with anyone called God so I’m not sure how much he/she does know so I’ll stick with my version.

We stayed in a lovely apartment on the side of a house 5 minutes away from the Loire and village square, it was very special. I feel a little sorry for the French. I did learn that it was much better to be Australian than English. They are very concerned about the preservation of their language, which is a great story, so it’s the way they are brought up. Like many other Aussies we have also travelled to some other countries. It is such a good thing to do, opens your eyes to how incredibly lucky we are in Australia.

I’m so sorry that you are not able to get out because of your illness. Anxiety is a dreadful illness and does eat you up from the inside. I hope you are able to find a way to get out on that walk.

My goodness your house sounds very interesting. I like to read though find my level of concentration to be poor. I read all sorts of things, depending on the stage I'm in e.g. historic, health, auto/biographies. I haven’t really read scifi. My preference is a book I can’t put down one that has me sitting in with the players. I’ve recently read a new Aust. Author Hannah Kents two books, which I enjoyed. No sorry they didn’t have happy endings, but where very well researched.

As for my adult babies, you are of course right. I think I did the best I could. I read or heard something the other day that said you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, so very true. Mine are okay, but I feel like I disappoint them.

Hugs and pats for Zepplin dog. xx